daily colors

just my train of thought on one of my depressed days.

How many times have you wondered who you truly are, how you fit into your own life and how many those around you, know the real you. Well I wonder every day I wonder if the people I call my friends talk about me behind my back, I know they talk about other people behind their backs. I wonder if my mum and dad will just start yelling at me for some small thing I did, I forget things easily. I wonder if everyone’s life would have been better without me, they can’t see the real me because I don’t want to be a burden. You see what I’m really asking is, how many of you have put a price on your own lives?

I have, and the only reason I don’t end my suffering is because I know my parents would be ‘disappointed’ in me. Sure they would be devastated that I was dead, but I hear them talk, they think suicide’s the easy way out. They think it has no real meaning, they think that whoever commits or attempts suicide is weak. That there selfish and only thinking of themselves and not there loved ones.

I have often wondered what they would say if they knew what I go through each day,

“it’s just a phase”

“You’ll get over it”

“It’s just hormones, don’t worry about it”

“So….it won’t kill you”

Even though I know my parents to be very loving, in my mind all the things they say hurt. My mother says that we have a well balanced family, because not all families can say ‘I love you’ on a regular basis, I think it would hurt her if I told her that when I say it I’m just on autopilot, I don’t mean it, well at least not how you think.

So do you have an answer for the original questions I asked you?

No

Oh, well o.k. then.

Each to their own.

Don’t ask me what that means because it’s just me putting a phrase I know into my writing, all I know about it is in a conversation that’s roundabout were it would go. You see I think it means each to their own opinion, we can all have our own thoughts but we shouldn’t inflict them onto others. What do you think?

As I’m writing this it is a Thursday, a yellow day in my eyes, have you ever related a color to a day? Today’s yellow because I haven’t felt anything today. I have four types of days, yellow, when I don’t feel anything, blue, when I enter the downward tunnel called depression, don’t get me wrong I go through weeks of blue at a time it’s not just a sudden thing, then there’s the red days, If I even think you had so much as looked at me the wrong way I would smash your head ageist a wall, it takes so much effort not to hurt my friends on those days, although on those days I don’t see them as friends, just b*****s who gossip all the time and then I hate myself for even thinking it and lastly there’s green days, I have few of them, it’s when I feel like a normal human, I don’t suspect people I see on the street as going to hurt me or bring me to a state of any form of pain. So if you’ve been paying attention you should have guessed that I have depression, I also have anxiety problems, anger issues and even though this won’t give any hints away I have mild separation issues and some trust issues. Now please don’t think that I’m just a teenage girl wanting attention, because I DON’T, I want to fade into a wall to not be seen, the only days I will ever talk out in class is on green or yellow days when I feel good about myself or I just don’t care, otherwise when called on, even the roll call, I freeze up and find it hard to speak or even breath sometimes. Teachers all ways say that you should just get the public speaking over with, if you try and prolong it, you will only bring attention to yourself, whenever one of them say that I feel like slapping them, there are some people that when faced with the possibility of speaking or anything in front of crowds they just can’t physically do it, I don’t really know how that would feel, I’ve always been forced to do it or face being yelled at, something I just can’t handle, I have to put myself through one pain to avoid another. A couple of days ago I jumped over a major hurdle, I read a few paragraphs of writing to a class of 9 students, I know it’s not much but I was so proud of myself.

I would like to also add that by writing this story, my (part way) story I am not trying to gain attention and please know that if this makes it onto the internet then I have just jumped an incredibly large hurdle in my life, I wrote this knowing I would never show anyone, I wrote this in a time of depression when I needed a way to release what I felt, posting this online would be incredible to me, I feel that you would somehow use it against me, to hurt me, but I need to break these thought patterns if I don’t they will ruin my life. I will fix this.

If I told you I like being in big crowds would you believe me?

I hope not

So the overall question. Have you put a price on your life?

Author's Note

yer this is what happens on my depressed days when i feel like ending it all. i write and write and write, its allways stuff that dosnt make scence, just a train of thought of the colors of my day.