Angst

My fight against my demons.

Christmas Day 2012.  I find myself swimming in the Caribbean Sea, an hour before dusk. I am wondering what will happen if it gets completely dark. I am pretty far out and nobody knows where I am.

Where I am is on Curacao, for a 30-day rehab at the Jellinek Retreat, a serious attempt at sobriety. This is typical of me, this coming to an exotic place to get sober. Believing that the tropical sun can take the pain away, looking for the path of least resistance. Paying a lot of money so the extra guilt will propel me forward. I am 276  hours sober now. But I am the only one counting. My fight, my demons. 

The water is surprisingly warm, causing sensory confusion in my brain which is absurdly visualizing a white Christmas.

While I am putting an ever wider distance between myself and the beach, it occurs to me that it is completely up to me whether I continue swimming to open sea or not. Nobody will tell me to turn around and swim back to shore. It makes me weary to think of this complete freedom to either live or die. I feel utterly alone and groundless, literally as well as metaphorically. Am I really unobserved? Is there nobody to stop me? I did not create myself, yet I am stuck with me. If I am part of the universe, why does it not care? I shiver despite the warmness of the water.

For some reason, I see Edvard Munch’s The Scream in my mind, the iconic painting of the hopeless figure grasping its cheeks in dread along a Norwegian fiord. I am guessing this pops up now because on the plane over, I read in the Wall Street Journal  that the painting has just been sold for 100M$ at Sotheby’s in London. While swimming, I get an image of a 15-year old me, looking at that painting for the very first time in art class, being explained by the teacher that it depicts existential fear. I remember her using the German word Angst to describe the emotion of the character in the picture. The younger me listening, fascinated both with that word and the art. I remember that evening looking up the word Angst and wondering what ‘intense inner turmoil’ meant really. 

I know my own mind, nothing is ever a coincidence. Angst perfectly describes the loneliness and frailty I feel here in the ocean. I feel more self-conscious than I want to be. I picture myself in a Google Maps kind of way, a small red dot in a vast blue body of water. A very mortal creature in a brutal cosmos.  

Not a new feeling. Since I was a boy, I have always been more aware of the absurdity of it all, like I was missing a basic map of the land. Surely there must be a point to all this? And that point cannot be me swimming on and then drowning? All my life, I have been waiting for an outside power to give me purpose. I have been roaming around, circling in a holding pattern above my life, looking down and observing myself. Counting down for real life to begin.  

Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself. I can create an essence out of my own existence. I realize that how I solve my inborn desire for meaning directly affects the quality of my life. I suddenly feel I am back in control. I will aim high, I will aim for the meaning of my life.

I feel a sudden exhilaration with this new insight, a surge of power from a center that was hidden and off-limits until this very moment. 

I decide to swim back to shore. It does not end here, not today. 

Author's Note

A new version v2 has been uploaded. Thanks for the feedback to you all!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A well-written and entertaining story.
"Like a shipwrecked person, I am looking for something to hold on to. My mind’s eye sees a raft. If I have not come imprinted with the right Operating System, I can build one myself."
I like the logic of the above lines. Made me wish to read more. Thank you for sharing the excellent short story.
Coyote

[Dayran]

A powerful write Philip ... where power refers to an individual's will to engage the issues rather than look for an escape. And again ... power because ... it hints at the fondness we all have to manage our lives ourselves.

I'm not in the habit of creating suggestions ... to indecisive swimmers out in the sea. But I'm surprised that the event didn't remind you of ... Alice's ... ' when you're far out at sea ... away from this shore ... swim over to the other side.' That is of course metaphorical ... and your write's report of meeting with the lone self is indeed significant experience.

I offer one suggestion ... as friends on the same ship of discovery. ' All my life, I have been waiting for an outside power to give me purpose. I have been roaming around, circling in a holding pattern above my life, looking down and observing myself. Counting down for real life to begin.' I humbly submit that a person cannot be ... ' waiting for an outside power ' ... at the same time ... ' looking down and observing myself.' They are two persons.

It suggests that ... that's the person you are looking for. What may be needed is to discern your relations with him. Its a bit of ... father to son ... believer to God ... and so forth. But to occupy both as the same person ... would create a curious feeling of the lone self out at sea. That may be the ... new insight ... that brought you back to shore.

