Perpetually Immortal

written for creative poetry group using the word crispness, brevity, chronic, grave, perpetual, immortal. The topic had to be about mortality or immortality.

A chilly crispness stings the night air
Icing the darkness with a frosty stare
Forming goosebumps on the exposed skin
Causing bones to freeze from within

A barren grave lay before teary eyes
Tears frozen to cheeks after they're cried
Alone in the desolate harsh land
Longing for warmth, sunshine and sand

Perpetual sadness the only feeling
Death is chronic, there will be no healing
Immortally, this frozen vapor, is stuck
Out of life, and forever out of luck

Brevity of life is gone and faded
Its true form now dismal and shaded
Black vapor like shadow stands alone
Listen carefully, you'll hear its moan

Author's Note

suggestions and advise is welcome. The character in this poem is a ghost.

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

stings, not sting, in the first line
harlsh? I think not

I like this better than any of your other four-line-stanza poems, if only because it actually flows. It's more restrictive, which is weird for you but I don't mind it.

I don't really think I'd change anything. There's nothing wrong with it as it stands. It's a simple poem about a single idea and you convey it well. You could do better with setting the mood, but as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

[Ice QueenJen]

A most profound writing about the frozen world of liquid.

[Poetic Beauty]

Thank you. I'm revisiting many older pieces I have written today

[Ice QueenJen]

That's a very good idea, and maybe spark you into writing more!

[Poetic Beauty]

It's something I have put aside for along.

[Ice QueenJen]

I have the same issue, yet I know I still have things to write about something always gets in the way...

[SpokenWord]

This was well done with the words you had to use and you created a discriptive peace about death and the sadness that comes with it.

[Mauricio Montoya]

Great job well done.

[India Brooks]

wow. Especially loved the end! Wow.

[Nothing Personal]

WOW. Our lives are possibly not in our control after we die and to be stuck in coldness forever is such a grizzly feeling. What a great thought. I love your description of the perpetual frozen winters where sun's blissful rays are not thoroughly felt. Its sad and its crisp. Well written !!!

[the_stoic]

reminds me of the few good Gothic writes that i have read ... you have done it without infusing any gore ..

Perpetual sadness the only feeling
Death is chronic, there will be no healing
Immortally, this frozen vapor, is stuck
Out of life, and forever out of luck

i just have one word mam - 'amazing'

[just rose.]

Great use of these words! I love this.

[kewlbluetiger]

Dark, cold and creepy! You always do a great job spinning rich vocabulary together into an artistic web. Final stanza left me with chills! Great work.

[The Water Queen]

Outstanding work again! The way you make it easy to follow and understand your point though you make us work for it is perfect. Great work!!