Smile

They called me a creeper back when I was a kid.
I totally knew why but I tried to keep it under my lid.
I remember the looks of how they didnt seem to understand,
Why a little kid like me had to smile so creepily.

I was going to rhyme and make this a poem, but now I see that wont work cause I just cant do justice of this topic so close to my heart while struggling with the confines of a poem. I guess it just wasnt meant to be for this particular telling or maybe I'll try later.

People always gave me second looks when I walked with my mother through stores or wandered around our neighborhood alone. It was because of my smile.

I have a natural good smile that came with being a kid, but thats not the one I showed to others.

A big part of me wanted to scare them all away so I grinned as evilly as I could. After seeing how they reacted and avoided me I felt accomplished and stronger. Stronger than I had been on that fateful day when I could do nothing to stop the people hurting me.

I remember my mother telling me I was always a quiet little boy who read books and played with LEGO bricks, but I enjoyed making friends as much as anyone, but we never had much of a chance since I didnt go to school.

We lived in a small town of 20,000 or less and mostly everyone knew everyone in their neighborhoods. Low crime rate and lots of beautiful scenery and weather all year round for all the athletic people.

But I find now that the places that seem peaceful and good are often just masks covering the tracks of the pure evil in heart and mind.

And that is why I grinned so evilly. I wanted to scare away those monsters that hurt me and my sister. I wanted to be stronger than my weak little kid arms and be mightier than my weak little kid body. I wanted to be able to stop bad things from happening.

If people were scared of me then they would stay away from me. It might be lonely but it was effective and so I continued to smile wickedly, until one day....when I realized that pretending to be more evil than the monsters in my world could cause me to be a little evil too.

Its just like toying with power you dont know how to control.
Like playing with a fire...and oh the fires I made.

Author's Note

I just wrote it without editing or really any goal other than starting to get out the many stories of my past.

Reviews

[Yellow Butterfly]

The hidden connotation alone in this poem screams loud and clear in your chosen title for this heartfelt write. Switching from poem to story allowed you to write more freely about the atrocities that happened.
One can not imagine what goes through a child's mind when something as such as abuse happens to them. To know a child has been rendered speechless and powerless unable tell someone what's happening..is heartbreaking.

The smile portrayed in this commendable write was somehow in hindsight a way of hoping someone would see through it.


It's hard to edit pain...

Brave and once again a commendable write

YB

[Tim Piotrowicz]

thank you for taking the time to read it and write a review!

[olla]

this one.. reached in and grabbed my heart.. there is no easy way to tell our stories.. but the truth has a poetry all of it's own.. and when a heart speaks.. the soul listens..

[Tim Piotrowicz]

you picked my favorite thing I've posted. Thank you for checking out a piece of my writing, that means a lot to me, especially if you are as old as you say you are. My heart will continue to speak, and someday I will find the soul that wants nothing more to listen to me and connect with me. Evil and all.

[captain]

ahh, a true story comes very close to your heart. The words fell in free flow. As a little child as he/she grows, you'll able to learned that monsters are not just under your bed but in reality they are hiding in shining smiles. I think at the early stages of your growing up you've learned how people lives goes in many lies. You've grow up to have seen the cruel reality in some cases. This short story is really sad and very well expressed.

[Gem]

You pulled me right into the story. It was captivating and scary. It feels like the intro into a long novel, but your synopsis sounds like this wasn't fiction - which makes it even scarier and sadder.

[Tim Piotrowicz]

thank you for your kind review. it is written account of true events.

[Quill~]

I found your free flowing thoughts to be endearing and sad. You made me want to wrap my arms around that little kid and tell him everything will be alright. We all have a defense mechanism...yours was a wicked smile, (a wall of defense that kept people away).
With a little tweaking this could flourish into a book. Good story. :)

[Tim Piotrowicz]

wow thank you for the encouraging words! I have often considered writing out my past into a memoir or something that might offer hope to other victims of abuse, but I always figured it would hurt too much to try to write it all out. You're right the title doesnt really fit that well for something I would want to go anywhere with. I will consider your thoughts and I appreciate your review!