Temptation

A twist in my sobriety

I have been in Asia for the better part of a month now and my flight back to Europe leaves at noon tomorrow. Anxious to go home, I find it impossible to sleep. It is 3 AM and I am strolling down Tokyo’s Shinjuku entertainment district. 

Today, the eleventh of the eleventh month of 2015, is celebrated in Asia as Bachelors’ Day. As the digit 1 resembles a stick, symbolizing someone who is alone, 11/11 is considered to be a lucky day for singles. On Alibaba, Asia’s answer to Amazon, bachelors have bought two hundred and fifty million Anti-Valentine’s gifts to celebrate their singleness. Funnily enough, many find each other on this special day and are henceforth no longer single. The streets are filled with couples, determined to paint the town red tonight.

An expat colleague has given me the address of a skyline bar at the Park Hyatt and I am now standing in front of the majestic high-rise, hesitating to go in. After some deliberation, I cross the imposing lobby and take the elevator up to the 52nd floor, straight into the glorious bar where Bill Murray first saw Scarlett Johansson in Coppola’s indie movie Lost in Translation. I have a soft spot for Scarlett and I imagine myself in the iconic scene right when he offers her a Suntory single malt Japanese whisky - For relaxing times, make it Suntory time -  and she teasingly orders a G and T instead, with that flair of feminine defiance that would become her signature expression.

The bar has a glitzy Gatsby theme going on with the women dressed flapper style with bobbed hair and dazzling short dresses. An elegant blonde in a flamboyant red Roaring Twenties dress is singing Lana Del Rey’s Young and Beautiful, accompanying herself on a white Baby Steinway. People are holding Vintage 1920 Prohibition Cocktails like Highballs and Old Fashions, Daiquiris and Side Cars. The girls wear feathers in their hair and smoke long cigarettes. The view outside over Tokyo’s rooftops is formidable and my head is spinning.

Before I can ask the bartender whether this really is the Lost in Translation cocktail lounge, he nods knowingly and points to a specific bar stool. I ask: “He or she ?” He answers with a tired smile: ”She”. 

I take the seat and order a Kirin Ice beer with a very exact 0.0% alcohol. I have been sober for 30 months and I consider myself sufficiently ruggedized to be trusted alone in a late-night Tokyo bar. Deep down, though, I feel the familiar sting in a place like this. Like an old love lost but not forgotten, it still eats at my core. It is not a coincidence I keep going back to waterholes like this.

Three pretty Japanese girls are entertaining a bunch of German businessmen at the far end of the bar, away from the party. The girls seem too beautiful to be true. I cannot help but wonder at this arrangement. On the surface, the men look like predators, Alpha males, in town to close the deal. The girls seem too young and outnumbered. A $600 Jeroboam of Louis Roederer Cristal  Champagne gets passed around and keeps them going.

On second glance, I realize that the girls are in the lead and the men eagerly take part in this universal game. Willing participants in an age-old ritual. The girls are flirting shamelessly, she-wolfs in their natural habitat.

The scene triggers ambiguity in me. Shame and fascination. Disapproval and attraction. But why should I care? The bartender is minding his own business and I too turn away.

My eyes settle on a cabinet with expensive cigars on display. Each cigar is wrapped individually with an impressive label that reads Caliber & Carat  in an elegant font. My mind connects dots which are not there. Caliber as in lethal weapon, Carat as in flawless diamond.

Or carat as in flawless girls and caliber as in character strength? What type of man would mess around with school girls (or, at least, that is the look the young women are going for) very late on a Thursday night? I wonder for a moment whether that type could be me under different, less sober circumstances.

I cannot help but let my gaze drift back to the scene with the girls and the Germans. One of the women looks straight at me while pulling the tie of one of the men. Her eyes dare me: “So what?”

I suddenly feel totally out of place and exposed as an imposter, as if the entry ticket to this bar is a real drink. An adult drink. Confused and with thoughts spiraling down into a familiar pattern, I pay for the fake beer that I did not touch. It occurs to me I am still a dry drunk, full of resentment and anger. This place eats at my resolve and I need to go. I put on my raincoat and leave in a hurry. The higher pitched broken English of the girls follows me into the corridor and resonates all the way down the elevator ride.

