The Sandcastle

My first short story.

"Happy birthday Donald, my king" she whispered softly, leaning over to plant a warm kiss on his cheek. 

His eyes fluttered open and a broad smile creased his face.

"Thank you my Queen"

He sat up and adjusted his fluffy pillows.

"So what would you like to do today to celebrate your 80th Birthday?" Edna asked him.

"You know Edna", He said, with a twinkle in his eye, " I'd very much like to go to Wembury Bay, where we first met".

So that's what they did, in a sense.  Donald closed his eyes,  and after a few moments said 'I'm so glad my father took me to the beach that day...'

Donald was perched over a rock pool, feet firmly planted on two adjacent rocks. Armed  with his trusty net and bucket, he squinted against the sun seeking out his quarry. He spotted something, and slowly inched his net to the surface, but the creature quickly shuffled sideways under the safety of one of the rocks. 

   He stood up, wiped his brow and looked over once more at the pretty girl playing in the sand.  She had faint freckles across her small nose and cheeks, long ringlets of dark hair resting on her pink sun burnt shoulders. The tip of her tongue poked out and her eyebrows furrowed in concentration.  The pretty girl hadn't looked his way even once.

 

She patted the top of the upturned bucket with her plastic spade and carefully slid it upwards.  Revealing the final piece of her grand sandcastle.  Edna clapped her sandy hands together in triumph.  "Look mummy, look what I made!"  With her head turned away to seek her mother's approval, she didn't see the big boy stroll past and deliberately step through her precious creation. She turned back round and took in the ruins.  She looked up at the boy walking away, then back down at the broken pile of sand, then she burst in to tears.

    Observing from the rocks, Donald's heart broke.  He clenched his fists and muttered rude words under his breath. The boy was much bigger than him so all he could do was stand there and seethe.

Edna had finally stopped crying and her mother wiped away her tears. "come on honey, we'll go and buy you an ice cream"  Walking back down the beach with her ice cream melting over her hand she felt a little better but still upset.  She looked towards the scene of the crime and saw a  skinny boy with ruffled short blonde hair looking at her, beaming.  Beside him sat an exact replica of her sand castle.

She squealed and broke in to a run towards him.  She sat down next to him catching her breath.  "Thank you, thank you, thank you" She was ecstatic with joy. She then picked up two small pebbles and carefully placed them on the top of the sandcastle.  "That's you and me" she said "The king and Queen".  She pecked him gently on the cheek and giggled.

The nurse walked in to the hospital ward pushing a trolley full of bottles and small trays.

 "Time for your pain medication Donald". 

 She handed him some Morphine pills which he dutifully took with a sip of water. Once she had gone,  he removed the one he hadn't swallowed, dried it on the bed sheet, then handed it to Edna. "That's the final one" she said. "That will be enough now"

She took out a small wooden box from her handbag containing more of the same pills.

She held out the box in her frail trembling hand, and looked at her husband. Handsome as the day they had met.

 He looked back at her, briefly closing his eyes and gave a single nod.

She passed them to him one by one until they were all gone.

He took her hand. "Still love you Edna". 

"Still love you Donald.

He lay back and closed his eyes.

She sat there listening to the slow rasp of his breathing. The hospital room had faded to a pure white now. Nothing else existed  beyond this hospital bed. Just her and Donald.

When she could no longer hear his breathing she lifted her handbag back to her lap and took out her purse. She opened it and stared down at the contents. What Donald hadn't known was that before coming here today she had carefully divided the pills in two. These were for her.

Edna took out the first one, kissed Donald on the cheek one last time, and popped it in her mouth.

She blinked out a single tear.

"See you soon my King"

Author's Note

I'm brand new to writing so don't know the rules to paragraphs and correct layout etc. Hopefully this won't distract too much from the story.

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

If you are new to writing this is great work - well done. You've told a story of great love between this couple and got a great but sad ending. One thing I wasn't too sure about was - in the first para when they went back to the bay was he ill then? Did the final bit in the hospital happen later?
Excellent!
Alan

[Pete]

Thanks for the review :-) Maybe I didn't make it clear, I'm new to this. The scene at the beach was them reminiscing about how they met, many years ago, so yes he was young fit and healthy. The next scene at the hospital jumped back to the present where they're both frail and old.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks. I did wonder whether when they said they were going back and they did, it was in their imagination. Would you like to read my story 'between heaven and earth'.
Thanks. Alan

[Pete]

Yes I will do :-)

[Rei Cn]

Color me impressed. I didn't expect that this is a work of a beginner. :) I especially love the flashback part, because it showed how their love started so pure and innocent. To be honest though, I am not much of a fan of the ending. I'm​ okay with sad endings, don't get me wrong; it's just that I couldn't really agree with Edna's decision here. A personal preference, so don't think too much about it, and I understand that you were trying to show her ultimate love for him, which may be the whole point of this story.

On a technical area, you could have put the flashback in bold letter or italics, to avoid confusion. I personally prefer the italics because it seems neater; but when it comes to your works, it's really up to you. Haha :D Or you could have used different verb tense on those two different timelines.

Overall, this work is nice. Thank you for entering my contest, and CONGRATS! :)

[Pete]

Thanks. Yeah I agree the flashback would be more apparent if the text style was different. Some people were confused by it. I know the ending is extreme but it does happen, and I'm happy with it because it made some people cry :-)

[Michele Harman]

This is really good for someone who is brand new to writing. I loved the ending it left me in tears. I was a little unclear if they actually went to the beach or if it was a memory so you may want some clarification there.

[Pete]

Thanks for taking the time to review this. It's actually my first attempt at writing anything ever. So if it left you in tears I must have done ok :-) A few people, including you, have said it was a bit confusing at the beginning now. So I'll add something to make it more apparent. Thanks.

[InkStain]

This is a great love story. It was a bit confusing at the very beginning, but I like how it all came together.

[Savannah Giovanna]

The ultimate love story... so touching. This moved me to tears.