Temptation

A twist in my sobriety

I have been in Asia for the better part of a month now and my flight back to Europe leaves at noon tomorrow. Anxious to go home, I find it impossible to sleep. It is 3 AM and I am strolling down Tokyo’s Shinjuku entertainment district. 

Today, the eleventh of the eleventh month of 2015, is celebrated in Asia as Bachelors’ Day. As the digit 1 resembles a stick, symbolizing someone who is alone, 11/11 is considered to be a lucky day for singles. On Alibaba, Asia’s answer to Amazon, bachelors have bought two hundred and fifty million Anti-Valentine’s gifts to celebrate their singleness. Funnily enough, many find each other on this special day and are henceforth no longer single. The streets are filled with couples, determined to paint the town red tonight.

An expat colleague has given me the address of a skyline bar at the Park Hyatt and I am now standing in front of the majestic high-rise, hesitating to go in. After some deliberation, I cross the imposing lobby and take the elevator up to the 52nd floor, straight into the glorious bar where Bill Murray first saw Scarlett Johansson in Coppola’s indie movie Lost in Translation. I have a soft spot for Scarlett and I imagine myself in the iconic scene right when he offers her a Suntory single malt Japanese whisky - For relaxing times, make it Suntory time -  and she teasingly orders a G and T instead, with that flair of feminine defiance that would become her signature expression.

The bar has a glitzy Gatsby theme going on with the women dressed flapper style with bobbed hair and dazzling short dresses. An elegant blonde in a flamboyant red Roaring Twenties dress is singing Lana Del Rey’s Young and Beautiful, accompanying herself on a white Baby Steinway. People are holding Vintage 1920 Prohibition Cocktails like Highballs and Old Fashions, Daiquiris and Side Cars. The girls wear feathers in their hair and smoke long cigarettes. The view outside over Tokyo’s rooftops is formidable and my head is spinning.

Before I can ask the bartender whether this really is the Lost in Translation cocktail lounge, he nods knowingly and points to a specific bar stool. I ask: “He or she ?” He answers with a tired smile: ”She”. 

I take the seat and order a Kirin Ice beer with a very exact 0.0% alcohol. I have been sober for 30 months and I consider myself sufficiently ruggedized to be trusted alone in a late-night Tokyo bar. Deep down, though, I feel the familiar sting in a place like this. Like an old love lost but not forgotten, it still eats at my core. It is not a coincidence I keep going back to waterholes like this.

Three pretty Japanese girls are entertaining a bunch of German businessmen at the far end of the bar, away from the party. The girls seem too beautiful to be true. I cannot help but wonder at this arrangement. On the surface, the men look like predators, Alpha males, in town to close the deal. The girls seem too young and outnumbered. A $600 Jeroboam of Louis Roederer Cristal  Champagne gets passed around and keeps them going.

On second glance, I realize that the girls are in the lead and the men eagerly take part in this universal game. Willing participants in an age-old ritual. The girls are flirting shamelessly, she-wolfs in their natural habitat.

The scene triggers ambiguity in me. Shame and fascination. Disapproval and attraction. But why should I care? The bartender is minding his own business and I too turn away.

My eyes settle on a cabinet with expensive cigars on display. Each cigar is wrapped individually with an impressive label that reads Caliber & Carat  in an elegant font. My mind connects dots which are not there. Caliber as in lethal weapon, Carat as in flawless diamond.

Or carat as in flawless girls and caliber as in character strength? What type of man would mess around with school girls (or, at least, that is the look the young women are going for) very late on a Thursday night? I wonder for a moment whether that type could be me under different, less sober circumstances.

I cannot help but let my gaze drift back to the scene with the girls and the Germans. One of the women looks straight at me while pulling the tie of one of the men. Her eyes dare me: “So what?”

I suddenly feel totally out of place and exposed as an imposter, as if the entry ticket to this bar is a real drink. An adult drink. Confused and with thoughts spiraling down into a familiar pattern, I pay for the fake beer that I did not touch. It occurs to me I am still a dry drunk, full of resentment and anger. This place eats at my resolve and I need to go. I put on my raincoat and leave in a hurry. The higher pitched broken English of the girls follows me into the corridor and resonates all the way down the elevator ride.

Outside, I walk briskly back to my own hotel feeling deeply sorry for myself.  And God knows that sorry is not a good place to be in, not if I want to make it to three years. It has started raining. I get soaked but do not mind. It feels appropriate, like a ritualistic cleansing.  

