The gay uncle

an excerpt from my novel BY THE LIGHT OF THE CARNIVAL

(this is an excerpt from my published paperback ghost story novel that takes place in 1977)

“On my way back to the city, do you want me to come back here and pick you up so you can go to work for me with a bunch of gay statuary? You’d be great for business.”

“I promised Dad I’d help bring in the next round of hay. Besides, I don’t want to be good for business. What the hell do you mean by that?”

“A young straight boy like you would be marvelous on my gay shopper’s eyes. You’re also strong and a big nude block of cement isn’t light. With you around we could deliver them without breaking them. Or more horribly, without breaking our nails.”

“You don’t need me. There’s a lot of strong enough guys in Saint Louis, I’m sure. It’s a big city.”

Uncle Tad nodded. “Of course. The city is crowded. But I’m your Uncle and if you need a job and want to get away to the big city, I could be a help, if you want.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“Seriously. It ain’t what you know, it’s who you know. And most importantly, it’s how good you look in a t-shirt while they know you know it.”

Joe nodded. “Okay. Thanks. It’s good to know there’s life out there somewhere.”

Uncle Tad put his finger up. “But don’t take too long to come and work for us, if you decide to. Chances are our business will go belly up. It’s so hard to keep something going in this s**t economy. But gay people will always love pretty things. We’re between a flower shop and a card shop on the same strip, so there’s competition, but you can’t buy a big naked ton of concrete at a card shop, that’s for sure.” Uncle Tad put some money down. “Let me shoot, just for fun.”

“You shoot?”

“Why not?”

Joe explained, “Because you sell gay statues.”

Uncle Tad made a stern face. “I belonged to the Baptist Gun Club when I was a teenager too. After that bull dyke, Nurse Wretched, started it.”

Joe was surprised. “You did?”

“Sure. All us guys did. We didn’t think about not belonging. Everybody wants to belong to things. The girls had their thing. The guys and the bull dyke had their thing. I wanted to do both but a guy isn’t supposed to do the funeral luncheons. Damn! So I went hunting. I was such a spaz. Just thinking about those good ole days kills me. I grew too old for this area anyway, so I left, like anybody with half a brain would. You don’t have to be gay to leave. You just have to want to do something bigger than this area can give you. Is the A&P still open?”

“Yep.”

“They hired gays. At least they used to when the manager with a really really weird toupee worked there. He still there?”

Joe nodded. “Yep. Him and them. Dad always pointed it out like it was some Sodom and Gomorrah… with food.”

“There’s a whole Country out there. A whole world.”

“Yeah.” Joe looked off towards a field. The wind was stirring the weeds. “I hate it here sometimes. But I like farming too. And Dad needs the help. And he likes the company now that mom’s gone.”

“You shouldn’t have to stay around to be company for an old man. Well not that old.”

Joe laughed. “You’re his older brother.”

“God. I am old… forty-two and I can tell you Rose Milk doesn’t work. Oh well. No matter. Last month I bought a bottle of vitamin C and they say that’ll cure everything. You should start taking it. I always say, start early.”

Joe gave his Uncle the undersized ammo. “Here ya go. Shoot out the whole star and you win a new car.”

Uncle Tad loaded, sized up his gun, aimed and fired all his bullets. He didn’t blow out the whole star. “Not that I’m a good shoot, but this game is rigged. Are the sights off?”

“The sights are just fine.”

Uncle Tad put the gun down on the counter. “You swear?”

“Yup. Scouts honor. The sights are fine.”