20. The Big Black Car

The Scumbag boys seem to come to a rather unpleasant end... or do they?

A thousand and one questions raced through Barnaby’s mind as he fought against a physical rebellion and went to open the door and face his inquisitor.

“Father Tea… teatrader,” he stammered when he saw how anxious the holy man in charge of Cowslip Retreat was..

Does he know of my sins? he asked himself, that I spent half this very night in the same bed as one of our great-great-I-don’t-know-how many-greats-grandmother’s daughters? And that there was a sinful proximity between her flesh and mine? Will he cast us both from this place and report the incident to the Bishop? And will that be the end of my life as a clergyman in Brumpton? Will I end up back in Brumpton gaol until I die?

And there were other thoughts, all deciding that as sinners might go in the world then he must surely be one of the worst.

And the look that the Father of Cowslip Monastery gave him contributed to his fears, because Father Teatrader was confused by the guilt shining from Barnaby’s eyes as he looked desperately around, searching for a logical and honest explanation for what he saw as his own life being inexcusable and tainted by the deepest of evils.

He had, after all, slept with a woman, and he was unmarried! No, worse than that, she was a widow and probably would go berserk if she contemplated marrying him! But she had climbed into his bed and he hadn’t pushed her off but merely turned over and closed his eyes, and here was the sin, passed into a comfortable sleep.

And Father Cowslip or whatever he was called would know everything the moment he caught a glimpse of that shiny pink nightie, or would think he did, though in truth there was nothing for him to know, but, and here was the confusion, he didn’t know that...

Then Emma joined him at the door and smiled at the Cowslip holy father, a bright, cheerful and gorgeous smile.

Even Barnaby thought that, though his heart froze inside him when he saw that all his searches for excuses would mean absolutely nothing now that the holiest of holy men could see her in her pink and temptingly shiny nightdress and the author of his sin.

“Why greetings this joyful morning!” smiled Father Teatrader, “Mrs Dresden, if I remember your name correctly. A city I love, is Dresden, for I spent some time there some years back, before I joined this ministry and when I traded tea in packets and bags with thirsty Germans. I believe that I have Germanic ancestry in my family line.”

“I wanted to go there when I was younger, but Ralph, that’s my late husband, may the Lord love him, promised he would take me when he had enough money for the tickets, but the poor man never did have riches like that,”

“My dear lady!” exclaimed the Father, that must be put right sooner rather than later! I will discuss matters with your Bishop and see if a time can be found for the Reverend Pickle to take you tot he shining city of Dresden for a wek or maybe three. Yes, I will do that, and I have access to funds for such socially acceptable voyages.”

“But…” stammered Barney, his confusion almost at breaking point, “Mrs Dresden is a lady, a woman, and I am a male. Is it not improper for us to journey together and maybe find ourselves in an intimate position during hours of darkness? For her husband is with our Lord and I am unwed and yet aware of the deep evil that such sin brings forth.”

Father Teatrader smiled at him. “My dear Reverend Pickle,” he said, “surely you don’t believe all that nonsense? Rules for life put about by the early church in Rome along with the celibacy of their priests? There are records of popes that were far from celibate, you know, and I can’t think of one reason why a man and a woman can’t share the same portion of Mother Earth whether they be married or not!”

Once again Barney was lost for words and merely stood there, his head hanging and doing absolutely nothing to stop her when Emma reached for one of his hands and held it, gently squeezing the fingers with a message of affection.

Meanwhile, there was law-enforcing activity in Brumpton because questions needed to be asked of two teenage lads, the Scumbag brothers, and they couldn’t be found anywhere. The strange thing was, they had been given a lift home following the death of their grandmother. After a great deal of grumbling about having to taxi louts around on his day off, Constable Whiting had reluctantly accepted that if he was told to do something, then do it he had to do. So Jed and Gozza Scumbag were escorted home and dropped off at the address they gave to Constable Whiting. But par for the course in a saga in which nothing is what it at first seems to be, they gave him a wrong address, that of a family that had moved out of their home on account of the roof collapsing and opening all three bedrooms to both piles of rubble and the elements. But Constable Whiting failed to look up and notice that the house was almost tumbling down, all he wanted to do was expel the youngsters from his car and get back home to his wife, who had promised him a steak and kidney pie with chips, gravy and maybe mushy peas on his return home.

The two youngsters watched him drive off.

“He’s a knob-head,” smirked Gozza.

“Right on, he is,” grinned Jed. “Let’s go and rob the bank!”

“the vicar won’t be there to take the blame,” pointed out Gozza with a jolly laugh.

“More’s the shame!!” laughed Jed, “or we could be extra crafty an’ wise and’ rob the church instead!”

“And, what was it Pickle used to say at Sunday School when we were nippers?” asked Gozza, “do you remember Bruv?”

“About hell fire,” smiled Jed, “about being burned by flames that go on an’ on an’ on for ever.

“But we’d be dead, but it wouldn’t matter,” pointed out Gozza.

“And there’d be nobody to peep up our shorts like he said sinners would,” murmured Jed thoughtfully.

“Old Pickle had a thing about shorts,” sighed Gozza.

“Dirty old man!” sniffed Jed.

“Pervert!” agreed Gozza.

And the two lads shuffled off towards the parsonage, careless of what may lie in front of them in the indefinite future of Heaven or Hell, which was a rather silly thing for them to do because at the precise moment when Jed leapt on his brother’s back in a teasing lunge made of absolute fun something black and shiny, driven by a Bishop after a lunch in which whisky featured prominently, ploughed into the two of them.

© Peter Rogerson 21.04,24