Into the Atmosphere

This story is fictious and its a unique imagination by me

I am watching moon with my newly bought telescope. Its so big and amazing. Something i spotted in my telescope. That look like a big aeroplane coming down into the atmosphere of earth. As that come nearer i understand it is alien spaceship. I throw my telescope and move in a bathroom of my home. Oh god i am hearing crying sound of people. These aliens may be killing them . Just then an alien break the door of my bathroom. They are kidnapping us. I am kidnapped now and i am in spaceship now . Me on window seat and i am seeing earth like a football and stars everywhere. I am going with aliens there are many people who going with us. A alien come near me . He is actually a robot programmed by alien. He gives us electric shock. I am in dream now. When i wake up i see they are throwing us into a planet . Oh god the planet is so big. I cant see surface of the planet becoz it is so big and its atmosphere so much deep too. They want to kill us by throwing into this planet . People are crying. Now its my turn to fall into the atmosphere of this planet. I am on gate of spaceship and ready for adventure journey. Beside me there is a few boys and girls. Now we all together thrown into the atmosphere. Whoa i am shouting in excitement. We can breathe this air must be oxygen i guess. A fat boy who is behind us fell into the atmosphere faster than me. Its like a race who will reach ground surface first. Obviously who has more weight can go faster down. My head is towards planet surface. I cant see surface due to big atmosphere. I just noticed beside me there is a beautiful girl. She is falling at same rate with us. Oh its strange I asked her weight. She said 54 kg oh my weight is too same. Thats why we are falling down at same rate. Her hair is too long. Her hair is flying in air due to this i cant see her face clearly. She is almost 1m close to me. Its 5 hrs now. Still we cant see surface. I ask her are u in fear as u will dead. She said yes and started crying. I keep silence and waiting for my brutal death. I have a wrist watch on my hand so i know its 12 hrs now still no surface. I am hungry. I ask her do u have chocolates plz give me . She say yes and she try to pull out chocolate from her tight jeans. She gives me that and we both share it. Its 20 hrs now No chocolate or food there we are hungry. She is sleeping. I cant sleep becoz i have to do potty and toilet. I do these in my pant as there is a girl and i am a shy boy. I can see many people already naked. They throw their cloths in anger. Now i am sleeping as i am falling down down. Its night now we cant see anything. Its better to sleep. In morning i wake up with hunger. She is smiling at me. Oh she already see my wet pant. But i can see her wet pant too as she also a shy girl. It seems we will become old and die into this atmosphere. Wow i can see now many birds flying here. I want to catch them to eat. And yes i got it. I killed him and try to eat raw. I offer this to her . She kick me in air as she now hating me. She likes bird very much . At last she has to eat it to survive. Now we can see surface. Its 56 hours already take to reach here. People started crying loudly when they see surface. They dont want to die. This make me panic and the girl is so silent now. She is ready to die. Oh god saves us these prayer will not work. Before die i want to see her face. Her face is covered with long flying hair. I request her this and she let me to see her face. She is a black girl. I dont hope this. But still i love her as she give us chocolates and have nice journey together. I hug her. And we are silent now. We are listening each other heart beat. In 30 seconds we strike the ground . The journey ended into the atmosphere to ground.

Author's Note

I am weak in grammar

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is one of the most imaginative stories I've ever read on this website in the last few months. The idea of falling thru the air for such a long time is almost unbelievable, but somehow, in your story, we suspend disbelief, so we can see what will happen next. What makes for good writing is using many specific details, such as chocolate & peeing pants, which makes your story very original, & unlike other stories, becuz most people wouldn't even think to mention some of these things.

Here are a few things that felt a little "off" to me . . . most of your story is so fantastical, we must let go of our realistic minds to keep reading & believing . . . so, when you explain things in scientific terms, like the weight & the rate of falling, this doesn't feel like it belongs in such a story. These scientific explanations pull us out of the story, pull us out of the mindset of just believing anything becuz your story is so unusual & interesting. I think most people would understand that heavier people fall faster, so it doesn't require such an explicit explanation.

If you want to be scientific (reading your profile, I see this is your interest), why not bring more sensory elements into this situation? For example, the rush of air, how does it feel? The friction of air passing by would have a warming effect, how does this feel? When you say atmosphere must be oxygen, why not describe how it smells? Since falling for many hours would be a very sensory experience, I think it would serve to lead your readers into the imagination, if you describe how it feels, sounds, smells, etc.

Even tho your English is understandably a little bumpy, your storytelling is good & imaginative, pulling us along to want to read your story, so this allows us to forget about whatever mistakes there might be.

[pksmart]

Thanx dear for your valuable and perfect review