7. THE BUTLER'S TALE

The Butler of a respected gay Lord has his account...

“Now let’s see how events unfold,” instructed Dingleboot, the Deity. “Let’s trace the Minister’s rise to fame and glory and death...”

“If we must,” grunted the deity’s pupil, and he received a kick on his shins as a reward.

“That’s less of your cheek,” he was warned.

Down below the Butler of Buckleyham Manor was shuffling uncomfortably in his seat.

“You have something to say?” asked the Judge, one eye closed as he used the other one to try and outstare the butler.

“I was Butler at Buckleyham Manor, as was my father before me and as far as I know his father before him as well,” he began. “Butlering’s been in my family’s blood, so to speak, for generations, and that’s probably why there have been only boys born to my line. Girls wouldn’t make very good butlers, at least back in the good old days when men and women knew their places they wouldn’t. As for now with sex equality and all that I’m not so sure…”

“Get on with it!” ordered the Judge.

The Butler gave him a savage look, neutralising the one-eyed stare.

“The Lord of Buckleyham Manor was, as you will have deduced, Lord Buckleyham,” he said, “and one of the richest men in the county. He owned more acres of prime farmland than I could even count, but he was a hands-on land-owner. He despised those whoi accumulated even more wealth than they needed just for the sake of it by impoverishing those who actually did the work. If a shepherd did a good job he received a fair wage and a bonus: that was his motto, and through good times and lean he stuck to it.

“It was soon after Edna Tomkins, may the devil chew her brains out - if he hasn’t already, that is - it was soon after she was elected to Government that she put in an appearance at Buckleyham Manor, and we all knew, the servants and his Lordship alike, what she was after. You see, Lord Buckleyham was a single man and even though he was approaching middle age he had never sought a wife largely because, as he put it, he preferred to bat for the other side. He was quite open about his personal life and there was never any scandal about it. He had, to my knowledge, three lovers over the years, all young men and all as decent as dahlias, if dahlias are decent, that is, and all in sequence, not one of them sharing his boudoir with one of the others.

“It was clear as a bell (if bells can ever be called exactly clear) that the woman Tomkins was after one thing and only one thing. She was after his millions! She was after a husband who would let her do as she pleased with his wallet, and she had her eye on his Lordship, who was as gentle a man as you would ever hope to meet, if you ever hoped to meet anyone, that is. The staff knew what she was about. We had heard rumours on the grapevine (if rumours ever do cling to such plants) that she had two qualities above all others: she was hugely beautiful with a nicely rounded bottom and she was as evil as sin...”

“If sin can be called evil,” muttered the schoolmistress.

“Exactly!” the butler beamed at her, “I couldn’t have put it better myself! “That woman was a bad ‘un, and there’s no doubt about it. Despite her rare beauty it was beginning to tarnish her eyes, to shine out of them as if their earlier innocent light, if ever she had such a thing, had been dimmed by a monstrous malevolent cloud. And she carried rumours with her, especially the one alluded to by our prisoner friend here, of creating false alibis and persuading, with her looks and the suggestion of promises, the judiciary to believe obvious falsehoods as though they were honest and true! It was in all the papers! Questions were asked in print, and for a while her name, which had never been absolutely good seeing as she came from a council estate, was darkened.

“Just a moment!” protested the judge, but the Butler continued.

“But his Lordship knew nothing of that!” he said, “He only read The Times, and it was always in my mind that he hardly read that but had it delivered because that’s the paper that people in his position did have delivered. Appearances had to be kept up! So His Lordship approached her with an open mind as she tried to wriggle her way into his affections. But try as she might, and she was pretty blatant when it came to some of her actions, he showed no more than polite interest in her.

“In the end, frustrated by constant rebuttals, she decided to have it out with him, and I was privileged to overhear their somewhat audible debate! We in service have such privileges, you know, and places from where secrets are sometimes overheard!

“’I was wondering, your Lordship,’ she said, trying to cuddle up to him, ‘I was wondering why you have made no attempt at enjoying my bosoms? I can assure you they are most enjoyable, and any excursion your fingers might make in their direction might even be welcomed! A woman likes to know that the care she takes with her own person is appreciated, and I work hard when it comes to bra-fitting...’

“There was a few moments of silence, and from where I had concealed myself I had no clue as to what might be going on. Was his Lordship venturing to explore her bosoms? That seemed, from what I know of him, to be most unlikely. Then I heard his voice, and like himself his words were honest as the day, if the day can ever be thought of as honest, that is!

“’Madam,’ he said, ‘I thought you might have known, but obviously you don’t, but I have no need of a lady in my life, not even one like yourself with the most splendid bosomage! I have an impish slightly younger fellow who satisfies my baser needs on a daily basis, and that is all that needs to be said. In truth, I find women oppressive. I blame my late mother who suckled me at the breast until I was eleven because, she said, it made her feel wanted. And I also blame my father, the later eleventh Lord Buckleyham, may the saints preserve his spirit, for dallying with so many damsels that I lost count of them before I was two! So I have my lovers in my own way, one at the time, and they are all decently and honourably equipped with honourable male parts rather than their female equivalents.’

“I obviously didn’t see her immediate reaction, but I heard it, and from the tone of her voice I could tell that she was dreadfully incensed. ‘I’ll let it be known from here to the Tower of London that you’re a f****t!’ she shouted at him, ‘I’ll tell the Queen, with whom I have a spectacularly personal relationship! Your name will be dragged through the mud until all you want to do is bury your head in the oven and die!’

“Then he laughed, and even though I couldn’t see what was going on I could guess the way he shook his head in bemusement.

“’Her majesty knows me and my preferences full well, and even suggested that I might enjoy the company of my present friend,’ he said, ‘Now will you leave my home, or must I call my faithful retainer to escort you on your way?’

“I heard those words and decided that I would escort her whether ordered to or not. So I sauntered out of my hiding place and nodded to his Lordship. ‘This way, madam,’ I said, all charm itself, and placing one hand on her shoulder I marched her out of the building. Finally, at the door, I placed an indelicate kick upon her greedy arse and set her on her way. She stumbled as she went, and when she looked back at me her pretty face was twisted into an ugly mask of fury.

“’You’ll pay for that!’ she snarled, ‘you’ll pay with everything you have...’

“I smiled back at her. I knew I was safe. His Lordship would see to that, him and his current lover, the county’s Chief Constable… But I did right and have no regrets. The lady was poison and out to defraud my master of his wealth, and I was having none of it!”

© Peter Rogerson 26.09.18