BAD DAY IN MY MIND

Strange creatures circle the edges
And their eyes are hungry and haunted
One day their teeth shall glint dangerously
And I know it very well
For I shall be their meat
Though I cannot imagine fear
And I should feel something

Several people are asking me for help
But I shall probably turn away
For uncertainty clings to my head
Like a monkey that cannot be shaken
With claws in my eyes
I try to see my way out
But, of course, there is none
And the demands on my name
Echo where my conscience should be

Passengers come and go
On my endless journey
The landscape is familiar
And occasionally a memory smiles and waves
All too briefly, it seems
I feel I ought to cry more
But nothing seems to hurt as it used to
Only my nakedness makes me cold

                                 By Phil Roberts

Reviews

[DaughterNature]

I like this - I think it's going somewhere really strong. My favorite line is, "I feel I ought to cry more." I like that line because it's simultaneously emotional and detached.

I think that writing poetry in future tense can be difficult, and that may be part of why I think this can still use some rewriting. The first stanza feels like you were trying to express something really powerful, but it reads a little grandiose and overwrought. Like I said, you've got a good thing going here, just give it a little more work and it will be something great.

Cheers!

[Phil Roberts]

thank you for your advice. it is an old poem actually and I never gave it the time it deserves. a fault of mine, I'm afraid :/

[DaughterNature]

No worries - I've done the same. I post tons of my old stuff on here in order to get constructive feedback from others. It's often smart, I've learned, to write something and then let it sit for a while. When I come back to the piece with a clear mind, I'm more likely to make better edits.

[Phil Roberts]

I agree with that. a little perspective can go a long way.