Temptation

A twist in my sobriety

I have been in Asia for the better part of a month now and my flight back to Europe leaves at noon tomorrow. Anxious to go home, I find it impossible to sleep. It is 3 AM and I am strolling down Tokyo’s Shinjuku entertainment district. 

Today, the eleventh of the eleventh month of 2015, is celebrated in Asia as Bachelors’ Day. As the digit 1 resembles a stick, symbolizing someone who is alone, 11/11 is considered to be a lucky day for singles. On Alibaba, Asia’s answer to Amazon, bachelors have bought two hundred and fifty million Anti-Valentine’s gifts to celebrate their singleness. Funnily enough, many find each other on this special day and are henceforth no longer single. The streets are filled with couples, determined to paint the town red tonight.

An expat colleague has given me the address of a skyline bar at the Park Hyatt and I am now standing in front of the majestic high-rise, hesitating to go in. After some deliberation, I cross the imposing lobby and take the elevator up to the 52nd floor, straight into the glorious bar where Bill Murray first saw Scarlett Johansson in Coppola’s indie movie Lost in Translation. I have a soft spot for Scarlett and I imagine myself in the iconic scene right when he offers her a Suntory single malt Japanese whisky - For relaxing times, make it Suntory time -  and she teasingly orders a G and T instead, with that flair of feminine defiance that would become her signature expression.

The bar has a glitzy Gatsby theme going on with the women dressed flapper style with bobbed hair and dazzling short dresses. An elegant blonde in a flamboyant red Roaring Twenties dress is singing Lana Del Rey’s Young and Beautiful, accompanying herself on a white Baby Steinway. People are holding Vintage 1920 Prohibition Cocktails like Highballs and Old Fashions, Daiquiris and Side Cars. The girls wear feathers in their hair and smoke long cigarettes. The view outside over Tokyo’s rooftops is formidable and my head is spinning.

Before I can ask the bartender whether this really is the Lost in Translation cocktail lounge, he nods knowingly and points to a specific bar stool. I ask: “He or she ?” He answers with a tired smile: ”She”. 

I take the seat and order a Kirin Ice beer with a very exact 0.0% alcohol. I have been sober for 30 months and I consider myself sufficiently ruggedized to be trusted alone in a late-night Tokyo bar. Deep down, though, I feel the familiar sting in a place like this. Like an old love lost but not forgotten, it still eats at my core. It is not a coincidence I keep going back to waterholes like this.

Three pretty Japanese girls are entertaining a bunch of German businessmen at the far end of the bar, away from the party. The girls seem too beautiful to be true. I cannot help but wonder at this arrangement. On the surface, the men look like predators, Alpha males, in town to close the deal. The girls seem too young and outnumbered. A $600 Jeroboam of Louis Roederer Cristal  Champagne gets passed around and keeps them going.

On second glance, I realize that the girls are in the lead and the men eagerly take part in this universal game. Willing participants in an age-old ritual. The girls are flirting shamelessly, she-wolfs in their natural habitat.

The scene triggers ambiguity in me. Shame and fascination. Disapproval and attraction. But why should I care? The bartender is minding his own business and I too turn away.

My eyes settle on a cabinet with expensive cigars on display. Each cigar is wrapped individually with an impressive label that reads Caliber & Carat  in an elegant font. My mind connects dots which are not there. Caliber as in lethal weapon, Carat as in flawless diamond.

Or carat as in flawless girls and caliber as in character strength? What type of man would mess around with school girls (or, at least, that is the look the young women are going for) very late on a Thursday night? I wonder for a moment whether that type could be me under different, less sober circumstances.

I cannot help but let my gaze drift back to the scene with the girls and the Germans. One of the women looks straight at me while pulling the tie of one of the men. Her eyes dare me: “So what?”

I suddenly feel totally out of place and exposed as an imposter, as if the entry ticket to this bar is a real drink. An adult drink. Confused and with thoughts spiraling down into a familiar pattern, I pay for the fake beer that I did not touch. It occurs to me I am still a dry drunk, full of resentment and anger. This place eats at my resolve and I need to go. I put on my raincoat and leave in a hurry. The higher pitched broken English of the girls follows me into the corridor and resonates all the way down the elevator ride.

Outside, I walk briskly back to my own hotel feeling deeply sorry for myself.  And God knows that sorry is not a good place to be in, not if I want to make it to three years. It has started raining. I get soaked but do not mind. It feels appropriate, like a ritualistic cleansing.  

Back in my room, I am too agitated to go to bed. For more than an hour, I watch the stock ticker on CNN while my thoughts try to come to some conclusion.

What to make of this? I walked out of a tricky situation. This time. But what about next time? My moral compass may be pointing to the North but what does that buy me? And of course, the big question. In the final analysis, will I drink again?

I take deep breaths and slowly but surely come to stand on solid ground. I feel like I made it back from behind enemy lines. Back in the DMZ here in my room, I start to feel better about this whole thing. Temptation was a clear and  present danger tonight but it did not tip me over. Tomorrow I will feel stronger than ever. But I emotionally know that I came as close as I’ve gotten in a very long time. The realization hurts but feels good at the same time.

I am still and will always be like the moth circling the flame, unable to stay away from the brightest of lights. 

Author's Note

New version uploaded. Thank you all for your feedback!

