Lovesick

Boy meets girl, a classic case of rejection

A week after my sixteenth birthday, I am sitting in a classroom with twenty-two other boys pretending to listen to a Latin teacher. Our minds are everywhere but here.

I for one cannot stop thinking about Connie. She is the reason for the lovesick state I have been in for weeks now.

She is the epitome of perfection to the sixteen-year-old me. She has hazel brown eyes and a classic face of beauty. She is wearing a navy school dress accentuating her figure. For a moment, it makes me wonder whether the school has intended this effect when making girls wear a uniform. With her hair in a boy cut, she is simply irresistible. I do not fight it, I am powerless. I recognize a higher force.

She walks with an air of carefree confidence, seemingly unaware of what she does to boys and men. With hindsight, that was a pretty naive thought on my part, I now know that she was aware of her powers. Pretending she wasn’t just made it perfect.

It starts with a smile.

Dexys Midnight Runners are playing their signature song Come on Eileen as a backdrop to the epic scene that follows. I am looking at Connie walking towards me along with two other girls all wearing winter jackets, woolen mittens and hats. She looks like an angel. She is laughing out loud because of something her friend said. Her gaze crosses mine and it seems to me that her smile is now directed straight at me. She simply says “Hi, don’t you just love this song ?”.

That’s it. That is all that happens. I am in awe.

Awe is called the eleventh emotion, beyond the basic ten known by science. Awe plays on the boundary between pleasure and fear, inspired by great beauty or the incomprehensible mystifying. It causes us to completely forget ourselves in a moment of great wonder, feeling the presence of something greater.

Yes, right on the mark. I am in awe.

And I am not equipped to deal with it. I manage to say a profound “Hi, yes I do” back at her and she gives me a coy glance that will stay with me forever. A few days later, I even ask her out in a burst of supreme confidence. She hesitates for a brief moment…

That moment lingers on in my eternity. It is a moment in which all is still possible and yet you feel that it is not you but fate that will prevail.

She said no.

Later in life, I learned how to see rejection as a useful step in the pursuit of victory. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that.

But back then, it took me apart. When it comes to drama, there’s nothing quite like unrequited love. For weeks I did not sleep or eat. It seemed to me that the meaning of life was found and instantly lost again.

If rejection hurts, rejection without a reason is a killer. It tortured me in the most intense way that she denied me the chance to  that one date. To my endless frustration, guys who were not paralyzed by her loveliness did manage to get on a date with her. And they did it in a casual way, nothing to it.

A lesson in love right there ! She needed a cool guy, a guy she had to fight for. Why did I not know that ? Why was this not genetically pre-arranged in my moves ? Why did all the males that preceded me let me go empty-handed to an unfair fight ?

Thinking back about it so many years later, it makes me wonder. Why was I in awe looking at her and not at other girls, who were in fact even more beautiful ? Why did her smile hold that much power over me, like I felt her sweet innocence was out of this world and I had to pursue her with everything I got?

Exquisitely painful as it was, I wouldn’t want to have missed it. This First Love which did not go beyond “Hi” and yet took on legendary proportions in my memory, inspired me to look for experiences that brought me the same feeling of bewilderment and wonder. But somehow, I never quite reached the same high octane level in my emotional fuel and probably never will.

By design it seems… you can only be truly lovesick once.

Author's Note

A new version is uploaded, thank you all for your comments!

Reviews

[Hal Matthews]

A couple really great things here Philip. That last line, killer. The moment she rejects him, devastating. You capture the feel and gut-wrenching anticipation and nervousness of this situation well. Where I think you're lacking, however, is exectution.

This story feels very "explanatory." A lot of extra stuff is included, but it doesn't feel like it's necessary. The extra long song quote, the explanation of the ten different kinds of emotions, the careful examination of the characters emotions in a "play-by-play" style throughout the story, it's all just a bit too much information. One of the things you do well is convey a lot with few words. When you write, "She said no," we feel the devastation the character feels because we've all been there, you don't need to explain every moment of it to us.

Again I'll say that your writing does an excellent job of resonating on a very human frequency, I just think it'd be so much more effective if you got the knife out and trimmed some of the fat away to give us a more healthy dose of the real-ness.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks Hal, I made some changes based upon your feedback. Kind regards, Philip

[Nila M.]

I really enjoy this narrative style of writing. I found it very well arranged and the story was told well. Lovesick, I think you're right and that we all experience that once in our growing years and it is like a trick of nature that you can't escape. It's funny how it almost doesn't matter who it is in retrospect. Love definitely becomes something very different with experience. This held my interest the entire time and like I said earlier I do appreciate this style of writing. The story resonates with everyone I would think. Well done, I look forward to more!

[Nila M.]

