Perpetually Immortal

written for creative poetry group using the word crispness, brevity, chronic, grave, perpetual, immortal. The topic had to be about mortality or immortality.

A chilly crispness stings the night air
Icing the darkness with a frosty stare
Forming goosebumps on the exposed skin
Causing bones to freeze from within

A barren grave lay before teary eyes
Tears frozen to cheeks after they're cried
Alone in the desolate harsh land
Longing for warmth, sunshine and sand

Perpetual sadness the only feeling
Death is chronic, there will be no healing
Immortally, this frozen vapor, is stuck
Out of life, and forever out of luck

Brevity of life is gone and faded
Its true form now dismal and shaded
Black vapor like shadow stands alone
Listen carefully, you'll hear its moan

Author's Note

suggestions and advise is welcome. The character in this poem is a ghost.

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

stings, not sting, in the first line
harlsh? I think not

I like this better than any of your other four-line-stanza poems, if only because it actually flows. It's more restrictive, which is weird for you but I don't mind it.

I don't really think I'd change anything. There's nothing wrong with it as it stands. It's a simple poem about a single idea and you convey it well. You could do better with setting the mood, but as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

[just is]

I really enjoyed this write, it looks as if you are talking to the dark side of yourself. This is very well written.

[LonelySoul]

Mortal humans will walk this earth for only a short time,
Only our work and words my be...Perpetually Immortal
even though we may screem for recognition or Love,
our Souls are silent moans in the darkness,
until we see our own love light in anothers eyes...LonelySoul

[Yo Momma Digs My Poetry]

I find this to be very simple and great piece. Not too complicated as some poets shoot for and gets an underlying point across. I like. Thanks for writing. Would like to read more pieces.

[StacyPerry]

Nice write.

[emmajoy]

Lovely use of the given words and a near true meter; you've done so very well.

'Alone in the desolate harIsh land ~ Longing for warmth, sunshine and sand ' .. and that's just how it can be.

[Bette]

good job girly

[RIch Hilliard]

very nice piece

[Coyote Poetry]

No weakness in this poem. You use all the world and create a excellent poem. I like the dark and lonely feel of the poem. A outstanding poem.
Coyote

[Dream Weaver]

Loved the 1st stanza the most..
it comanded my attention almost
immediately ...nice Job....