Angst

My fight against my demons.

Christmas Day 2012.  I find myself swimming in the Caribbean Sea, an hour before dusk. I am wondering what will happen if it gets completely dark. I am pretty far out and nobody knows where I am.

Where I am is on Curacao, for a 30-day rehab at the Jellinek Retreat, a serious attempt at sobriety. This is typical of me, this coming to an exotic place to get sober. Believing that the tropical sun can take the pain away, looking for the path of least resistance. Paying a lot of money so the extra guilt will propel me forward. I am 276  hours sober now. But I am the only one counting. My fight, my demons. 

The water is surprisingly warm, causing sensory confusion in my brain which is absurdly visualizing a white Christmas.

While I am putting an ever wider distance between myself and the beach, it occurs to me that it is completely up to me whether I continue swimming to open sea or not. Nobody will tell me to turn around and swim back to shore. It makes me weary to think of this complete freedom to either live or die. I feel utterly alone and groundless, literally as well as metaphorically. Am I really unobserved? Is there nobody to stop me? I did not create myself, yet I am stuck with me. If I am part of the universe, why does it not care? I shiver despite the warmness of the water.

For some reason, I see Edvard Munch’s The Scream in my mind, the iconic painting of the hopeless figure grasping its cheeks in dread along a Norwegian fiord. I am guessing this pops up now because on the plane over, I read in the Wall Street Journal  that the painting has just been sold for 100M$ at Sotheby’s in London. While swimming, I get an image of a 15-year old me, looking at that painting for the very first time in art class, being explained by the teacher that it depicts existential fear. I remember her using the German word Angst to describe the emotion of the character in the picture. The younger me listening, fascinated both with that word and the art. I remember that evening looking up the word Angst and wondering what ‘intense inner turmoil’ meant really. 

I know my own mind, nothing is ever a coincidence. Angst perfectly describes the loneliness and frailty I feel here in the ocean. I feel more self-conscious than I want to be. I picture myself in a Google Maps kind of way, a small red dot in a vast blue body of water. A very mortal creature in a brutal cosmos.  

Not a new feeling. Since I was a boy, I have always been more aware of the absurdity of it all, like I was missing a basic map of the land. Surely there must be a point to all this? And that point cannot be me swimming on and then drowning? All my life, I have been waiting for an outside power to give me purpose. I have been roaming around, circling in a holding pattern above my life, looking down and observing myself. Counting down for real life to begin.  

Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself. I can create an essence out of my own existence. I realize that how I solve my inborn desire for meaning directly affects the quality of my life. I suddenly feel I am back in control. I will aim high, I will aim for the meaning of my life.

I feel a sudden exhilaration with this new insight, a surge of power from a center that was hidden and off-limits until this very moment. 

I decide to swim back to shore. It does not end here, not today. 

Author's Note

A new version v2 has been uploaded. Thanks for the feedback to you all!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A well-written and entertaining story.
"Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself."
I like the logic of the above lines. Made me wish to read more. Thank you for sharing the excellent short story.
Coyote

[Michelle Coleman]

This sort of writing is always so very vulnerable and I applaud your courage. A wonderful place to start, out at sea with the will to either live or die. I would like to hear more about your in depth search for self. Where you stated that you did not make yourself, especially. I do believe we create ourselves. Unconsciously or purposefully. We are in charge of this vessel we call life. Your statement in the end declaring your desire for life, for enlightenment is where it all begins anew.

[Owen Aldin]

Next time when someone asks me what Angst means, I will simply point them to this. It is written in a way that allows one not only to understand the turmoil, but also reflect on similar situations they have been in. I can imagine lots will relate to this in someway.

[SheIsMe]

This is beautiful. It's speaking to me directly. You have the ability to write so eloquently and its stunning to behold. I feel your mind being torn in two, wondering what choice to make. I have been there before also. I love the fact that you use the beauty of the place you are in as a driving force to get sober. Yet however beautiful your surroundings are, the water was tainted with thoughts and images, thus proving that nothing and nobody is perfect. I encourage you to write that book. I will be one of the first to purchase it. Be that red dot in the middle of all the blue. That means you stand out. That you are unique. That despite being surrounded by a vast open sea, be it water or people, you prevailed. You overcame. You win.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for the encouraging words!

[Nila M.]

Again, I really love your narrative style. These read like chapters from a book. I also appreciate that there are deep observations about life. These are subjects that I think people should ponder. I know that I do. I relate to the sobriety part particularly as when I was young I had a heroin habit that really took me into some dark places. I definitely found some metaphor in being out in the sea, alone. Sometimes it feels like that...

[Audrey Murray]

Philip the writing is beautiful , the choice of words, the pace of the story it has a strong beginning , middle and end and the reader feels a great sense of relief to arrive at the resolution and you turn back to shore with a purpose
The story appeals to me partly because you don't beat your reader over the head with the down and dirty and you take ownership of your angst and partly because it is such a unique method to run awayLOL

[A.marie.speaks]

I have been in these same circumstances and I really related to your story here. Classic theme of picking up and starting over, of hope for the better and personal strength. I think your writing style has an easy to read, flat out honesty about it. I liked the description of yourself as a Google maps icon, perfect. Comparing yourself to a shipwrecked swimmer was a great image and I'm sure so many can relate, metaphorically, to that moment.

[KLMazon]

" I picture myself in a Google Maps kind of way, as a small red dot in a vast blue body of water. A very mortal creature in a brutal universe. " This is, in my opinion, the focal sentence of this piece. I would suggest combining these two sentences into one powerful sentence since the meaning of the piece hinges on it. If it were for this small epiphany of how the man is seen in the universe, how he know sees himself, the rest would have stalled and his great realization would have faltered.
' I picture myself in a "Google Maps" kind of way as a small red dot in a vast blue body of water; a very mortal creature in a brutal universe. '

[Jennie Baron]

Compelling short story! It does exactly what a good short story should, because of course the decision to go on with life and create meaning from it, is only the beginning. And we can all relate to these themes, just as something in my poem resonated with you. Kudos on such intelligent and well thought out writing.

[Donald Meikle]

well read and facing life's daunts. It reads well and I'm sure captures more than me in its hard reality.

[Willard Wells]

I said I would read your work before i saw it was a story. From your work you understand brain restraints and one of mine is longer work, but as luck would have it your work was not to long and held my focus very well.

I am an addictive personality like you in some ways. I continually find myself at the edge and as I talk to myself I realize I have other options. Nice decision by the way. I might have missed your writing about it.