Reviews

[Drcicarlo]

After the first few sentences I was hooked! This has been quite a fascinating read. Your strength to hold on to your power is astonishing-- simply because most folks could not last even a few minutes in such an environment with promiscuous temptations. Although it was clear before confession how difficult it was to retract from participating, I found it rather heroic that you saved yourself from utmost self-hatred. Finally, at the end when you wrapped your head around your actions and realized that you will become stronger I felt chills run down my spine. That is absolutely incredible. Thank you for sharing.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Erica

Kind regards Philip

[GONE]

This story flows very well, is well written and it kept my attention. It's certainly a story that I can relate to. "Dry drunk?" I've been there many times. I love the image of the moth circling the candle flame.

[Emily]

Very nice story!
Well done!!

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Emily.

[Aventicus]

Absolutely fascinating. It is quite interesting to see Temptation from the perspective of an adult. Temptation is everywhere, it appears in all sorts of configurations, and it gnaws at the hearts and minds of all who look upon it, beckoning them to come and taste of the sweet, dark drink it pours out upon its victims.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for the eloquent feedback.

[dan]

Congrats on 30 months! Trying to hang out in a bar, even drinking non-alcoholic beer, would not be my destination but if that's what helps you stay clean God bless you. I wish you continued sobriety and to keep embracing feeling well. take care...dan

[Philip Muls]

You are very right Dan that it was a clear overestimation to go to a bar alone. I really thought I had passed the stage that I could/would get into trouble. Thanks. Take care. Philip.

[RT]

What I love about your writing is that you pull me in. It doesn't matter if I have been in the same situation or not... You make the reader feel it. I see this as yet another piece of the story you are building... All linked...

The concrete details do your piece justice. That really gives anchor points so the reader is not trapped in the head of the narrator.

The little tiny grammar and words that the others pointed out already are the only things that I see wrong. And those are very minor. It amazes me that you write so fluently.

The only thing I might add - is whether you are cold and wet... That really stands out to me as a place to add another level of feeling to the piece.

Awesome job!!!

[Philip Muls]

Thank you RT for the kind and relevant feedback.

[Ruth]

When I read your writing, it transports me to a different time as though I am there...the warmth of such talent is a great skill when you can convey such to your reader :)

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Poppy Ruth. Glad it pleases you. Take care. Philip.

[Alexanda Corrin]

Again, I love your writing! A really good short story, I really love your progression from the start of the story to the end, you set the scene very well and let it flow from the topic of low and relationships to one mans relationship with alcohol. I very much like your descriptions of the emotions felt and the overall experience, I feel like I am not only with you in person, but that I could be you, experiencing the very emotions you feel. In that way this story is very engaging, I felt pulled along with the main character as he struggled with himself. Again, I really love the complete seamless change in scene, it's my favourite things bout this piece. How you went from musing about singles day to fighting with yourself over an addiction, very powerful. Sorry not to go into too much depth, it's a bit late... Early? I'm not sure, I'll just go with late.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Alexandra. It pleases me that you see a progression throughout the story. Sometimes I think I burden the reader too much with 'the narrative of me' though.

[Alexanda Corrin]

You're welcome! No worries, your story is really interesting to read about and you portray it amazingly well!

[Al R. Arce]

I truly enjoyed this read. It has an old detective novella flair to it.

[Bohrium Guy]

A good composition and look at reality for an addictive state. Good Job!

~Rob~

[Philip Muls]

Thankk you Rob, I appreciate the feedback.

[Nigel Newman]

Philip Hi. I'm at a loss to point out more than about 4 or 5 places where words that should be to gether seem to have been split in to two, like bar tender. That is the extent of my 'criticism'.

Stunningly well written, Sir. Top top notch. Great punch line. Beautifully painted. I'm in awe!!

Cheers
Nigel

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Nigel, much appreciated.

[Nigel Newman]

Recount - the only other one was businessmen.

Couple of tiny tiny Even Better Ifs or comments on things that jarred ever so slightly
- this reads so well in the present tense that it jarred to see 'an expat colleague gave ...' This could be rewritten as something like 'Armed with a recommendation from an expat colleague ....'
- She-wolfs? This might technically be more correct as she-wolves. That said, I think the hard 'F' sound works better than the softer VS, so I let it ride the first 2-3 times I read it. I noticed it first time, drew breath, moved on. So for me it jars fractionally but 'wolves' sounds less punchy. So ....?

I've just read WorryWrite's review and I can see the sense in many of the points. However, I think you may have edited the piece since then? I stand by my view that this flows very very well. However, I found WorryWrite's slew of micro micro changes fascinating in the sense that these are akin to brush strokes somewhere on a painting - at first they go unnoticed, but maybe their cumulative effect is to have folk walk past the picture in a gallery rather than stop and absorb.

My experience writing lyrics for my band is that things like authenticity, credibility, sincerity almost seep through a lyric even if sometimes the wording is clunky. Of course, in lyrics there is more scope for some kinds of grammatical latitude, but the key thing is this shining through like, if you will, the heart of the writing. Well this 'story', Philip, screams authenticity (as indeed is borne out by your responses to comments from former addicts), so a few questionably sub-optimal brush strokes here and there don't matter that much, it seems to me. It is a very very good piece of work!