Desert Thirst

Lost in the middle of the dry desert heat,
with sand burning from the inferno's fire.
Wind blowing; causing my blisters to weep,
but the pain fuels my inner-most fierce desires.

Insatiable is the thirst that’s consumes from within,
mouth like sandpaper, cracking like the  eroded land
My mind is clouded as it begins to rapidly spin,            
then sinks into the fiery- submerging in grains of sand

My hands are cracked, covered with crimson blood
My knees are damage, covered in pink keloid scars.
Yet my yearning is stronger than need for a flood,
unlike the land that is desolate, black and charred

If I reach out to the one that I completely love;
would he rescue me from this burning land?
Or could our wild passion, he now be devoid of
Leaving me lost forever, with a love disband

Reviews

[InkSlinger]

Overall I liked where you were going with this.. but I have to agree with more seasoned influential writers when they say it feels choppy... I liked it overall, but it lacks a simplicity that allows the verses to roll off your tongue. Still a worthy effort!

[Lost, n'MT]

I enjoyed this piece and I appreciate how you crafted it, froom the powerful imagery, well patterned rhyme scheme, while being so disconnected from suffering and pain as you cry out for help. At least that was my interpretation, and I thought it was well expressed and well written. I personally don't agree with the criticism although I can understand it some degree, I just differ in opinion and liked your choice by choosing the rhyme scheme you did. I agree that it can be polished up, but I liked your intention and execution overall.

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

I liked it, It flowed easily! A young lady thirsting for love and her parched life fails to recieve to quench her thrist! Great Poem!

[SpokenWord]

Inside of this character is a woman who thirsty for love but on the outside love hasn't been so kind to her leaving her physically scared, yet her heart is still strong. She is asking all the right questions but maybe she is asking the wrong man.

[RedRose1250]

it was good a little rocky but good...can you read some of mine please?

[Abhinav]

Great imagery in this, and the rhyming's too
what a write!...beautiful!

[Soul Magic✯]

wow this is outstanding ink. your visuals is incredible... and flow so well in this piece. i enjoyed the read... thanks for sharing this one

[Therene]

I promised not to let myself get into this that much because you brought me here for the flow. :D

What I would say first is follow The Perfectionist's advice. If you did and it still didn't work, I'll have to reiterate what he said. The reason why my poems are short because there isn't a need for details. Though it is still necessary to have metaphors and similes, you shouldn't barrage it with too much. Since I cannot tell you to shorten this one, here's what I could tell you.
1. Stick with a rhyme scheme if you want to continue it that way.
2. Read it out loud as if talking to yourself or in a dialogue. If it almost sounds like Shakespeare it is good to go.
3. Don't be too redundant. I know it's there for emphasis but it just overpowers the poem.

Take the first stanza as an example:
"Lost/ in the middle/ of the dry/ desert heat,//
with sand burning/ from (the) inferno's fire.//
Wind blowing;/ causing my blisters to weep,//
but the pain/ fuels my inner-most/ fierce/ desires."//
-True, you managed to instill the scene but the it made it too clunky and detached. If you noticed, I placed "/" and "//" where I paused while reading it. I'm not sure how you intended it to be read, but that was quite distracting.

Well, this is getting long. As for content, I say the desert heat is too much for this person. :)) No, I'm kidding. This is an effective one but a so-so.

Good job, though.

P.S. Tell Bette not to be so nervous. She might burst out laughing again.

[Subjective Sanity]

It's great. I especially love this line: "My mind is clouded as it begins to rapidly spin,"

[The Perfectionist]

This is my favourite kind of poem to review. Not because it's good or because it's bad (it isn't particularly either), but because I know exactly what's wrong with it. Right from the start you let the reader know your poetic intentions; your rhyme and rhythm scheme is blatant and easy to see. That's not a bad thing, but the fact that you falter from it is.

The fact is the lines are too long. Not all of them, but a lot of them feel like you were trying to be super descriptive and forced words in when they didn't want to go. It leads to a very choppy rhythm throughout the entire poem, making it difficult to handle the flow. A good poem should be easy to read rhythmically (at least one not in free verse) in one try. I had to read this line by line.

Listen to Muse, you could do with a bit of word re-ordering. In addition to that, I suggest you just don't try to say too much. The beauty of poetry is that we don't have to explain every little detail; that's what the mood of the poem is for. Don't try too hard.

Realizing I haven't been very specific about what to change, I leave you with at least one direct suggestion. If you don't shorten it, switch the places of 'fierce' and 'inner' in line 4.

Oh, and I think you mean 'scars' on line 10, not 'scares'