Wonders Lost

A poem about what the world would be like if dark thoughts were real...

Mist on the ground.

Purple and black in the sky.

Pain in the air.

Things that were once in a mind,

are now in the real world.

Demons walking in the allies of Hell.

Fire burning in every soul.

For whom do these wonders belong to?

The living; now not.

No sun,

but yet,

a faint light in the sky.

Words floating around; all lost.

People, wondering nothing.

Nothing sit in their brain.

For all wonders are now gone.

Let out into the damned world.

Well, they are either gone,

or floating down the

river of dispaire,

never to

be seen,

or thought again.

 

 

Reviews

[M@]

I like the idea, as others here have added. This seems to me to be part in parcel of something much bigger; I'm thinking a prologue to a narrative poem (here meaning a novel or novella written in poetic form).

As others has said, it's a bit wordy, which leads me to believe the above thought. Because of that, and because of the way you explicate what is going on, I can't make out much else from this piece save for the fact that there's Hell on Earth. I get that and understand it, but I don't feel it, which is rather important for a piece with such a strong idea tethered to it.

The symbols and ideas expressed are, for lack of a better word, cliche. Demons walking in hell, pain in the air, a faint light in the sky, all seem to me to have been said before by various people in various fashions. They carry no weight to them, and the reader feels no weight; even though the reader's perfectly capable of seeing such images in their head, they get nothing else from it.

However, because of the subject matter, you give yourself a lot of space to play in. Exactly what negative thoughts of humanity do you want to touch on? How did such a thing come to pass? We know what the world is like now that negative thoughts can permeate through the threads of reality, but even a person who witnesses this aftermath is going to ask, "What happened here?" first before asking anything else. You've got a lot of room to let loose with wild imagry, robust word choice, frightful diction, and creative word play. This piece has so much potential it's maddening.

Like I mentioned earlier, this would be a great kicker to a narrative written in poetic fashion, but by itself, it lacks the punch that your readers want, and crave, to feel.

[Steffi]

Really interesting idea

I loved the simple yet...not to simple language used in thie piece it really gave a nice effect
Also the word choice in itself was really well done.
The flow tied this piece together.
Good Write

[Sarah]

WOW! What an original idea, someone's dark thoughts becoming reality... I loved the description, especially the use of color in the first couple lines. Really great, I loved reading this!

[Wandering Bard]

Got a little wordy did we? :P Didn't know you could cuss.
Very nice flow to the poem, Poetry.