Ps. I'm very nostalgic and really enjoy reading about past experiences and recollections of feelings about them. So this type of write is just what I like to read.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for the encouraging words.

[Nila M.]

I wonder if you consider writing books? Or have written any?

[Philip Muls]

No, just starting. Very difficult in the beginning to 'calibrate' my writing, that is why I love the feedback, good and bad.

[Nila M.]

Well you definitely have a certain style. Calibrate is a great word because I would say that what you write is very clear and the words are concise. It's very direct I guess is how I would put it. But I mean that in a complimentary way because I really enjoy that style. My mind is Calibrated to that kind of expression. The reason I asked about books is because the common thread I see is that they read like chapters. Which is a good thing in my opinion. It's like seeing a very well told event from some bigger story. Your life for one thing. I think your strength is to be able to describe and experience in a very tangible way while also giving an emotional subtext to it.

[Nila M.]

I think one thing that speaks to that, is that in my experience it's difficult to get a lot of people to read longer pieces on this site. The amount of reads you have for pieces of this length is pretty impressive. And that's saying something.

[Philip Muls]

You make a very good point. It is as if I can only dare to write short pieces, very condensed. And I intend indeed to group them as chapters in a book of life. Most of it is autobiographical so I do not know yet how much of those chapters I have in me.

[Nila M.]

Telling the story of your life is a big thing. I don't think I would have it in me. But maybe as you go from story to story, it becomes something grand. The stories are good.

[Autumn Lyric]

"That moment lingers on in my eternity. It is a moment in which all is still possible and yet you feel that it is not you but fate that will prevail. " Excellent writing here. I love short stories that keep me involved to the end and this one read smoothly and was very entertaining. Look forward to reading more of your work...I just wanted to add that the emotional angst of love and rejection is very well felt in your story. The adventure of falling in love in hopes of possessing her only to get turned down is truly a lesson learned and strength retained from the experience. Kept you reaching for other goals in life. This reads well as a monologue or even a soliloquy. :)

[Philip Muls]

Thanks for relevant feedback. I welcome you to read my other stuff and I will read yours.

[JMKane117]

Oh man this brings back memories.... We'll played and written! :)

[Shawna]

Very nice story of this event. You captured wonderfully that adolescent moment we all have of pure crush. :) I enjoyed reading this.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks for the kind words Shawna.

[An owl on the moon]

Beautiful glimpses of love, and the desire that comes alive in the loving, as well as the bittersweet taste that is left when we only left wishing, wanting more. I could relate a little too well to your account.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks for the relevant and nice feedback.

[Ken Simm.]

I find myself disagreeing with some of the reviews here. Not about the quality of the write which is self evidentally excellent; but in the sometime arguement over style. I found myself liking the way it was written almost as much as the subject and the storyline. It is the musings of an older man about the thoughts of his youth and it does that job tremendously well. The inclusion of songs, the drifitng of the mind of memory colours the story very well. All I can say in conclusion is been there.... done that.... bought the tee shirt. More than once. I enjoyed this immensely.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks for the relevant feedback. I invite you to read my other stuff and I will read yours.

[A.marie.speaks]

I'm more a poetry reader so my critiques may not be useful but here goes! I loved the end point. I liked the questioning of why her, why was that love sick feeling for her. It made me think which is what I like most in a story. I do agree with the previous comments; that it was a little explanatory and play-by-playish but I didn't deter me from reading. I think it helped show how devastating rejection can be and how you must keep going on after. But the impact that moment made on your life was tremendous which opened up that questing of why. I really liked it.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for the reading and relevant feedback. I know it is a bit too much 'telling', I will work on that.

[Adrian Frederick Adam]

Very well written. I can imagine this happening to me. I felt the desperation for closure after the writer's failed attempt for a date. Love it!

[Philip Muls]

Thanks for the kind feedback.

[KLMazon]

You really do capture youth and crushes in this. I agree with Hal Matthews on what to tighten up, however if there is information that you feel would take away from the humanity of your work, keep it. Sometimes it is the fat that adds the humanity and sometimes it's a distraction. One trick I learned is to read my work over the phone to someone. The parts I tend to secretly skip while reading to them are the parts I know I need to cut.

[Philip Muls]

Thanks for the kind feedback and tips and tricks.

[L. Michelle Corp]

Yes I believe you can love someone without knowing them. I think there are two types of love--the kind a mentioned and the love that is a conscious choice you make everyday to respect and honor that person.

"Exquisitely painful"--perfectly put. It is a feeling of misery that one wants to wallow in.

I will tell you from my experience (as a woman, anyway) you can be lovesick many times.

I enjoyed reading your story, Philip. It has been inspiring for me.

[Philip Muls]

Glad it inspired you. Thanks for the relevant feedback.