Back in my room, I am too agitated to go to bed. For more than an hour, I watch the stock ticker on CNN while my thoughts try to come to some conclusion.

What to make of this? I walked out of a tricky situation. This time. But what about next time? My moral compass may be pointing to the North but what does that buy me? And of course, the big question. In the final analysis, will I drink again?

I take deep breaths and slowly but surely come to stand on solid ground. I feel like I made it back from behind enemy lines. Back in the DMZ here in my room, I start to feel better about this whole thing. Temptation was a clear and  present danger tonight but it did not tip me over. Tomorrow I will feel stronger than ever. But I emotionally know that I came as close as I’ve gotten in a very long time. The realization hurts but feels good at the same time.

I am still and will always be like the moth circling the flame, unable to stay away from the brightest of lights. 

Author's Note

New version uploaded. Thank you all for your feedback!

Reviews

[Drcicarlo]

After the first few sentences I was hooked! This has been quite a fascinating read. Your strength to hold on to your power is astonishing-- simply because most folks could not last even a few minutes in such an environment with promiscuous temptations. Although it was clear before confession how difficult it was to retract from participating, I found it rather heroic that you saved yourself from utmost self-hatred. Finally, at the end when you wrapped your head around your actions and realized that you will become stronger I felt chills run down my spine. That is absolutely incredible. Thank you for sharing.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Erica

Kind regards Philip

[richy]

For relaxing times make it Suntory time! I love this reference. That movie always held a sentimental value to me. The imagery in this story is amazing. I wondered if you had written it in the bar or taken notes while there formulating this story. There is so much detail in this story. It reminded me of Tolkien but simpler and not as boring as i find some of his description to be. I found the great flow in your words from beginning to end and your battle with staying sober is a beautiful underbelly of your description of a specific time and place you alone were in. It made this story universal. Very inspiring and your realization in the hotel room was perfect. The mixed feelings on having survived and wondering still if you can survive your struggle. I really enjoyed this and i usually keep my reading on this site strictly to poetry. glad i didn't skip over this.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Richy. I wrote down the essence of the story while being in the actual bar. It is a place that inspires, especially when thinking of that movie made there.

[richy]

Truly jealous i didn't get to feel this first hand but It's become a memory of mine now!

[Avinash]

You acted according to your true nature. Missing a possible fun is better than having an inevitable guilt.

[TheChristianLoner]

Brilliant. I liked it. [I don't usually read, honestly.]

[Sophia]

Great work, the details made something unfamiliar feel relatable. That's talent. Also, I love Lost in Translation. Will have to think of this when I watch it from now on.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you Sophia

Also one of my favorites

Kind regards
Philip

[Sympathy Heart]

I love the insight into a culture I know very little about. Your description makes it seem as if I was there right beside you, and seeing the same things you are. Great job on this!

[Deanna M.]

I really liked this story. It draws a person into it with all the imagery. I actually feel like I'm watching this happen as I keep reading. Very well written!!

[Archos]

I really enjoyed this write. It was simply a ride. Nice job!

[gentlekindness]

The story drew me into the bar. I could hear the noise of the atmosphere and feel his awkward feeling. It was a good depiction of a man trying to keep sober and also someone is an atmosphere they do not belong in anymore.
Nicely done.
Annie 💃💕

[writing mojo]

This piece has many lathers that make way the senses in foreign land, which seem playable and enigmatically gathered like the setting. Speak easy satire in a place of honer and respect.. The point I am trying to make is, you bring the reader to this red sun fabric pressed into the psyche, yet show it's wrinkled by the same vices that bring us the strong to our knees..Glad you didn't take the drink. I write and read poetry, so this is my attempt at reviewing a story..excellent piece of writing in my book

[Chris]

The first para read with the flavor of a stage play story parameter set-up.

The writing was smooth but just felt "off" to me. I was thinking of an old Mickey Spillane Detective Thriller writing style but without the driving influence of action or intent that would pull me into the story. I liked the recognition of the she-wolves, was well done.

While it isn't flawed - as such - I wonder if I would want to turn the page to continue reading... I honestly don't know yet.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks for the straightforward feedback.

[Philip Muls]

The first para read with the flavor of a stage play story parameter set-up...what does that mean please ?

[Chris]

staging a play requires setting the stage - props, listing characters present, setting a scenery background/backdrop. Even down to lighting for the time of day and location... before the actor(s) ever appear(s).

[Philip Muls]

OK thanks. So you mean the paragraph feels mechanical, generic ?