Temptation

A twist in my sobriety

I have been in Asia for the better part of a month now and my flight back to Europe leaves at noon tomorrow. Anxious to go home, I find it impossible to sleep. It is 3 AM and I am strolling down Tokyo’s Shinjuku entertainment district. 

Today, the eleventh of the eleventh month of 2015, is celebrated in Asia as Bachelors’ Day. As the digit 1 resembles a stick, symbolizing someone who is alone, 11/11 is considered to be a lucky day for singles. On Alibaba, Asia’s answer to Amazon, bachelors have bought two hundred and fifty million Anti-Valentine’s gifts to celebrate their singleness. Funnily enough, many find each other on this special day and are henceforth no longer single. The streets are filled with couples, determined to paint the town red tonight.

An expat colleague has given me the address of a skyline bar at the Park Hyatt and I am now standing in front of the majestic high-rise, hesitating to go in. After some deliberation, I cross the imposing lobby and take the elevator up to the 52nd floor, straight into the glorious bar where Bill Murray first saw Scarlett Johansson in Coppola’s indie movie Lost in Translation. I have a soft spot for Scarlett and I imagine myself in the iconic scene right when he offers her a Suntory single malt Japanese whisky - For relaxing times, make it Suntory time -  and she teasingly orders a G and T instead, with that flair of feminine defiance that would become her signature expression.

The bar has a glitzy Gatsby theme going on with the women dressed flapper style with bobbed hair and dazzling short dresses. An elegant blonde in a flamboyant red Roaring Twenties dress is singing Lana Del Rey’s Young and Beautiful, accompanying herself on a white Baby Steinway. People are holding Vintage 1920 Prohibition Cocktails like Highballs and Old Fashions, Daiquiris and Side Cars. The girls wear feathers in their hair and smoke long cigarettes. The view outside over Tokyo’s rooftops is formidable and my head is spinning.

Before I can ask the bartender whether this really is the Lost in Translation cocktail lounge, he nods knowingly and points to a specific bar stool. I ask: “He or she ?” He answers with a tired smile: ”She”. 

I take the seat and order a Kirin Ice beer with a very exact 0.0% alcohol. I have been sober for 30 months and I consider myself sufficiently ruggedized to be trusted alone in a late-night Tokyo bar. Deep down, though, I feel the familiar sting in a place like this. Like an old love lost but not forgotten, it still eats at my core. It is not a coincidence I keep going back to waterholes like this.

Three pretty Japanese girls are entertaining a bunch of German businessmen at the far end of the bar, away from the party. The girls seem too beautiful to be true. I cannot help but wonder at this arrangement. On the surface, the men look like predators, Alpha males, in town to close the deal. The girls seem too young and outnumbered. A $600 Jeroboam of Louis Roederer Cristal  Champagne gets passed around and keeps them going.

On second glance, I realize that the girls are in the lead and the men eagerly take part in this universal game. Willing participants in an age-old ritual. The girls are flirting shamelessly, she-wolfs in their natural habitat.

The scene triggers ambiguity in me. Shame and fascination. Disapproval and attraction. But why should I care? The bartender is minding his own business and I too turn away.

My eyes settle on a cabinet with expensive cigars on display. Each cigar is wrapped individually with an impressive label that reads Caliber & Carat  in an elegant font. My mind connects dots which are not there. Caliber as in lethal weapon, Carat as in flawless diamond.

Or carat as in flawless girls and caliber as in character strength? What type of man would mess around with school girls (or, at least, that is the look the young women are going for) very late on a Thursday night? I wonder for a moment whether that type could be me under different, less sober circumstances.

I cannot help but let my gaze drift back to the scene with the girls and the Germans. One of the women looks straight at me while pulling the tie of one of the men. Her eyes dare me: “So what?”

I suddenly feel totally out of place and exposed as an imposter, as if the entry ticket to this bar is a real drink. An adult drink. Confused and with thoughts spiraling down into a familiar pattern, I pay for the fake beer that I did not touch. It occurs to me I am still a dry drunk, full of resentment and anger. This place eats at my resolve and I need to go. I put on my raincoat and leave in a hurry. The higher pitched broken English of the girls follows me into the corridor and resonates all the way down the elevator ride.

Outside, I walk briskly back to my own hotel feeling deeply sorry for myself.  And God knows that sorry is not a good place to be in, not if I want to make it to three years. It has started raining. I get soaked but do not mind. It feels appropriate, like a ritualistic cleansing.  

Back in my room, I am too agitated to go to bed. For more than an hour, I watch the stock ticker on CNN while my thoughts try to come to some conclusion.

What to make of this? I walked out of a tricky situation. This time. But what about next time? My moral compass may be pointing to the North but what does that buy me? And of course, the big question. In the final analysis, will I drink again?

