26 Things a Perfect Guy Would Do, and other propoganda

A Poem by plebberoni

1:Know how to make you smile when you are down

This one isn’t even something done, just something known. And even then, it’s a pretty hefty task

2:Try to smell your hair, but you always notice

Why? Why would I want to smell your hair? I don’t care how it smells. If you want someone to smell it, smell your own goddamn hair

3: Sticks up for you, but respects your independence

You mean bail you out, but don’t bring it up during conversation? I can do that, just tell it like it is

4:Gives you the remote control during the game

Firstly, this one suggests I care about watching the game. I don’t. Replace “game” with “Community”, and it works. But not happening. Get better taste in shows

5: Comes up behind you and puts his arms around you

Cool. I can do that

6: Play with your hair

Again with the hair? I don’t give a s**t about your hair. Do you have a hair fetish? Play with your own hair

7: His hands always find yours

Apart from this list now resembling an Adam Sandler romantic comedy, this one isn’t that bad either

8: Be cute when he really wants something

You’re not my mother, and I’m not nine. If I want something I’ll get it myself

9:Offer you plenty of massages
If you want a massage, ask. I’ll be happy to oblige, I’m not going to badger you about it
10: Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork

Dancing sucks. Slow dancing is pretty cool, and can be done, but this isn’t a romantic comedy. There’s no camera recording our s****y dancing so middle aged white couples can comment that they should do it

11: Reacts so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts

If you’re hitting and hurting me, I’m out the door. So if you find that cute, well...

12: Drive 5 hours to see you for 1

Anyone who does this is an a*****e. First, we’ll go bankrupt. Gas money isn’t cheap. Second, maybe if you want to spend so much time together, we wouldn’t live 5 hours apart. Weekend trips, not this s**t. Third, global warming. If everyone did this, we’d be drowning, or would have already drowned. Great job flooding North America, so your boyfriend could be perfect. A*****e

13: Stare at you

Stare at a mirror. I don’t got all day here

14: Call for no reason

Do I even need to explain this one? I can’t go on, I’m gonna vomit. Truly, we are at a peak of journalistic insight