The Stranger Within Me

 On a busy street in London, it was he who manages to catch my attention. The very essence of his attraction is so strong it makes me look up from the nugatory* social world trapped inside my phone. Against the lifeless wall of a building, he stands there looking at me with an admiring gaze. To my surprise, the young man does not frighten me. He has a soft glow to his face. The expressions on a stranger’s face never felt more welcoming and beautiful. His dark blue coat covers him good, but it still doesn’t stop me from imagining how every muscle and bone, every part of his flesh and pint of his blood radiates with confidence, emanating so brightly it seems to bring that wall to life.
   Slowing pace, my eyes fixed on him, but he didn’t seem real. Never in my life has anyone manage to catch my attention like this. Was I imagining things? Did my mind finally start playing tricks on me? At last, he smiles at me. My heart sinks. I could feel the adrenaline rush inside my blood. The expansion of arteries make my cheeks feel warm. For once in my life, I feel good about myself. The wind is on my side today, blowing my hair back as I slowly walk toward him. Time seems to have ceased for us. My pink dress probably matches the colour of my cheeks. Everything feels perfect. I, for once, feel perfect. My body is taken over by fascination and joy, and the glow on his face becomes brighter. Using those seventeen muscles in my face, I finally feel a smile spread across my lips.
   And, that is when it all begins to spiral down. What if he notices the imperfections in my teeth? What if I am not tall enough? Would I look as good as I did from far away? What if I am unable to speak fluently? Am I good enough? I stopped walking towards this person who still had his eyes on me. Is he noticing my flaws? I struggle to breathe, all my confidence is shattered and destroyed by an ambush, laid by my flaws.
   I crawl back into my shell again. The wind leaves my side, as well. It blows against me. My hair moves along with the wind, onto my face, hiding the melancholy and distress. 
   I brush it out of my eyes, only to notice how the handsome stranger’s image is slowly fading away. That glow suddenly begins dying, like the little flicker left on a melting candle.
   With the lifeless wall back to its original mundane look, the stranger was finally gone, and so were the small hints of self acceptance inside me.
   The man was not real, he was the confidence and the self love that I lacked, the force that could drive my doubts away. That stranger was my heart speaking to me, and I was the wall. 

Author's Note

Author’s Note:
*nugatory = worthless, unimportant, inconsequential, valueless, trifling, trivial, insignificant, meaningless.
*i want to thank a special friend R. for helping me and motivating me to write everyday*
self love, acceptance and confidence is a stranger to me
dont worry its just fictional writing i'm not actually a sad person XD

Reviews

[William Liston]

Being someone who loves to study human emotions, I found this piece both insightful and well-written. It not only had a meaningful message, but communicated that message in a strong way. I enjoyed the symbolism throughout, how it developed, how it resolved at the end, and how it was reflected in the title.
Your vocabulary and syntax are also spot-on; though, I do agree with JayG's point about the word "nugatory" ... I suggest replacing it with a simpler word.

A few more points to consider:
- The sentence that begins "the expansion of my arteries" feels a bit too specific and scientific for this story. I suggest simply saying "My cheeks begin to feel warm." The same goes for the phrase "using those seventeen muscles in my face" which I think needs to be omitted.
- Watch for switching tenses. This is written in the present tense, so part of the first sentence needs to read "it *is* he who *manages* to catch my attention."

If you need more explanation, just let me know. Based on this story, you're brilliant and deeply philosophical person ... I look forward to reading more of your works.

- William Liston

[pia]

Thank you so much for your review and advice and yes i did learn about my mistakes from jayc's review !!!

[pia]

I will be sure to read your work as well :)

[A little flame]

This is a brilliant story. I must admit, this one got me. I was completely drawn in, wondering what would happen next. You perfectly intertwined intellect and empathy in this beautiful piece!

[pia]

Thank you so much !!

[A little flame]

You are very welcome(:

[Vic]

I enjoyed the imagery, and the confidence you portrayed in the writing, "I, for once, feel perfect".