Remind me not to go swimming with you.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for deep and meaningful feedback Dayran, I need to reflect on this

[Motherless]

Is there anyone looking out for any of us? We like to believe so. We also like to believe we have the freedom to make the choices we choose to make, but is that reality? Did you 'choose' to go swimming in the Caribbean Sea or were you meant to because it's all a part of the master plan? You didn't 'choose' to discover "The loneliness and frailty I feel here in the ocean" and realize you are "A very mortal creature in a brutal cosmos." Did you 'choose' "To feel like a shipwrecked person" then "Feel a sudden exhilaration with this new insight, a surge of power from a center that was hidden and off-limits until this very moment." Did you 'choose' to swim back to shore, really?

[Philip Muls]

Very relevant questions you ask!

[1]

Brilliant story, vivid and interesting............

[barleygirl]

This story is very well written, with tons of imagery, plus a nice level of analytical observations, without dragging it down into cerebral hell, becuz of the high level of artistry thru-out. I love the way the train of thought meanders, but it all ties together into a cohesive whole. Thanks for sharing.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you for positive feedback

[Jason Endfield]

Very interesting read, so many universal feelings and anxieties that we all share and that you have crystallized in this account. I particularly like the line : "If I am part of the universe, why does it not care?" and to my mind the fact that you returned to shore means that perhaps really....it does...

[Philip Muls]

Thanks Jason. I think it is this feeling of 'you are on your own' that in the end gives the courage to go on. If you can handle the aloneness, the complete freedom to live or die, the lack of outward purpose and of course the inevitability of death, than you are gonna be just fine.

[.]

This is a very brilliant piece of writing, Philip. Just very well done.

Existentialism and angst. Things that we all have to deal with at some point in our lives.
We all need a purpose in life. It is very hard to find, and the form which It takes is for the most part, unknown.
All we can really do is keep searching. Keep fighting those demons. And hope for salvation.

I'm very impressed with this. Deep, meaningful and profound.
Great work.

[Philip Muls]

Thank you doodley. Glad it resonates with you.

[Adriancito Lupus Centen..]

This writing is close to the expressionism, so I mean; you can be Edvard Munch but holding a pen to write and not to paint. About to the feelings that have made this piece of history just remember a popular phrase: "The best is yet to come".

[Workvio]

Okay, you want my take? ... The first thing to me that makes any story flow is the pace ... Fast but not too fast ... And interesting and never boring ... This chapter or portion to the work you are striving to create has a good pace to it, never allowing the reader to lapse into any wonderment of what is about to happen so that they may continue on to see what is going to happen next, to end in promise of expectation of what is going to happen next there after ... I consider this a well written piece that has grabbed my attention from right now to the next right then ... Excellently done ... I do not do critiques in reviews but by email, but you will receive no email from me on this piece of excellent writing ... As any chapter, or even interconnected story (which I am partial to myself) one must really begin at the very beginning to know what is transpiring and why ... We may have to consider such an endeavor as worth the time invested in learning just where and why you are going from here ... Good writing and a pleasure to read ...

[Philip Muls]

Thanks again Marvin. I agree with what you say. I need to provide more context to what is transpiring and why if I ma somehow going to bundle the stories. My thinking now is it would be a book of travel stories (which I have plenty of experience with) in which I slowly but surely learn to know myself but end up with more questions than answers, because that is how life is.

[Workvio]

What I meant was that your writing is interesting enough to cause one to go to the very beginning and read on from there ... Which chapter is the beginning? ...

[Lydia Shutter]

When hard times enter our world, we have to deal with them. Using the ostrich theory does not work. "Intense inner turmoil"....I believe facing it and doing something about it is empowering. Yes, we are mortal....and being as such, we make mistakes. Correcting them and trying not to repeat them is the trick. Indeed, you can build your own life raft....and you must. Curacao is a fine place to go to release the demons that plague you....it is my favorite island in the Caribbean. A well written introspective piece. I enjoyed it. Lydi**

[MCS]

Good read. I've learned the hard way that one can't run from trouble or hard times...no place is ever far enough.