Angst

My fight against my demons.

Christmas Day 2012.  I find myself swimming in the Caribbean Sea, an hour before dusk. I am wondering what will happen if it gets completely dark. I am pretty far out and nobody knows where I am.

Where I am is on Curacao, for a 30-day rehab at the Jellinek Retreat, a serious attempt at sobriety. This is typical of me, this coming to an exotic place to get sober. Believing that the tropical sun can take the pain away, looking for the path of least resistance. Paying a lot of money so the extra guilt will propel me forward. I am 276  hours sober now. But I am the only one counting. My fight, my demons. 

The water is surprisingly warm, causing sensory confusion in my brain which is absurdly visualizing a white Christmas.

While I am putting an ever wider distance between myself and the beach, it occurs to me that it is completely up to me whether I continue swimming to open sea or not. Nobody will tell me to turn around and swim back to shore. It makes me weary to think of this complete freedom to either live or die. I feel utterly alone and groundless, literally as well as metaphorically. Am I really unobserved? Is there nobody to stop me? I did not create myself, yet I am stuck with me. If I am part of the universe, why does it not care? I shiver despite the warmness of the water.

For some reason, I see Edvard Munch’s The Scream in my mind, the iconic painting of the hopeless figure grasping its cheeks in dread along a Norwegian fiord. I am guessing this pops up now because on the plane over, I read in the Wall Street Journal  that the painting has just been sold for 100M$ at Sotheby’s in London. While swimming, I get an image of a 15-year old me, looking at that painting for the very first time in art class, being explained by the teacher that it depicts existential fear. I remember her using the German word Angst to describe the emotion of the character in the picture. The younger me listening, fascinated both with that word and the art. I remember that evening looking up the word Angst and wondering what ‘intense inner turmoil’ meant really. 

I know my own mind, nothing is ever a coincidence. Angst perfectly describes the loneliness and frailty I feel here in the ocean. I feel more self-conscious than I want to be. I picture myself in a Google Maps kind of way, a small red dot in a vast blue body of water. A very mortal creature in a brutal cosmos.  

Not a new feeling. Since I was a boy, I have always been more aware of the absurdity of it all, like I was missing a basic map of the land. Surely there must be a point to all this? And that point cannot be me swimming on and then drowning? All my life, I have been waiting for an outside power to give me purpose. I have been roaming around, circling in a holding pattern above my life, looking down and observing myself. Counting down for real life to begin.  

Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself. I can create an essence out of my own existence. I realize that how I solve my inborn desire for meaning directly affects the quality of my life. I suddenly feel I am back in control. I will aim high, I will aim for the meaning of my life.

I feel a sudden exhilaration with this new insight, a surge of power from a center that was hidden and off-limits until this very moment. 

I decide to swim back to shore. It does not end here, not today. 

Author's Note

A new version v2 has been uploaded. Thanks for the feedback to you all!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A well-written and entertaining story.
"Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself."
I like the logic of the above lines. Made me wish to read more. Thank you for sharing the excellent short story.
Coyote

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Life isn't always about sunshine and rainbows, happiness and smiles. It's also rife with turpitude, sadness, and tears. Good and bad, dark and light, God and Demon, up and down --- all walk hand-in-hand.

When crossing the river of life, one can only find his way across by drowning in it. He must be completely swallowed up by it and immerse himself within all its waves. Some will propel you forward; others will push you back. Fight against the resistance, become strengthened, and move further towards the shore. When you reach the other side, you can finally say, “Job well done;” and then just relax and float towards the destination that is you.

These pangs are stepping stones towards your future, and alcohol only seems to take away the pain. As a bruise only gets better with time, so does the soul. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Don’t deny the strength that feeling the pain can bring. With every day of sobriety, walk taller and stronger and prouder than the day before.

Thank you for sharing.

[Iris]

I really liked the way you described your feeling of frailty and freedom out in the sea. "The Scream" is a very good way to describe your angst and fear. The story is written very skilfully, good work.
You should write a book on your struggle to find meaning, so have you found the answer yet?
"Surely there must be a point to all this ? Surely that point is not me swimming on and then drowning, not after all I have been through ?"
There is meaning in life, and all you've been through is nor in vain, hopefully. I have read many stories of struggles quite like yours and it seems to me that they usually find peace in religion. Maybe you should look into that? If you do take my suggestion, look into all of them, don't leave any one out, and be objective. Something might just jump out at you.
Lastly, Why have you put 'absurdly' in quotation marks?

[Terry O'Leary]

A fascinating metaphor...
well told, absorbing... somewhat disturbing...
Bravo!!

[Mary Jonson]

An interesting way to weave together many threads of thought. Good job!

[Cherrie Palmer]

only humans tempt life this way, our pains and fears over shadow the gift that life is. On the flipside of the coin people are to busy and consumed with living to see those who have swan to far from shore.

Your story is well crafted and moves the reader forward, well done.

[ANTO]

Class piece Philip. I can relate on so many levels. I feel a kindred spirit penned this.
I can't say anymore.

[wordman]

a great story here,interesting and believable

[JMKane117]

This is a great story! I pictured the ocean as a metaphor that became more and more real as the story went on. I was very impressed with how you did that. I'm writing about an alcoholic and drug abusing character and this was highly insightful! Would love to read more about this :)

[Alisa Js]

Aloha Philip,

Thank you for your comments on my work. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by and comment.

This story was captivating and this reader wanted to read more, so I would encourage you to write the book...if one person can be helped, then it's worth it, don't you agree?

Your style of writing engages the reader, which is quite an important aspect.

Keep up the good work.

Alisa😱

[Autumn Lyric]

A bittersweet struggle and you are to be commended for taking this journey in life. Getting it all down in black and white is the beginning of your healing process. realization and acceptance and moving forward... a pleasure to read and look forward to reading more of your work...