Immortal Moment

A short love story

The thrashing metal band played as Krystal stood waiting to take her shot.  The bright lights flashed from the stage as she stood staring at the only man who has ever been able to make her heart race by looking at him.  Jayden was imperfect, but he completed her.

Standing over six foot tall with short spiked, dark brown hair and a silver labrate piercing that glimmered in the stage lights he was everything she could want.  The good guy with the bad guy style.  His tattoos showed tonight underneath his short sleeved shirt, and his perfect smile was showing for the whole world to see.

Krystal thought to herself what could be better than this, "I am here listening to my favorite local band play, I am  playing pool with the only man who has every truly mattered.  The one that makes me smile on my darkest of days, and I am surround by friends who love me unconditionally."

The night was warm outside and the the club was packed with fans from the three different bands that were playing. The air outside was nothing compared to the air that engulfed her on the inside. Every time he brushed up against her she felt tingles flow from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. With only one wink from him, she would melt in the spot where she was standing. He was her life, her love, her supporter in bad time, and he was the only one who could make her smile on her darkest of days.

Somethings never fade with time. He can still make her tingle with only a simple wink, and make her melt with his perfect white smile. Laughter flows from her body even if she simply thinks of him. He is the one who completes her in every way, and makes her a better person from the inside out. He is forever her immortal lover with the glowing spirit and she will always be his poetic beauty.

Author's Note

I know this needs polished but let me know what you think

Reviews

[Xardalas]

I like it. I love how you describe her thoughts and portray her feelings. Now mind you...I'm a new writer so I may not know much but I think that you might want to add a little more detail.
For example..."The bright lights flashed from the stage as she stood staring at the only man who has ever been able to make her heart race by looking at him."
This might just be me, but when I read over this I thought that she was on the stage herself as part of the band, maybe a singer or something like that.
A way to fix that would be to put it like this or something along a similair line. ..."The bright lights flashed from the stage as she stood in the crowd staring at the only man who has ever been able to make her heart race by looking at him."
Once again...I'm a relatively new writer and this is only my opinion. I may be wrong or other people may not see it the same way as me. Anyways, keep up the great work!

[G. Marie"floating on an..]

this is very romantic and a nice beginning for a love story to ellaborate on keep writing more very good

[Jeff Miller]

Very good start to a story! This seems like it could be the beginning to a great story or even a movie! Maybe like a Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist thing? Amazing job! Keep it up!

[Subjective Sanity]

I dig it but, I think it could even be expanded on. It's a beautiful story that leaves me wanting DETAILS! : )

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

First loves always leave a big impact on the heart... I think you should expand on this cause you got something really nice started.

[MissWordSmith]

i could lie and say i loved this but im going to tell you the truth.
from what i know of your writing, you tell very simple moments in a very elaborate way in your poems. however when writing stories, you have to describe the atmosphere more than usual. you told the story well. the flow was good. but you talked too much of her thought rather than the scene that was going on.
She's at a club? or a jam house? and she's feeling romantic? her thoughts dont match the scene, thats all im saying. theres load music all around, she can see her amazing friends having a good time all around her. she isn't feeling all ''im so grateful for my life'' at the moment.

dunno if u get what i mean...
I am a fan of your's normally...just trying to give constructive criticism...but then again....thats just one person's opinion.... :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the beginning to this story. I like the female character. She is beautiful and strong. I look forward to the rest of the story.
Coyote

[The Water Queen]

I love it, makes me want to know more

[HorrorMaster]

Amazing story I love it. :)

[The Analog Kid]

Ok, so here's your poetry: "The air outside was nothing compared to the air that engulfed her on the inside." This line is awesome:)

Pat