this is where it all started

Entering the forest in curiosity Hanii followed the rumbling that had caught her attention earlier. Stopping in amazement she watches as two men fight in the clearing before her with an element that forms from an odd power and realises they seemed to be using the legendary power of the ancients. Rune if she remembered correctly.

 

          The first man wore yellow robes as bright as the sun with the symbol of lighting pressed proudly onto the fabric on his chest while his opponent's rodes, decorated with the symbol of ice, was a blue like the depths of the ocean. They use their sword to fight and to spell rune to each other but almost miss and dodges, until the man that uses lightning stuns his rival and then goes in front of the man, wanting to end the fight. Suddenly the man that got stunned lunged to his rival and then stand up. The man that get sortie cannot move freely and then the man that attack him freeze his rival's hand and feet. Hanii goes into battle wanting to save the man that lost.

 

Hanii goes to the weak man and asks, "Are you okay?"

The man just groans to respond her

"I'll save you. Okay, now your rival.." hanii look around "where is he?"

"Hey, young girl." Said the man weakly.

"Yes?" Hanii answered while crushing the ice that freeze the man's limbs.

"I don't have much time from now on, but I am a leader. I must lead my clan."

"It's okay, you'll recover after being treated there and take rest." 

"No, it's too late. He used poison. During his sudden attack he injected poison that made it impossible for me to move freely and i difficult to breath." Hanii finished crushing the ice and the man try to sit.

"What! How do I get the antidote?"

"No antidote for this poison," the man begin to angry, "Now, just listen to me!" He try to relax, "Your sign is lion the king of the jungle, that means you can be leader like me. So, I'll give you my power, but you must promise me something first."

 

         It is dangerous to give rune power to an ordinary human. The body of a human who is to be given that power may deny that power and can cause death, which is why the man doubted giving his power to Hanii, but it's important to give a new leader at his clan.

 

"Promise?" ask Hanii.

"You must promise that you will survive with this power. You must be a leader based on truth and justice, if you won’t be a leader you must be on a good side, okay?"

"... I can’t keep a promise though, because I think I can’t fulfill my promise."

"Just follow your heart young girl." The man start to cough and become short of breath.

"Okay, I'll be a leader that always follow my heart. Sorry, maybe I must lie to people and maybe I am not be a clan leader."

"..." The man smiled and grab Hanii's hand.

 

         Hanii fell the power circulate from her hand to her heart and then travel to all parts of her body, but it fell comfortable and like water flowing. She can read minds.

"Goodbye little girl, now just go home and take a rest" and the man released his last breath and his hand dropped.

 

         Hanii said goodbye and set the man who looked as though he had fallen asleep at the tree. After that Hanii returned to orphanage and went to her room. She fell dizzy, so she doesn't eat her dinner.

 

         She sleeps and has a terrible dream. It is a piece, but she know that her memories is about her parents. In her dream she saw her dad bathed by his blood and her mom crying covering Hanii. Hanii wake up and her room is already blow off. She is very angry at who killed her daddy. 

 

         In the morning her nanny is shocked after witnessing Hanii's room. It was very broken and very much a mess. 

 

"What have you done with this room?" Her nanny ask.

"I don’t know and just go away from my room!" Scream Hanii.

 

         There was a very strong wind that make the nanny crash and faint. The other nannies go to Hanii’s room to check out what had happened and were instantly shocked. There was a fainted nanny and a hurricane and blizzard around Hanii. 

 

"Just go away from my room!" Screamed Hanii. She is sad, really sad. That is why she wants to be alone.

 

         The other nannies run as fast as they can to find the head of the orphanage. They found him in his room reading a newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee.

 

"Hanii has gone wild! A nanny has fainted and her room is blown off. And I don’t know how but there is a blizzard and hurricane around her." One of nannies reportto the head of orphanage.

"Are you kidding me?" ask the head of the orphanage. He is very cool and can solve the problem quietly.

"This is true! Just check!"

"Okay, let’s check it out."

 

         They go to Hanii's room. The head of the orphanage still doesn't believe it true. Hanii is still crying and angry and the hurricane and blizzard are still around her.

 

"Hanii, what is your problem? Please.. calm down..." said the head of the orphanage.

Hanii know the voice. She likes him because he is caring towards her.

"..." Hanii tried to calm down.

"Okay, now just explain what happened." He said.

"I don’t know how to explain this." Said Hanii.

"You already make my orphanage broken, make one of my nanny faint, and made noise and many people panic." the head of orphanage said in his mind, but Hanii can read that.

