27. Accidental Exposure

A Chapter by Peter Rogerson

Slowly it seems things might start coming together...

Father Teatrader had a lovely middle-aged woman draped over one arm and she was smiling at him as if he was some kind of deity as he approached spot where the Reverend Barney and Emma were trying to sort out the inside of his mind.

“I was hoping you hadn’t gone yet,” the Father said, “it’s a lovely place this with so many corners for you to discover, and we didn’t even get to see the library! There are some truly ancient tomes in there, hand-written copies of the gospels in English that is so hard to make any sense of because the monks who spent their lives writing and decorating them were doing so illegally and under threat of excommunication should they be discovered at their work. The church back then, was the Catholic church, you know. We’re talking about before the English church was even dreamed of, and the church of Rome didn’t like the idea of the holy book being available to any Tom, Dick or harry if they could read it in their own language. Not that I’m suggesting that the names Tom, Dick or Harry were popular forenames in common use back then, of course.

“But let me introduce you to Mother Nurse, here.” He indicated trhe woman who was watching him closely from her position on his arm, a look of amusement on her face as she smiled, “She is my special friend and worth a thousand boring old monks, I can tell you,” he added warmly

“He understates my usefulness,” smiled she introduced as Mother Nurse, “I was a trained nurse until I came here because of a weak heart. My vicar arranged it for me. The atmosphere here is so healthy that I joined the staff, so to speak, and stayed. I function as the chief medic, dealing with the myriad little ailments that afflict lonely men who are deprived by their vows of a normal life. I had another name back in my working years, I was Nurse Edith Portman.”

“But now, Edith, we’d better not go jnto too much detail about the help you give my own pounding heart!” smiled Father Teatrader, and he actually giggled. “But tell me, Reverend Pickle, have you resolved the confusion in your heart? I was aware that your spirits were low and your faith suffering as a consequence.”

Barney shook his head. “I was made to believe many things that may prove to have been wrong,” he replied carefully, “because the truth of the matter is my own father forced what I’ve learned from him and is misinformation, into my stupid head. Everything to do with what I believe is the reproduction of our species was lambasted by him, turned into the foulest of sins punished by an eternity in Hell with fires endlessly washing over me. Even if I happened to scratch my own intimate parts due to an itch, it earned me, as a boy, what others might call cruel punishment, though I took it for what it was, a hammer to knock in a blunt nail, so to speak.”

“You poor man,” breathed Mother Nurse.

“I am caring for him,” put in Emma stoutly, “and I don’t want it to sound at all pretentious of me because he’s a man I’ve respected Barney since my late husband passed away, and even worked at his parsonage on very little pay just to be able to spend some time with him. But I have plans to help him regain a more balanced view of life. He’s a man who needs a woman to guide him.”

“This hulk of a Teatrader needs very much the same thing,” smiled Mother Nurse, “especially with regard to his trousers…”

“Now don’t start that!” protested the Father, “I wear this robe because it’s part of history and, truth to tell, it’s comfortable. Much more comfortable than the garment you mentioned. Trousers. Pah!

“Listen to him, giggled Mother Nurse, “but the truth is, underneath that robe of his he’s got on a pair of ordinary trousers! And under them… well, it would be telling…”

“That’s quite enough!” barked the embarrassed Father Teatrader, “now, Reverend, I’ve an idea: you return to your room here and pretend that the door that leads to the room provided for Mrs Dresden is part of it, move as freely as you care between the two rooms and if only one bed is used by the two of you it would all be for the good.”

“But what of sin?” almost exploded Barney, “what of my secret parts being open to view by… by... by… Emma, the lovely Emma?”

“Fiddlesticks! There’s no sin in that!” laughed Mother Nurse, “is there, Father Toyboy?”

It was time for Father Teatrader to change the subject. He had flushed at the use of Toyboy as a nickname, though it gave the impression that he didn’t disapprove of it rather than wish to keep it a secret between himself and the teasing woman.

“Anyway, Reverend, I have some news for you. We will be having another guest shortly. It would seem that a young scallywag had an argument with your Bishop’s automobile, and the lad came off the worse. In fact, the Bishop said his car didn’t even get a scratch on it! But the lad received a knock to his head that is causing the hospital doctors some trouble, and the Bishop has decided that he may be better off here where Mother Nurse can give him proper attention and it is always quiet,”

“Not he bank robber?” sighed Barney.

“His name is Gozza Scumbag I believe, and he needs a great deal of rest and maybe the odd glass of good wine in order to recuperate.” explained the Father. “You see, we are known by ourselves as the Order of the Onion, and that is because there are countless layers to our understanding when it comes to human nature.”

But Barney remained mute as an image of prison doors clanging and a brutish cellmate flashed through his mind, and all because the Scumbag boys had decided to see if a picture of shotgun would look threatening enough to cause bank staff to hand over their piles of money.

And as such thoughts engulfed him a dark cloud washed over him coming from nowhere, and he slowly, almost theatrically, collapsed to the floor while the other three stared at him in horror, open mouthed.

For some reason his trouser flies were undone and his most private and unnecessarily embarrassing part was accidentally persuaded to become available for all to see. How his late father would have exploded.