"Father" i cry

This poem is about a little girl who got in a car accident with her father. She is in her fathers arms, looking up at him, but is to weak to speak.

I lie here dying

Screaming, crying but there's no sound to be heard

I see you father, the tears you cry

there yelling at me, asking why

I feel your arms trembling by my side

I have but one question,

Would you forgive me if I died?

I’m sorry I'm trying to stay alive

I see the pain piercing from your eyes

I want to tell you everything will be alright.

 

Reviews

[Seraph Trend]

I felt moved by your choice of words. "trembling by my side", "I see you father", these are words that give life to the poem. "would you forgive me if i died", this line, i felt strike a chord in my memories. I felt it in my core. I think your choice of words and the brevity of the work causes it to be complete. there is alot for me to savor here. I like it very much, GREAT work. Careful with your spelling. i have problems with this too!

[Hannah Monttkomepy]

This was sad. I felt kinda like crying (death is one of the only things I cry over) but I kept strong. This was a very... moving poem. I think that was the wording I was looking for. Nice job.

[Emily]

i'm sorry to be the only negative comment here
I really don't feel this poem
the first line "I lie here dying" was too outright and obvious after the title and the second "Screaming, crying without a sound" seemed like it was put in just because it rhymed. Yes, it can be made sense of and looked at as a very deep statement but it was such as easy transition that... well i felt that you may not have put too much thought into the poem
I also expected more at the end, maybe another stanza or so
i wonder if this is a first draft?

[VintageHottie]

Lovely. This was my favorite part:

Would you forgive me if I died?
I'm sorry I'm trying to stay alive

This pierced my heart because that is how I believe I will feel the day I die. Like I was letting those who love me down by leaving them.
It's beautiful, good write!!! ;)

[Muhammad]

this is really sad - but I can tell based off your other poems that you're really talented. I can almost feel your pain when I read them. keep writing and stay true!

[Mandi]

this is so depressing! Good write and you are a good writer!!!