Book Marks

“What marks your place in the world?  What turns you on, fires you up, what are you passionate about?”  I teach a creative writing class in a Continuing Education for seniors branch of D.U. and I ask my class these questions at the beginning of each semester.

 

If book marks keep our place in books we read, what keeps our place in the world?

I say too quickly that my heart keeps my place in the scheme of my days.  But too often this is a struggle.  People intrude, duties assume large importance, and worldly things interfere.  For too long, I put people, places, and things ahead of knowing myself.  One day I enumerated to a friend the tasks I was involved in to fix things for others, take care of their desires and wants.  She gently asked me, “What do you want?”�"such a simple question.  I paused and thought and finally answered, “I haven’t a clue.”

 

Friends and family have an important place in my life and in my heart.  But in the midst of being in the busy world, I had no idea where I fit, where I naturally belonged.  I didn’t know what to look for.  I’d marked a place in my book of life for everyone and everything, but when I examined these places I didn’t seem to find me lurking in any corner.  In short, I didn’t have a clear view of who I was or what I wanted.

 

Slowly as I turned the pages of my life I found clues here and there.  Like a movie run backwards, I saw where I glowed up in the mountains, bloomed in the park, I smiled inside and out with a creative writing class.  I heard a whoop of joy watching myself with my grandchildren swimming with the dolphins. Most of all I saw myself, as I matured, stepping out of the coloring lines more and more.  In fact, I delight in stepping out of the lines others have for my life.  Out the window went guilt of enjoying myself and I heard a Whoopee! coming from me.

 

I saw myself finding my own path and having decided which direction to head, I watched a more defined person step forward to lead her own life.

 

Why did I take so long to mark my place�"in my life, in my world?  I don’t know.  Perhaps I was too busy collecting smiles for my behavior, marching to the same beat as others.  It’s not that I’m now creating off-key tunes that jar, quite the opposite.  My tune is quiet and gentle and guides only me, but it feels real.  It feels authentic.  I found my place and marked my book of life, with my heart.