[pia]

Thankss !!!

[Kathryn Smith]

Oh my sweet pia! This is beautiful! You took me there..it felt like I was there. Well done lady! :D

[pia]

Thankss kathryn !!!

[JayG]

• On a busy street in London, it was he who managed to catch my attention.

When you read this, you, who created it, can see it in your mind. Burt for me, based on what the words say, this unknown he is "on" the street. Does that mean he's laying on the asphalt, being run over? Is it a dog or cat? No hint.

The problem is that I'm hearing this from someone talking about the scene not in it. So first, you tell me that someone we've not met caught the attention of someone unknown. Then you tell the reader about the "essence" of the attraction to this cat or dog...or beautiful child... or...

But if you tell the reader WHAT caught the protagonist's attention, and make them feel it, you need explain nothing.

Here's the deal: At the moment you're talking to a reader who can't hear your voice or see your expression, about things only you can see. You're telling the reader a story,which places you squarely between the reader and the characters. And given that you're not on the scene or in the story, what's entertaining about a the diary entry of someone whose gender we don't know?

• *nugatory = worthless, unimportant,

Instant rejection for using it in the story, I'm afraid. Why?

Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent. 

~ George Orwell

The purpose of the Thesaurus isn't to help find alternate words. It's to find the perfect word to communicate the thought. And the perfect word shouldn't have to be explained.

The short version: You're telling, from the viewpoint of a dispassionate outside observer. You need to place the reader in her head, AS HER, and living the scene, not hearing about it from someone pretending to be her.

[pia]

Ok i agree to the first issue
"On a busy street in London, it was he who managed to catch my attention"
Didnt realise it. Thank you for pointing it out

[barleygirl]

This is extremely brilliant! The message is so important & yet stated in a subtle way that the reader kinda has to dig around to get. For me, it was this: We see in the faces of other people who look at us, we see the same things we feel inside about ourselves . . . that is, our outer experience reflects how our inner self-image is shaping up or down. That's so slick, the way you painted this in word pictures in a nicely tight piece that's easy to read for people with short attention spans.

Normally I hate when people use the word "perfect" or when they describe a scene in terms of perfection. But in your story, this works well. It's becuz your story is an allegory, wherein some aspects of life are exaggerated to make a point. But also, this "perfection" in your story works becuz you don't rely on the word "perfect" to conjure up what you're trying to convey to the reader . . . and you PAINT what perfect is by using a ton of interesting details & observations. Your details really sing here. It's a nice balance between simple relatable stuff & also some interesting & more unusual stuff.

As for your author's note . . . I can't resist responding to how lovely it is to have a friend who inspires us to write or who helps give a kick in the butt when needed *smile* (((HUGS)))

[pia]

I absolutely adore every review you give me !!! Im always motivated to do better when i read your reviews
Thank you so much !!

[barleygirl]

Your appreciation makes it all worthwhile for me *smile* (((HUGS)))

[Paul Bell]

Great moral to your story. As soon as you walk through your front door into the world. A perception is made of you. Outwardly you may look as confident as hell. But inside, dread of meeting or speaking to people. The good news however is. We all have the same hang ups.

[pia]

Thanks paul!!

[Rassoul]

Such an amazing piece of writing, Pia!

Worth reading, keep it up.

[N.]

confidence is the great equalizer. with it, no one is out of your league and it overshadows any imperfections a person thinks they have. this what heart of this character was saying your are imperfectly beautiful and it ok and your more that good enough for anyone regardless of looks because we only see faces but the the beauty within. this piece is amazing and it really taps in to the thoughts of when we think we are not good enough. i would love to see a continuation to this piece and the confidence change this character from caterpillar into a butterfly. N.

[pia]

Thank you so much !!!

[Farhan Shaikh]

That's really good read..worth it.
We should never lose our confidence it is one of the crucial things and last paragraph made this special

[pia]

Thankss!!!