Outside, I walk briskly back to my own hotel feeling deeply sorry for myself.  And God knows that sorry is not a good place to be in, not if I want to make it to three years. It has started raining. I get soaked but do not mind. It feels appropriate, like a ritualistic cleansing.  

Back in my room, I am too agitated to go to bed. For more than an hour, I watch the stock ticker on CNN while my thoughts try to come to some conclusion.

What to make of this? I walked out of a tricky situation. This time. But what about next time? My moral compass may be pointing to the North but what does that buy me? And of course, the big question. In the final analysis, will I drink again?

I take deep breaths and slowly but surely come to stand on solid ground. I feel like I made it back from behind enemy lines. Back in the DMZ here in my room, I start to feel better about this whole thing. Temptation was a clear and  present danger tonight but it did not tip me over. Tomorrow I will feel stronger than ever. But I emotionally know that I came as close as I’ve gotten in a very long time. The realization hurts but feels good at the same time.

I am still and will always be like the moth circling the flame, unable to stay away from the brightest of lights. 

Author's Note

New version uploaded. Thank you all for your feedback!

Reviews

[Drcicarlo]

After the first few sentences I was hooked! This has been quite a fascinating read. Your strength to hold on to your power is astonishing-- simply because most folks could not last even a few minutes in such an environment with promiscuous temptations. Although it was clear before confession how difficult it was to retract from participating, I found it rather heroic that you saved yourself from utmost self-hatred. Finally, at the end when you wrapped your head around your actions and realized that you will become stronger I felt chills run down my spine. That is absolutely incredible. Thank you for sharing.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Erica

Kind regards Philip

[Bear]

Coming from Belgium, I assume English is not your native language and writing in a language that's not native to you is one of the hardest things there is to do. The nuances in grammar and punctuation are enough to drive your crazy, and the words that are spelled almost the same but very different meaning so again I applaud your courage. That said, I see that WorryWrite provided you with a critique but (businessmen and bartender) are each one word.
Your story offers an interesting insight to a different culture and the intrigue of a world traveler and it leaves a haunting psychological impression, well done :~)

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for constructive feedback Bear.

[Leon C]

I like the sense of isolation you achieved, the alone in in a room full of people.

A nice character study.

Well done

[Philip Muls]

Thank you, I appreciate it.

[Serge Wlodarski]

That is a good story Philip. Both the insight into a culture I am not familiar with, plus the universal struggle with dealing with your internal demons. I am fortunate not to have an addictive personality as I can resist almost anything, except temptation. My guess is that the businessmen are no match at all for the girls.

[Philip Muls]

Good analysis and feedback Serge. Funny that you say you do not have an addictive personality while you cannot resist temptation. Then I guess it means you know when enough is enough.

[Serge Wlodarski]

It is a fine line that I walk. But I never buy the party size bags of Fritos.

[B. Boileau]

Living in Vegas I have seen first hand any number of addictions. I have quite a few friends that have gone through what you have so exactly described. Stay strong my friend.
bill

[Philip Muls]

Thanks Bill. Funny you should say that, I am writing this now at 5 AM at Caesar's Palace in Vegas where I am in a sales conference this week.

[A.marie.speaks]

Real and raw. I lived in the moment with this one, I could feel the struggle and anxiety. Addiction is a weight we carry in our souls, right down to our genes. It is a life long war fought through daily battles. Stay strong! And great piece of work

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for honest feedback. It is a struggle but getting better. I experienced the Tokyo scene for real last week so it is raw and real indeed.

[A.marie.speaks]

Wow. Well congratulations! I have been fighting addiction for almost 10 years, this April it will be 10 years.. and it is a spiritual and intellectual battle.. keep your eyes fixed on the present as hard as it is, and keep writing! Writing has helped me through my darkest days

[Philip Muls]

10 years..respect

[A.marie.speaks]

Yup 10 years, 2 kids, 5 years of intense cognitive therapy, music, writing and watching as more than half of my old friends die from bad choices has kept me focused. But the path always starts like yours, 30 months is such an amazing accomplishment. I love reading pieces from others like me, it feeds my soul and solidifies my belief that anyone can change if they really want it. Stand proud friend.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you ! And you have my full support and respect.

