Angst

My fight against my demons.

Christmas Day 2012.  I find myself swimming in the Caribbean Sea, an hour before dusk. I am wondering what will happen if it gets completely dark. I am pretty far out and nobody knows where I am.

Where I am is on Curacao, for a 30-day rehab at the Jellinek Retreat, a serious attempt at sobriety. This is typical of me, this coming to an exotic place to get sober. Believing that the tropical sun can take the pain away, looking for the path of least resistance. Paying a lot of money so the extra guilt will propel me forward. I am 276  hours sober now. But I am the only one counting. My fight, my demons. 

The water is surprisingly warm, causing sensory confusion in my brain which is absurdly visualizing a white Christmas.

While I am putting an ever wider distance between myself and the beach, it occurs to me that it is completely up to me whether I continue swimming to open sea or not. Nobody will tell me to turn around and swim back to shore. It makes me weary to think of this complete freedom to either live or die. I feel utterly alone and groundless, literally as well as metaphorically. Am I really unobserved? Is there nobody to stop me? I did not create myself, yet I am stuck with me. If I am part of the universe, why does it not care? I shiver despite the warmness of the water.

For some reason, I see Edvard Munch’s The Scream in my mind, the iconic painting of the hopeless figure grasping its cheeks in dread along a Norwegian fiord. I am guessing this pops up now because on the plane over, I read in the Wall Street Journal  that the painting has just been sold for 100M$ at Sotheby’s in London. While swimming, I get an image of a 15-year old me, looking at that painting for the very first time in art class, being explained by the teacher that it depicts existential fear. I remember her using the German word Angst to describe the emotion of the character in the picture. The younger me listening, fascinated both with that word and the art. I remember that evening looking up the word Angst and wondering what ‘intense inner turmoil’ meant really. 

I know my own mind, nothing is ever a coincidence. Angst perfectly describes the loneliness and frailty I feel here in the ocean. I feel more self-conscious than I want to be. I picture myself in a Google Maps kind of way, a small red dot in a vast blue body of water. A very mortal creature in a brutal cosmos.  

Not a new feeling. Since I was a boy, I have always been more aware of the absurdity of it all, like I was missing a basic map of the land. Surely there must be a point to all this? And that point cannot be me swimming on and then drowning? All my life, I have been waiting for an outside power to give me purpose. I have been roaming around, circling in a holding pattern above my life, looking down and observing myself. Counting down for real life to begin.  

Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself. I can create an essence out of my own existence. I realize that how I solve my inborn desire for meaning directly affects the quality of my life. I suddenly feel I am back in control. I will aim high, I will aim for the meaning of my life.

I feel a sudden exhilaration with this new insight, a surge of power from a center that was hidden and off-limits until this very moment. 

I decide to swim back to shore. It does not end here, not today. 

Author's Note

A new version v2 has been uploaded. Thanks for the feedback to you all!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A well-written and entertaining story.
"Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself."
I like the logic of the above lines. Made me wish to read more. Thank you for sharing the excellent short story.
Coyote

[Craig2591]

Very well written. I saw no errors. There is a lot of angst in this, but it ends with a note of hope. I liked it.

I saw this on the 'Recovery' contest, that I also entered.

[Leon C]

A really nice description of a moment of epiphany.

Anyone who has stood on the edge of the abyss will be able to empathise with your character.

You've done a good job of explaining their thoughts and motivation. Well done!

[L. Michelle Corp]

To begin, I like how you started the story; stranded in the water. I applaud your honesty here: "Believing that the sun can take the pain away, looking for the path of least resistance. Paying a lot of money so the extra guilt will propel me forward"

This is profound: " It makes me weary to think of this complete freedom to either live or die. I did not create myself, yet I am stuck with myself. Am I really unobserved ? Nobody to stop me ? I shiver despite the warmness of the water." Your life was literally in your hands, just like holding a loaded pistol. You shiver despite the warmness of the water? As I read, I wonder if it's the emotions or withdrawal.

I was invested in your plight while reading. I know you posted this story, so I know you're here... I think you SHOULD write a book/memoir. I would read it.

[Adeyna]

definitely well written sir and draws ones attention in wondering what he is going to think or do next sir ...very well done! :)

[SoberBunny]

I get the shipwrecked reference now :) I too, still struggle for a meaning in this ocean of chaos, and often thought of suicide as a means of asking the culprit Himself. I explore it in fiction and still feel purposeless most days, but I guess its not for us humans to truly grasp... I loved this piece and the imagery, especially the incorporation of angst and the scream and how the turmoil in that picture ties the ocean and your struggle together. fantastic work, i'd read the book if you wrote it :)

[Hal Matthews]

A compact examination of something that overwhelms us all.

Your use of analogy here is definitely on point. "The Scream," the idea of the character's mind as a defunct OS, using Google Maps to explore the concept of universal indifference. All very good.

This story falls short, however, in the places where you get in your own way. There is a lot of over-explanation in places where the reader could figure out what you were trying to say with a lot less, notably in the "Google Maps" passage. The point of those analogies, which is your strong suit, is to not have to explain them afterward. There is also a good deal of comma splicing that could be cleaned up (a sin I only notice because of how guilty of it I am).

All in all I feel like what you have here is strong, it just needs to be trimmed down, made lean, and more confident. The puzzle you're providing your readers is excellent, give them more opportunity to put the pieces together themselves.

[Devons]

There is a subtly editorial tone and style about this piece which makes a relatively inscrutable subject matter more palatable perhaps, more approachable to those who would normally shy away from it. It essentially touches only lightly on the 'inner turmoil' (which perhaps might scare the average person away) but then such things are individually relative. I think what this piece captures more closely is the dull horror of emptiness, searching for something - a meaning or truth, or whatever that mysterious, elusive answer of fulfilment actually is. That horror can be seen in the face of The Scream - emptiness, aimlessness, and meaninglessness are truly all horrors, for sure. Horrors. But reality.

[Bear]

You tell the story very well, it is engrossing and could easily be expanded on. Other than a few places where I felt a comma was misplaces I found nothing but wrong or questionable. As to the comma placement, I listened to your story on a text to speech program so I really got to enjoy the full richness of your story. So are you going to continue this story and if so are you going to do it like a running diary/journal?

[Amory Grey]

A remarkable piece, everything is vivid. I really like the fifth paragraph; overall everything dances marvelously. And again thank you for the review

[RT]

A really good piece. Honestly, it could stand alone as a short story or you can lengthen it. The writing is very strong and it is hard to find the wording that needs to be polished.

"It makes me weary to think of this complete freedom to either live or die."
This sentence stands out as awkward to me though. Weary? Why? The next sentences don't tell me why "weary".

But what I like the most about this piece is that it connects to all of us as humans and the angst we all feel... :)

[Philip Muls]

I am not a native English speaker, what I meant with weary was mentally tired...but maybe there is a better word ? Thanks for your review!

[RT]

You have a wonderful command of the English language. There are many writers that are native speakers that should be jealous of the beauty of your writing.

It could have been I was very tired when I read your piece and misread it ;)