Chapter 1: October Beauty

October 1995 and Tegan and Charles must say goodbye to their friend Darryl but something happens that will irreversibly change the dynamic of their relationships forever.

1995

Tegan carefully places one foot directly in front of the other with her arms outstretched. The late October sun is setting and its golden rays catch on Tegan’s fair hair, making the edges glow brightly as if she were a divine angel descending upon the land. 

Tegan’s body sways a bit too much and she loses her balance off the short ledge that runs around the perimeter of the elementary school’s playground. 

Tegan is not an elementary school student. Tegan is not even considered a child anymore by societal standards but she enjoys the brief nostalgic trip walking along the top of the blacktop’s boundary. 

“Whoa, you okay?” Charles asks, concerned for his girlfriend’s safety. 

“Yeah, that was fun!  I used to pretend I was an alley cat and that this was much higher of course.”

“I can totally see that.”

“You didn’t go to school here, did you Darryl?” Tegan asks, turning to her boyfriend’s friend. 

“No, my parents moved here after I was out of elementary school.”

Darryl walks alongside his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend with his hands deep in his pockets, arms stiff and pressed against his sides. He wears a flannel over his t-shirt since the weather is starting to turn. 

“We should probably head back now,” Charles says looking at the setting sun. “It’s getting late.”  

The three friends step into the neighboring field that separates Darryl’s parents house from the school.  No one speaks for several minutes. They all feel the inescapable dread which comes before the final goodbye. It would be a long time before Charles and Darryl would see each other again.

“Alaska sounds really awesome!” Tegan says, breaking the uncomfortable silence as they approach the house.

“Yeah, and cold,” Darryl says. “But I think it’ll be neat.”

“It seems you just got home and now you have to leave again.”

“Yeah, I know.  I really came to miss my family and friends while in Basic so parting feels even harder this time.” 

They reach the house and Charles' car in the driveway.  They stand around the car for a while trying to make up things to say to delay the inevitable. The sun is now long into its descent and the sky is filled with red and orange, which are themselves diminishing quickly as the cool darkness begins to creep in around the trio. 

Tegan stands staring at the hood of the car.  She feels the sadness between the two friends. It makes her sad, too.  But her sadness merely reflects the pain she knows Charles must be feeling.  

Tegan hadn’t known Darryl long enough to be sad she wouldn’t be seeing him for the next several months while he served in the air force in a place so inexplicably far away.  She and Charles had only begun dating a year and 3 months ago and soon afterward she met and became friends with his friends. 

Dave and Darryl are her boyfriend's two best friends. Charles had known Dave since his boy scout days but had met Darryl in high school. 

All three boys had been outcasts of high school society. Valuing academics over athletics, they had met Darryl in chess club and soon realized they all shared the same interests in D&D, Star Wars and good music like Pink Floyd. Tegan would beg to differ whether that’s good music.

Charles notices the sky has already grown quite dark with only a glimmer of blue light glowing from the horizon. 

“We probably should get going then.” 

There is an awkward pause as nobody wants to make the first move. Tegan looks up for a moment from staring uneasily at the hood of the car.  She catches Darryl’s eyes just as he turns in her direction. Their eyes lock onto each other for only a fraction of a second, then she looks away.  She has never been comfortable looking someone in the eye and this was a first with Darryl.  

“Well, buddy, good luck,” Charles says, reaching out for a handshake, knowing Darryl not to be one for hugging.

        

“Write when you get a chance,” Tegan adds.

        

“I will,” Darryl says.

He heads for the house and is inside before they leave the driveway.

 

………

On the drive back to Charles’ parents’ house, Tegan thinks about that exchange with Darryl.  Something about it feels strange, almost as if they had made a secret connection, invisible to Charles. It is as if they had just communicated more to each other in that brief moment than they had in actual words during the entirety of the fifteen months Tegan had known him. 

“Hey, why wasn’t Darryl at your brother’s graduation party that day you first saw me?” Tegan asks innocently.

“He was mad at me. I forget why. I think about a girl.”

“Hmm.”

“Why?”

“Oh I don’t know, just curious. It’s just… oh nevermind! I love you!”

