Angst

My fight against my demons.

Christmas Day 2012.  I find myself swimming in the Caribbean Sea, an hour before dusk. I am wondering what will happen if it gets completely dark. I am pretty far out and nobody knows where I am.

Where I am is on Curacao, for a 30-day rehab at the Jellinek Retreat, a serious attempt at sobriety. This is typical of me, this coming to an exotic place to get sober. Believing that the tropical sun can take the pain away, looking for the path of least resistance. Paying a lot of money so the extra guilt will propel me forward. I am 276  hours sober now. But I am the only one counting. My fight, my demons. 

The water is surprisingly warm, causing sensory confusion in my brain which is absurdly visualizing a white Christmas.

While I am putting an ever wider distance between myself and the beach, it occurs to me that it is completely up to me whether I continue swimming to open sea or not. Nobody will tell me to turn around and swim back to shore. It makes me weary to think of this complete freedom to either live or die. I feel utterly alone and groundless, literally as well as metaphorically. Am I really unobserved? Is there nobody to stop me? I did not create myself, yet I am stuck with me. If I am part of the universe, why does it not care? I shiver despite the warmness of the water.

For some reason, I see Edvard Munch’s The Scream in my mind, the iconic painting of the hopeless figure grasping its cheeks in dread along a Norwegian fiord. I am guessing this pops up now because on the plane over, I read in the Wall Street Journal  that the painting has just been sold for 100M$ at Sotheby’s in London. While swimming, I get an image of a 15-year old me, looking at that painting for the very first time in art class, being explained by the teacher that it depicts existential fear. I remember her using the German word Angst to describe the emotion of the character in the picture. The younger me listening, fascinated both with that word and the art. I remember that evening looking up the word Angst and wondering what ‘intense inner turmoil’ meant really. 

I know my own mind, nothing is ever a coincidence. Angst perfectly describes the loneliness and frailty I feel here in the ocean. I feel more self-conscious than I want to be. I picture myself in a Google Maps kind of way, a small red dot in a vast blue body of water. A very mortal creature in a brutal cosmos.  

Not a new feeling. Since I was a boy, I have always been more aware of the absurdity of it all, like I was missing a basic map of the land. Surely there must be a point to all this? And that point cannot be me swimming on and then drowning? All my life, I have been waiting for an outside power to give me purpose. I have been roaming around, circling in a holding pattern above my life, looking down and observing myself. Counting down for real life to begin.  

Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself. I can create an essence out of my own existence. I realize that how I solve my inborn desire for meaning directly affects the quality of my life. I suddenly feel I am back in control. I will aim high, I will aim for the meaning of my life.

I feel a sudden exhilaration with this new insight, a surge of power from a center that was hidden and off-limits until this very moment. 

I decide to swim back to shore. It does not end here, not today. 

Author's Note

A new version v2 has been uploaded. Thanks for the feedback to you all!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A well-written and entertaining story.
"Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself."
I like the logic of the above lines. Made me wish to read more. Thank you for sharing the excellent short story.
Coyote

[Firebird]

Do I know you? This story has elements I can really relate to. Glad you aim to find meaning and start your real life. You are right that the quality of your life begins with you. Keep aiming high and find yourself in the process. Waiting for my real life to begin by Colin Hay is one of my favourite songs but it won't just happen, you have to make it happen.

[Jimmy Yetts]

An eloquent, well-crafted account.
Excellent!
My "religion"--should you care to know--has this simple statement as its foundation: Whatever brought me here, will get me through.
It goes without saying, Philip, I am this faith's only adherent.

[SleeplessVolcano]

You described anxiety so well in your piece.

I found this quote of Munch, which adds some perspective on the painting......even when we are confronted with beauty, or even success, the lenses over the eyes of our souls could color it to mean quite the opposite......

"I was walking down the road with two friends when the sun set; suddenly, the sky turned as red as blood. I stopped and leaned against the fence, feeling unspeakably tired. Tongues of fire and blood stretched over the bluish black fjord. My friends went on walking, while I lagged behind, shivering with fear. Then I heard the enormous infinite scream of nature."

[Helpmegetbetter]

The past is the best place to ponder. Be it good or bad thoughts, there is always something new. That's how we have epiphanies. We realize that we had the answer all along but it wasn't the right time to realize it before.

I like your writing. Its visual and has deep thoughts.

I suggest a little more description of the other surrondings and feelings. Describe the way body movements feel and the thoughts that are created because of them. Describe the smells and sounds, it'll add depth and complexity in the simplest ways.

Hope this helps ^ :)

[KWP]

epiphany in the great blue ocean .... ah if only it was that easy ....

good write - I am doing a writing course at the moment and I have been told not to use cliche's - so I am passing that onto you for free :)

[Beccy]

The visualisation is so very well portrayed; so well in fact, that I found myself swimming alongside the narrator.

So glad he made it back to shore.

Beccy.

[Einstein Noodle]

captivating start to finish .. an consummate optimist i am glad for the positive ending .... "existential fear" !!! now that is one to ponder ... like closing two points half the distance ... will they ever meet?! :) enjoyed the read ..love the "Scream"
E.

[Cryingkate]

Oh Dear,.......My Oh My !
I'm still debating whether this is a brilliant written reverse psychological write for the readers sake or a sincere, unaware, antidotal self- reflective-luminescent, intuitive write.

I see this starts by establishing,the subject as insecure.Lacking self trust. No confidence.
This blends well into the proceeding info given that he is struggling with alcoholism, a symptom of lack of control.
Nice weaving here about choices! We all have choices.
But here's the best of it all. This is the heart of the matter

"I did not create myself, yet I am stuck with myself"

The Keyword.... "Create" No we didn't create ourselves, However we do create for ourselves. We were all born creators and our choices big and small and tiniest create our life's journey.
The meaning of life, is found by whatever we choose to create it to be.
We have the choice to take control and be the creator we choose to be.
When we don't take control of ourselves then we are lost in the ocean insecure and searching for life's meaning. So many of us look for meaning outside ourselves rather then understanding that the meaning of life is from within our creativity.
Brilliant Write :-)