Chapter 2: The Confession

Haunted by the "look," Darryl decides he must confess.

Bundled up in a thick trench coat, the lapels flipped up and head down in an attempt to protect his face from the bitter cold wind and falling snow, hands dug deep into the pockets, Darryl walks back to his apartment after dropping off some film. He had taken a bunch of photos of Alaska and the base per Tegan’s request and would be sending them to her and Charles.  There would be a few of ravens in there too.

In order to distract himself from the fact he is excruciatingly cold and still has a long, slippery walk ahead of him, Darryl begins a conversation with God.  

“How did I get here?” Darryl hears his own voice in his head. 

“You signed on with a recruiting party at the mall a year ago, remember?” a calm overarching voice speaks.  

“No, how did I get to this point?” Darryl rephrases. 

“And what point is that?” the voice asks. 

“You know. The thing. The… fact that I’m in love with my best friend’s girlfriend.”

“You’ve always confused lust with love.”

“No! Not this time. I admit yes she is very attractive and maybe that’s all it was before….”

“Before what?”

“Before that look. That moment we caught each other’s eyes, I saw Love there. I saw, in physical form, Love.”

“Love comes in many forms. Not all are romantic. There’s the love of lovers but also parental love and sibling love and friendship love.”

“Yes! That’s what I saw! I saw compassion in her eyes. A sort of compassionate love for the good of all. I’ve never seen that before, not with any other person, not even with my own family. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel ashamed.”

Just then Darryl recognizes a particular crack in the ice covered sidewalk and carefully steps around it.  He looks up. There is his apartment ahead, the light outside his door like a beacon to a tired sailor, making the snow underneath glisten like tiny stars.  

Darryl steps inside and removes his coat. He can feel himself literally melting as the warmth slowly overcomes his body. He gives a shake and runs his hand through his hair to remove snow that had fallen there. He sighs and looks around.

The apartment is small. He had been lucky enough to get a single room to himself. This he preferred. Alaska was already a lonely place and living alone would only exacerbate his loneliness but it was better than being lonely while surrounded by other people.  

A lamp is on in the corner illuminating half of the couch and a side table that holds a notebook and a pen. Darryl dreads what he has to do.  But, first, a Coke!

Darryl goes to the fridge where he removes one of his many cans of Coca-Cola, his favorite drink.  He takes a moment to enjoy the tingly explosions inside his mouth. He drinks half the Coke before he puts it down.  

There is no more postponing this.  It has to be done. He had written to Charles when he had been in basic, already confessing his attraction to his girlfriend. Luckily he had been forgiven and the confession swept under the rug.  Charles had never told Tegan.  

With a heavy sigh, Darryl collapses onto the couch. He sits there staring off into the distance for several minutes. Then he knows what he needs. Mozart!

He gets back up and puts on a CD of  the Requiem mass in D minor K626.  He places bulky headphones over his ears.  Classical music should only be listened to with headphones! With eyes closed, he listens quietly for the first eight minutes allowing the angelic voices wash over him.  

As the choir and music crescend at the end of eight minutes, there is a very brief pause and then, BAM, a flurry of vocalists and instruments bring together the final chorus. Darryl becomes animated, throwing up his right arm with its invisible baton. Eyes still closed he throws his head back and allows his body to fall backward onto the couch. 

He reaches over to grab the notebook and pen and writes:

 

27 Oct

Charles,

I was walking back from dropping off my film today when I started to talk to God.  I suddenly realized how He has been leading me to do all sorts of strange things which I wouldn’t have done otherwise, namely joining the military and moving to Alaska.  Here I am; I can’t believe it!  Now that I’m here, I can’t help but wonder where I’ll go after all this is over.  I’ve been thinking and praying hard about this, and I’ve been choking up with some very strange answers!  Obviously, I’ll do missionary work of some sort but how and where?  Anyway, when I come to a final decision - or am led to a final path - I shall let you know. 

I think anyone would be hard-pressed to find closer friends than you and I and I have never felt a greater brotherly love for anyone than I do for you.  I have always revealed my feelings to you on matters that concerned our friendship -- sometimes it took longer than others -- and so I shall again at the risk of angering you. When I said goodbye to Tegan that night we were all together, I felt something which I had never before experienced.  I hesitate to label the feeling; I will only say that underneath all her complexities, underneath all her disbelief, you have found a creature who walks with God.  I saw something in her eyes that night we all said goodbye - a concerned compassion.  I saw Love - not for me, but love in general.  That night your girlfriend touched me more deeply than anyone before.  I thank God that my best friend has had the luck to find someone so enlightening and that I - for but a few brief seconds which shall last an eternity - have had the good fortune to experience the essence of your love.  In all honesty, in those brief seconds we said goodbye, I felt a love for Tegan which I had never felt before.  And though it was wrong, I couldn’t help it.  Please forgive me.  I have felt so bad, yet it has moved me so deeply in my faith in God that I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry about it.  I think I am going to cry.  Please forgive me; I don’t know what else to say.

Your friend,

Love,

Darryl