“I love you, too,” Charles says smiling. He reaches over without taking his eyes off the road and kisses her on the head.

“What was that about?” he asks, now curious.

“I… I’m just glad we met first, that’s all.”

“Okay. I am too.” Charles pauses.

“Would you have dated Darryl if you’d met him first?” He figures it out.

Tegan blushes.

“Maybe,” she says meekly. “He IS very emotional,” she says with more enthusiasm. His letters from basic were almost poetic.”

“And I’m not?” Charles sounds hurt.

“Well… your writing is more… comedic.”

“I do like to make people laugh! But I have my dark moments, too. I almost quit during my third year at college, the year before I met you.  And there was the ‘Shadow War.’”

“Shadow War?” Tegan asks, confused.

“Yeah, advanced math classes were kicking my butt and I went to a dark place. I pushed my friends away, my prof was worried about me, her husband got mad at me.”

“Her husband got mad at you?! For what?!” Tegan asks incredulously.

“Cause… I was giving his wife sleepless nights. I just felt something was wrong with me. I never contemplated suicide. I mean that’s a bit frowned upon in the Catholic tradition. But I was very depressed. It isn’t just you and Darryl who get depressed.”

“Yeah, but… hmm, nevermind.”

“No, what? You think my depression doesn’t count? Because I’ve never considered suicide or written down my emotions or cut myself?” 

“Hey! That’s not fair. You know it’s a release for me. I can’t help it.” 

“Well, I wish you wouldn’t. You haven’t cut recently, have you?” He looks over at her suspiciously.

“No!” Now Tegan is mad. She hates it when he treats her like a child. “Nevermind! Sorry I said anything.”

“What are you mad about?” Charles' frustration and confusion are showing. 

“Having a girlfriend who hates herself and sometimes abuses her body is very confusing for me. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I don’t know what the right thing to do is! I want nothing more than to protect you but the person who is hurting you is you!”

“So you wish you had a different girlfriend?!”

“NO! No, that’s NOT what I am saying! I love YOU but I don’t know how to help you.”

“You don’t love all of me,” Tegan says coolly.

“No, I don’t love the parts of you that aren’t you. The Tegan who cuts herself is not you. That’s not the Tegan I see. I see the happy, geesing, kind Tegan.  THAT’s who you really are!  I think you just get on those black glasses and can’t see the truth. You’re talented. You’re smart. You’re kind. You’re beautiful, cute and sexy all wrapped in one!” He smiles at her, hoping this will lighten the mood.

Tegan rolls her eyes. Charles is probably right. Everyone has been telling her this. Her best friend, her best friend's older sister. 

“It’s just…” Tegan begins softly. “It’s just that dark part of me still feels like me, like a part of me that is fighting for its life, begging me not to let it go.”

“I wish it would let you go. It’s stopping you from being the real you.”

“But my emotions ARE me. My emotions come naturally. I can’t help them. If I feel sad or jealous, then I AM sad or jealous and thus a sad, stupid, jealous, bad person.”

“I don’t know. I know you get very sad when I have to leave. That’s been our biggest argument this past year. I think you focus on the wrong things. I focus on the fact I will see you again. You focus on the separation.”

“I hate my house. I hate being there. With you I feel safe. When you’re not there I feel so empty and alone.” Tegan begins to cry.

“I know,” Charles reaches an arm over to hold her as best he can. She leans into him.  “Oh TT, my TT, what am I ever going to do with you?”

Tegan remains silent the rest of the way back to the house. She enjoys the feel of Charles’ arm wrapped around her right shoulder, her left leaning against him. She stares down at Charles’ legs. She can see the floor of the car, the tape player and the mix tapes she had made for him lying in the small compartment underneath.

She is glad. Glad she has Charles in her life. He is her rock. Without him where would she be? He is her voice of reason in an otherwise sea of turmoil and noise. She realizes she is making too big a deal out of the exchange with Darryl and brushes off, never, she figures, to be thought of again. 

Besides, Charles is her one love, the one that transcends all others. Being the first relationship for the both of them makes it special. Their hearts had never belonged to another and never would. It doesn’t get more romantic than that. Tegan is certain this is true love.