I take deep breaths and slowly but surely come to stand on solid ground. I feel like I made it back from behind enemy lines. Back in the DMZ here in my room, I start to feel better about this whole thing. Temptation was a clear and  present danger tonight but it did not tip me over. Tomorrow I will feel stronger than ever. But I emotionally know that I came as close as I’ve gotten in a very long time. The realization hurts but feels good at the same time.

I am still and will always be like the moth circling the flame, unable to stay away from the brightest of lights. 

Author's Note

New version uploaded. Thank you all for your feedback!

Reviews

[Drcicarlo]

After the first few sentences I was hooked! This has been quite a fascinating read. Your strength to hold on to your power is astonishing-- simply because most folks could not last even a few minutes in such an environment with promiscuous temptations. Although it was clear before confession how difficult it was to retract from participating, I found it rather heroic that you saved yourself from utmost self-hatred. Finally, at the end when you wrapped your head around your actions and realized that you will become stronger I felt chills run down my spine. That is absolutely incredible. Thank you for sharing.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Erica

Kind regards Philip

[Samuel Dickens]

An interesting tale, and very well-written. The bars and nightlife in Japan are something hard to forget. My, do they like to splurge and go all out. Alcoholism can certainly ruin lives, so I hope it's no longer a problem for you. (Japanese beer tastes terrible, anyway)

[Ken Simm.]

Of a time and remarkably well observed. Multi layered in very many subtle ways that keep the reader enthralled througout. This story has a tempo and layers of evocative quality that keep the reader there with the protagonist. It is also no doubt autobiographical. (If not then I apologise). Almost elements of (dare I say it) film noir or Dashiell Hammett or latter day Raymond Chandler.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks Ken, I appreciate your kind and relevant feedback.

[William Gardner]

Everything desirable is bad for us, it's the human condition, well realized and drawn here. Thank you.

[Amber Lily]

This is some fantastic work right here! Throughout the whole story I could feel the struggle, even that far in it's still a challenge to stay away. I personally do not know a recovering drinker but I now feel like I know what they go through on a day to day basis.
Your words flow seamlessly together and the story is told in a clear manor. The execution is very well done.
Also, I personally adore Japan so reading a story taking place there was a real treat :)

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Amber, glad you could feel the struggle.

[Carbon Muse]

Nicely executed.

A strong message in my opinion, shedding light on the predicament that a young person face when they find what the real world is like ... That sudden realization that all is not well with the world. It shatters our beliefs and frame of reference and leaves us in a quandry. That sudden sense of being lost as it seems like the road markers of life has all but been destroyed.

Powerful writing indeed...

[R J Askew]

Great write mate, really enjoyed the read on a drab Tuesday in England.

I was engaged full on my 0.0. The zeros seemed stronger than words, denoting all manner of things.

I have never been to Tokyo and and am not generally bedazzled by what sky hight city buildings, bars n birds have to offer.

It was fascinating to watch you watching the old game in action though through the prism your piece.

I was quite pumped up by the end of it. I kept thinking 'no mate, that sorrow is not a bad thing'. Perhaps it is even a good thing in one's detachment from hedonistic materialism.

I'd recommend carrying a copy of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations on your next no pain, no pleasure trip to the flame.

That said, I know that booze does more damage even than crystal meth, even that. We just love it. I've sat in a bar and marvelled at the astonishing creativity that goes into the naming and designing of booze bottles and their labels. There was more variety to be seen than in a shoe shop for women.

Personally, I like a 3.8% English beer in a low-rise pub with beams n a fire - but only a couple of pints.

[Philip Muls]

Great feedback RJ, thanks !

[R J Askew]

My pleasure, will read more anon.

[Angelique]

This is a very nice written story, very engaging right to the very end. Your emotions and just every part of it is amazing you are a very talented writer

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Angelique!

[Troy Henson]

A well written story indeed. Well done. Well presented.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Troy

[Daisy]

great flow of the story.... and nice description.... great wok sir... wondeful

[papaed]

I enjoyed this Philip. I could feel the tension, the fantasy rearing an ugly tempting head, and then the pride when you realize you're past it for the moment. It does make you stronger. Your story style is close to mine and I tend to be critical of my own. I catch too much detail and delve into feelings and fantasy easily. It's good to read someone else that seems to be in that same place. Do you write, then go back through editing, chopping, and making the wording more concise?
When I quit smoking after 15 years of chain smoking, never liking filters, and liking the old heavy tobacco hand rolls, I carried a pack around with me for a year just to prove to myself I quit. I substituted things. Salty sunflower seeds filled my mouth until the salt broke out into little bloody sores. When I quit whisky, I kept a bottle of jack black in my truck for two years. Now, full circle, I can be around smoke without a problem and I even take an occasional hard drink without feeling addiction. Good story.
Question: Do they still have that theatre where the girls perform topless but with white panties? And men in leather jockstraps hang from the ceiling? It seemed bizarre when I was there in 1969.
Good read. Peace.

[Philip Muls]

Hi papaed, thanks for the constructive feedback. Yes, a lot of editing & chopping to make it more concise. Do you think this writing style is appealing ? Could it get published ?