[Outdated Account]

Critical feedback incoming:

There are 100 better pictures to use as cover art. None of them LOOK like they were found on Google.

Indentation is something you should look into. Unless this complete lack of indentation is thematic, or unavoidable, I'd add that in. Paragraph's should be curvy, like a seductive woman, enticing the reader to continue.

Starting off with the place and date gives me several distinct impressions. First, the typical noir detective introduction. That this is an entry in a journal. The unnecessary specification of a location as it is jumped to in a movie (typically accompanied with a stereotypical landmark, like the Eiffel Tower if you were anywhere in France and not just Paris). There's nothing intrinsically wrong with this, but it rubs me, a reader, the wrong way.

The phrase is "for the better part of" not "for the best part of", not unless you're implying that the character prefers a part of the month over another... which is odd to say the least.

For one, typically "am" as in "3 am" is capitalized like "AM". On top of that, AM implies that the time is "in the morning". Saying "3 AM in the morning" is redundant.

Again, while not intrinsically wrong, whenever something happens in Tokyo it stereotypical happens in the Shinjuku district. It's pretty much one of three places a westerner would recognize in Tokyo, and saying that it is "infamous" does not really excuse the use of a stereotypical location. If you describe a place it becomes more real and less stereotypical, it can also give a much greater depth to the narrative.

There are two double spaces in the first paragraph. Before "Anxious" and between "Shinjuku" and "entertainment".

You have already stated (in fact it was the first thing you did) that this is happening in November. Saying it is "11/11" is a little redundant. You could just as easily say "Today is the eleventh". Also the way you would type this is: "Today, 11/11 (or "the eleventh"), is celebrated..."

A slightly related critique to the above: Writers should choose to use either numerical figures or spell out the numbers they use. You don't really mix the two, but the narrative is more seamless without actual numbers in the text.

Two more instances of double spaces in the second paragraph. "... gifts today to celebrate..." and the beginning of the following sentence.

"Singleness" is kind of a goofy word, but not altogether incorrect to use here. If you're going for goofy, keep it. If you're going for something more meaningful, I would suggest "singularity".

"Funny enough" is typically "Funnily enough". Again you aren't totally incorrect here, it's just jarring.

"The ambiance on Tokyo's streets is vibrant." Is... well, has many errors about it. For one, you misspelled ambiance. Moreover it's almost completely unconnected with the idea the paragraph presents. You could tie it in properly, but as is, it just sort of sits there. What about the rest of the paragraph ties to the vibrancy of the streets? Why is it "Tokyo's streets" and not a more particular area within the Shinjuku district which you are talking about? After all, you've zoomed in on a spot, why zoom out?

Perhaps I just don't get drinking, or hotels, but why would the concierge of a hotel suggest the bar of a different hotel? Further more, this particular hotel does not have a rooftop bar. The actual indoor bar looks both insanely expensive and very elegant, this description is for your own reference and no other point.

The description of the lobby seems off. Simply saying it is "plush" does not say much other than it looks soft and comfortable. It actually looks: regal, posh (which you might have meant, and gives more depth to the character as it is the vernacular used by someone who is not wealthy), elegant, sharp, etc.

Note of reference: When using a real location describe it as it actually is using YOUR (or your characters) words. This makes the location both real and your own, while also providing depth of character seamlessly.

Comma after "the 52nd floor".

Two double spaces in paragraph three. "offers her" and "whiskey 'for...".

Period between "Japanese whiskey" and "'for relaxing times..."

I'm unfamiliar with this movie, and again, I don't drink. Do people, or does the character, call gin and tonic "G and T"? It seems very... emasculating if your character is male. As a writer I know that alcohol is an important cultural and aesthetic aspect and says A LOT about a character. So does how they order a drink.

You are describing what is specifically a "The Great Gatsby. Starring Leonardo DeCaprio, a movie made in 2013" party.