"It's okay, I'll go from here. I cause too much trouble here." said Hanii and then she go out orphanage into forest.

 

         The people at the orphanage remain silent and let her go. They have many questions, but they won’t let that trouble happen again. Hanii go to middle of the forest and tries to control her emotions. She knows that her power makes her memories pop up and that this power is based on emotion. Hanii knows that she just has lightning, but doesn’t know why she can’t control her power to make rune. 

 

"This power..." Hanii begins exhausted, "I... can’t hold anymore.." Hanii is short of breath "That is why... he said that I must survive..." She fainted as a result of her exhaustion.

Author's Note

please to fix it..
because i have trouble with grammar :(
i still fix it...

Reviews

[Timeless-Chan]

Grammar needs some mixing... and also try puting in she, her, he, him when your talking about your characters i think it will make it sound more like a story and you need to add more detail and rearrange the words a bit more.
like the first part "When she reaches the forest, however, she hears rumbling. Curious as to where the sound came from she follows the odd noise. She stops at two men, fighting, with an odd power, known as the power of Rune. Hanii was standing by in amazement, when one of the men gets hurt badly, this is when Hanii stops being dazzled by the so-called-fictional power." could be... "Entering the forrest in curiosity Hanii followed the rumbling that had caught her attention back at the orphanage. Stopping in amazement she watches as two men fought in the clearing before her. Watching they (insert some power that they can do) and realises they seemed to use the legendary power of the ancients. Rune if she remembered correctly. (describ their fighting? man gets hurt. she goes to help him)"
okay so don't exactly write it like that because its just a crappy example i thought up but you get the point of making it seem like a flowing scene. if it helps think of it as a movie and then just write down what you think should happen in the movie.

[Irvette Dauphine]

how about now? the first paragraph is already fixed
help me to fix the rest

[Timeless-Chan]

okay also with the first par it would be cool if you described the powers. Like flashes of light or strong wind or flying rock, explosions, etc. in other words give us a little description of the fight. the action part of it^_^

[Timeless-Chan]

oh oops you do in the second par lol ^_^

[Timeless-Chan]

alright i'm going to message you about the second paragraph and what little things you can do differently^_^

[Irvette Dauphine]

okay.. i'll do my best to fix it..
btw thanks~

[FrancescaX]

make it clear who was fighting. also follow Young Dreamer's advice for you r other paragraphs. you are good but we need more detail and better description.

[Irvette Dauphine]

yea.. if i have much time, i'll do it..
my school task is really consume my time..

[FrancescaX]

dont worry. take your time. finish school work first :)

[∠( ᐛ 」..]

I enjoyed this chapter that has full of amazement *_*
The ending was a cliffhanger, I love it!
100/100

[Irvette Dauphine]

thanks~

[∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿]

*_* the book of awesome

[Irvette Dauphine]

i already make new chapter in this book..

[Irvette Dauphine]

check it..

[Knight in Armor]

Again, you need a few grammar fixes. For instance, in the sentence, "The first man wore yellow robes as bright as the sun with the symbol of lighting pressed proudly onto the fabric on his chest while his opponent's rodes, decorated with the symbol of ice, was a blue like the depths of the ocean", the word "lighting" seems as though it should be "lightning". Similarly, the word "rodes" should be "robes". Also, the section with the two men fighting is a little unclear about which man is which. Aside from those kinds of errors, it's a fascinating piece.

[Irvette Dauphine]

and again.. i'll fix it..
thanks..

[icerhex]

There is so much potential here, you have great ideas and very creative plot points and characters. Its very good so far, but I think once the grammar is fixed it will be a lot more :D I can help, if you would like, just message me :)

[Irvette Dauphine]

of course i need your help..
btw thanks~

[icerhex]

no problem. I have to go now, but I will be back in a few hours. I will message you then :)

[ewest1220]

I also agree with a young dreamer on this one. Try reading it out loud and think what perspective it is being played out in. Again it can be something really great if you just give it a little cleaning! This has great potential!

[Irvette Dauphine]

yea.. i trying to do that..
but, english as my second language and i have trouble with grammar
i cant shape it in writing

[ewest1220]

Ah I see, I can take a closer look here and see if any specifics pop up that really stand out if you'd like :)

[Irvette Dauphine]

i'm glad you want to help me..

[ewest1220]

It's my pleasure my friend. I see a lot of potential in your works!

[Melody]

I agree with Young Dreamer, your grammar is a little iffy. I'll message you some of the corrections soon.

[Irvette Dauphine]

i'll waiting for ya..