Never Trust a Nurse in Latex

This started as a horror story because it was an entry to a horror contest, but really it's more of a humorous piece so i changed the category. There isn't anything really adult in the story, but the theme is a little mature for younger kids.

Markus looked at the nurse sourly, squinting in the neon light.

 

“Think we can turn off the lights, sunshine?” he drawled. Iliya looked skeptically over her shoulder at the pallid man in the bed, his limp black hair falling past his shoulders around an obscenely large, upside-down crucifix at his neck. Bat wing tattoos curled around his shoulders, the leading edges of the intricate tattoo patterns that ran down the entire length of his arm. She raised her feathery blonde eyebrows and put her hands on her curvaceous hips, almost touching the hem of her uniform with her polished fingernails.

 

“If you wanted vampire-friendly service,” she said haughtily, showing her sharpened teeth in a wicked smile, “then I guess you shouldn’t have tried to bite my sister, huh? Synthetic light won’t kill you.”

 

“Well, I didn’t know she was a werewolf, did I, sweetheart?” he hissed back at her, grimacing. His hand strayed to the open gash that ran along his ribs. With the werewolf infection coursing through it, his healing was negated. The only way to fix it was to have the poison withdrawn from the wound, which was why he was here. He looked up to his left, at the IV they had stuck in his arm. It was blood, sure, but he would prefer to have that tube running into his mouth, not his arm. And it would be nice if the blood weren’t contained in an empty steak sauce bottle. That was just bizarre. He looked back over at the nurse, but she had disappeared through the doorway into the blissfully dim hallway, where he couldn’t see anything but the neon reflecting off her tight Latex uniform. What the hell kind of hospital is this, anyway? With a werewolf nurse and Latex uniforms? Then again, he pondered, staring at the sexy dress on the nurse.

 

Moments later a second nurse entered the room, dressed in a similar uniform, but lacking the headband that her coworker wore. She was pushing a metal table, carrying nothing but a foot-long metallic syringe, complete with a wicked-looking needle, and a pair of rubber surgical gloves. Markus looked appreciatively at the brunette nurse, with her hair slicked back into a bun much in the vampiric style, before he realized that this was the woman he had attempted to bite. His eyes fell upon the tray, at which point he sat up straight, snarling. The blonde nurse reentered the room, with a malicious grin on her face that quickly passed to her sister. Before he could rise from the table, she forced him back onto it with strength that belied her sexy feminine form.

 

“Do you know what happens to a vampire that attacks a werewolf?” the brunette asked, pausing. She walked around the cart, her high heels clicking on the linoleum tile. She crossed to the opposite side of the room and flicked off the lights. Markus sighed despite himself, as the only glow to now enter the room came from a streetlamp outside.

 

While Markus had this momentary lapse of attention, the blonde snatched the gloves from the cart and slid them on, then walked back around the bed and placed her hands on the vampire’s bare chest, pushing hard enough to hurt. He bared his fangs at her in a sort of grin/scowl.

 

“Finally given in to your feminine urgings, sweet cheeks?” She grinned seductively at him and leaned in close on his left side, shifting her hand slightly as to bare the area above his heart.

 

“In your dreams, nightwalker,” she whispered, before the silver needle stabbed down in Markus’s chest. Before the fires of hell reached out to claim him, he heard a howl echo through the building.

 

Reviews

[Rain]

Werewolves,Vampires,Latex..Oh no. lol. Dark writing is not my thing, but you are very good with it. Your writing and use of words made it like a movie, which I love. I like reading works that move, that you can feel. Like I said..not my style, but you are excellent with it. Rain

[smiggle wiggle]

Great Job! This piece is wonderfully written and it intrigues me to want to know more! Megan.

[Deidre A. H.]

Intriguing short work. I like the idea of it. It has a light, dark humor mostly relating to the werewolves, and I can appreciate that.

Speaking as an entry to the "Not Your Typical Vampire" contest, however, it's a little lacking. The story-telling is good. The writing is good. But there's nothing particularly original about the vampire. It seems the werewolves are a little more unique, as well as the interaction that takes place between werewolf bites and vampires' rapid healing. It's relevant, a little, to the contest, and you don't describe the vampire as stereotypical. But "not stereotypical" doesn't equate to "unique and original."

Good writing in the end, though. Thank you for sharing this with me.

Also, thank you for taking interest in and entering my contest. Good luck.

[facadeofshadows]

Fa�ade of Shadows Contest Critique

These reviews, of course, are a bit harsh compared to the reviews I normally give (but hey, this WAS for 50 bucks!). You'll see the scores you got on the actual criteria sheet I used to rate each piece. Everyone was scored based on the same criteria. I had to get down-and-dirty with a few things, so I hope everyone will take each critique as a chance to fix all the nit-picky things I had to use to successfully rate all of the brilliant works submitted.

Title Score (10): __7___
Comments
Interesting title? Yes. Fear inspiring? No.

Opening Paragraph (10): __5___
Comments
You give me a lot of description with the first paragraph (seriously). We know who is in the scene� I love the "sourly" description � but I have no setting, no way of knowing the story is horror, or really any hook. Maybe I should have included paragraph two as well, but I don't see any action there either.

Characterization (10): __4___
Comments
I would have liked to have gotten more of the story. It didn't seem complete, and the characters seemed to have no motivation (other than the fact that werewolves and vampires don't get along� a point that isn't mentioned in your story, by the way, but must be assumed based on other works).

Plot (10): __3___
Comments
Nothing new here. In fact, it was expected that the reader already knew aspects of YOUR plot based on other works.

Setting (10): __7___
Comments
I loved the setting, I loved the nurses in latex, the imagery was so-so, but what you left up to me to imagine was just as entertaining.

Other Genre Elements (10): __2___
Comments
No one scores high in this category, but you get some erotica points� if only for the fact that your vampire character comments "Then again�" about the latex dresses. Hehe.

Horror Elements (20): __5___
Comments
Vampires, werewolves, needles. But I wasn't scared. And I didn't relate to your bad guy � because I didn't know which one WAS the bad guy.

Overall Appeal (20): __10___
Comments
I found that even with the lack of elements, plot, and characterization I still really enjoyed this. I found it more humorous than anything else. I'm still not sure I could classify it as horror � dark fantasy would be better � but again, I found it amusing and entertaining.

[Dawn Davis]

wow this was a good short story. I think it would be even better if you started out the story with how he got there in a little more detail. I just think it would strengthen your story some but all in all it was wonderful

[Crazy Cat Man]

Hell this piece is so good. I think you can write a series on this story. :) HEll even a write a screenplay. I think You can do it.

[Ice Queen of the Vampir..]

This piece is awesome. I love it even though I like vampires more than werewolves. Great job!!!

Heather

[Jonathan Bryant Dean]

Sweet revenge of the Were-nurse. I like what you have done in this short story. Well told, with great descriptions of the setting and characters.

JBD

[Chad Dougless]

Great job with this Zephyr. You packed a lot of detail into a small area and made it very interesting as well. You wrote very clearly and your story was very entertaining. Good luck in the contest.

[Raef C. Boylan]

Not bad, plent of action at a decent pace.
Good luck with the contest.

[Bhumi]

I liked your story . I hope you win the contest.