12. No Hanky Panky

The Bishop has decided that our reverend Pickle needs a holiday

“Sometimes I wonder how bank managers actually think” growled DI Ian Glumpy, “I mean, it’s almost as if the fellow’s inviting to be robbed.”

“Mr Warmblood, you mean?” asked DC Dedbeat, “I thought he was a half way decent bloke, the way he pointed out just how guilty that Reverend was.”

“But he wasn’t!” growled his DI, “haven’t you got that into your head yet?”

“What?” asked a confused Dedbeat, “you mean the bank manager got it wrong?”

“No, lad, but you did. You let a couple of lads after a bit of fun go free when they should have been at least cautioned about leaping into Mr Warmblood’s bank and pretending to want to rob it.”

“The Scumbag boys? They weren’t doing anything, sir, just a couple of tykes after a laugh!

“Armed with an illustration of a dangerous weapon and a rolling pin? It’s my opinion, Dedbeat, that they had every intention of bashing someone over the head if it served their purpose, which it didn’t because the Manager and the only teller on dury were in an inner office and the only other person there was the local vicar who was skint.”

DC Dedbeat frowned and looked cofuse d“So everything’s turned out fair to good then, sir?” he suggested.

“No it hasn’t! We wanted the Scumbag brothers so have their day in court with the possibility of a hefty fine on the plate, or even a visit to Brumpton gaol, but now the darned manager doesn’t want it to go any further. Apparently he’s had orders from above that don’t want the good name of Bugle Bank to be harmed any more than it already has been. They’ve had enough of a problem when the Reverend Barney Pickle was ordered to gaol. For two lads not so long out of school to be accused of holding a bank up with a drawing and a rolling pin wouldn’t sit well when it’s shareholders who mightdecide to desert the organisation.”

“So everything’s turned out sort of ok then, sir?” grinned the DC.

“Not it darned well hasn’t! What we’ve got is a small army of thugs who reckon they can get away with anything that crosses their perverted little minds and a vicar who’s on the brink of a nervous, breakdown and it isn’t a joking matter!”

“But I wasn’t joking, sir…”

“Maybe not, Dedbeat, but you’d best keep a straight face when the super wants to see you.”

“You think he will sir?” asked a suddenly worried DC.

”The most certainly will. And he’s had the mouth of the Bishop in his ear and he wasn’t happy at what that gentleman had to say.”

Meanwhile, half a mile away in the Saint Jude’s parsonage the Reverend Barney Pickle was attending to the opinions of that same Bishop who had been offered (and received a cup of tea into which he had splashed a few drops of golden liquid that he kept in a flask in an inside pocket. Mrs Emily Dresden had made the tea (it’s doubtful that the vicar was in the right mind to produce it and whether the Bishop actually knew how to.)

“It’s been a rotten experience for you, Pickle,” he boomed, “and it’s a good job the lady who made this excellent cup of tea was prepared to speak up on your behalf”

“She’s an angel in disguise, sir,” agreed Barney.

“Really, Pickle? Disguised as what?

“A cleaning lady sir…”

“That’s offensive, Pickle! She’s always was a lot more than a mere cleaning lady!

“She is, sir?”

“She cooks for you. That’s important in the eyes of our Lord, keeping body and soul together with nourishing comestibles!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Anyway, seeing that you’re in a bad state, Pickle, I want you to take a holiday. You need a break after the experience you’ve had, being locked away with Brumpton’s hardest nut-cases. So I’ve arranged for two rooms at the Cowslip Retreat run by the Order of the Onion. You’re lucky to get in there, you really are, and for two whole weeks no less! It’s the busy season and I had to make certain promises of a pecuniary nature. One that I don’t like to make unless it’s absolutely necessary..”

“Two rooms, sir?”

“Yes, Pickle. I’ve discussed your needs with Mrs Dresden and she’s agreed to go with you and take care of any little thing you might need her to take care of.”

“Mrs Dresden’s going on holiday as well?”

“You’ve been to hell and back, Pickle, and you need sll the support you can get. And the good lady’s said she’s happy to be of assistance You’re lucky to have her help, Pickle, she is a jewel amongst women. But I have to warn you seeing the attractive woman she is, so no hanky panky. You’ve got separate rooms and it must stay that way. You understand?”

The Reverend Pickle hadn’t a clue what his Bishop m,ight be referring to when he talked about hanky panky, but he had the sense to humbly reply “Yes sir,” and hope he’d get to understand sooner than later

The Bishop left soon after that and Pickle slumped back in his favourite chair and tried to work out what might be going on in the world. He was going to have a holiday, two whole weeks of it, and what’s more he was going to have the company of someone he knew and actually liked, his cleaning lady (though he knew that she was a lot more than that), and he knew he could enjoy her company whilst he might find he couldn’t get along with a stranger. So all was well.

’”Mrs Dresden,” he called, and she appeared in the doorway. “Did I understand the Bishop right when he talked about a holiday?”

“Yes sir, the two us and I’m really looking forward to the retreat.” she replied with a smile he couldn’t quite understand.

“When do you think we might be going?” he asked, “I mean, you’ve got a busy life and need time to make your plans…”

“Oh, that’s all right, sir. We’re setting off tomorrow morning! I’ll be packed by then! And can I beg a favour, sir?”

“Of course you can, Mrs Dresden.” he replied frowning because he had no idea what she meant by a favour.

“When we’re at your retreat, sir, would you mind calling me by my first name? It’s Emma and seems a lot less formal than Mrs Dresden? And, sir, I hope you’re not offended and you can say no if you like, but can I call you Barney? It’s such a nice name…”

© Peter Rogerson 10.04.24