The term used to describe the manner of dress for women in this party is "Flapper". While there is nothing wrong with your description, it really does sound like your only experience with the era is from the aforementioned 2013 movie.

"My head spins." again is a hanging statement. It can be joined to sound more seamless by making it "rooftops is formidable, and my head is spinning."

Another double space "Points to a specific bar stool".

I don't doubt you at all, but I've never heard a recovered(recovering) alcoholic refer to the call to drink as a lost love.

Alfa male should be alpha male. Unless this is a European spelling, which I am not familiar with.

A dollar sign ($) goes before the dollar amount ($600). This sometimes missed by those outside of america as the euro and pound symbols (€ and £ respectively) go after the amount.

I see more double spaces, the rest are plentiful and easy to see upon reading.

The spacing between "... and I too turn away." and "My eyes settle on a cabinet..." is off.

The period after "So what?" is superfluous.

"High-voiced" is an odd description. Higher pitched might work better, maybe even tone. I won't argue semantics between pitch and tone, but "high-voiced" doesn't really work.


Overall, not a bad piece but littered with nit-picky errors. The ending message does feel a bit tacked on, but only because you didn't really start out with the idea "I have a drinking problem", or something like "addiction never goes away", or "I still find myself going to all the old places sometimes". Clearly you know more about drinking than I do, so you can ignore any picking at that.

As an added note, I hope you don't feel the need to "defend yourself" against this little critique as many tend to do. This isn't an attack. You asked for feedback, you got it. I'm not particularly invested, you're the only one that should benefit here.

[Philip Muls]

Many thanks for the critique. I will look into all your points.

[Philip Muls]

Again many thanks, I really appreciate your straightforwardness. It shows I need to do more research and also make it still more personal I guess. Question : do you think this type of storiy (and my others) has a chance of being published ? If yes, how to go about it ? Kind regards, Philip

[Outdated Account]

I could see this being published in a sort of auto-biographical set of short stories, and it could definitely work if the theme is mostly overcoming or dealing with addictive behavior. World travel stories are very appealing at the moment and if you have more like that, you have a decent shot after cleaning up some basic stuff.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks again. Should I be contacting magazines ? Or find an agent ?

[Outdated Account]

Depends on where you want to head. Magazines are a good way to get noticed by readers of a specific genre, but seeking out publication is also a good idea as people you get the attention of will be looking for something stand alone.
To be honest though I can't really help much in this regard as I've only been digitally published through amazon and other various sites. I wouldn't advise this (digital) type of publication for your style though.

[wordman]

a great story phillip,loved it !

[annalysiar]

Very relative and very...empathetic Which is something a reader needs. That they can reach you and you them is good on a story like this. Its refreshing and eye opening with topics such as this that need hope and support. Great job.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you annalysiar. May I ask what you mean by 'very relative' ? You mean depending on one's personal predispositions ?

[annalysiar]

Essentially. Its nice to read a story and feel like the writer sincerely relates to me and what I'm going through. Its nice to find someone who understands even if its through words.

[annalysiar]

Oh and you're welcome

[Kelly Scheppers]

Remember the old adage, "A man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, than the drink takes the man." You should be very proud of your sobriety, Philip!

[David Stein]

I have not gambled in over 7 years. There has been so many instances where temptation nearly got me gambling again. But, I just play the tape of the misery and pain I inflicted on myself and those I love. Alcoholism, compulsive gambling, and every other addiction has a common thread. It is all based upon an urge. That urge can either be given into or resisted.
You did well in not giving your life back to the urge. One thing. The urge for any addict will never be eliminated. It will just sit there, hopefully being strongly suppressed by going to meetings and working the steps. But, that urge will have to be accepted and lived with our entire lives. It's our curse.
But, look at how much better life is now. Sobriety is a miracle not to be squandered. Lucky

[Philip Muls]

Thanks David, we are aligned on this. And I know that gambling is right up there with drinking. Stay strong.

[David Stein]

I do. I know what happens if I don't.

[Philip Muls]

It took me 4 relapses before I emotionally knew and accepted.