the beautiful lie

tell me what you think of it , i can use some help i guess so be contstructive in your review :)

painting your impurities in a mask of colour, 

seeking to learn the secrets of Victoria

magazines and beauty scenes , living life now,

just to be accepted. the ugly truth hides behind

your illusion which cannot be exempted . 

during the sunrise those are the unholy hours

you hide from the world deep within your dark tower 

perfecting your mask takes all you have 

a magnificent attempt to hide your true colours.

treason would be the charge if the world knew

the very secret you harbour  .

you set out on an endeavoring  day of being a radiant fake

having all the boys grovel at your exquisite face.

an ugly girl is being tortured you pay no mind

instead you join the fray .

"its the prerogative of the better" ,you say .

now that your done , you smile because you won 

contempt rains upon the ugly girl 

feeling jubilant you have finally won the acceptance 

of your company . a gleeful feeling encompasses you

euphoria takes over you feel complete .you sit 

in front your mirror all alone dysphoria  awakens

an epiphany is manifested the mirror comes alive.

the story telling mirror conjures a memory 

one that is best forgotten. the memory of a girl

she was fourteen high on innocence."abomination" 

that is what they called her, "ugly cow" these chants

would feast. belligerent disdain and malice torture

that is what she went through . you're nineteen now

and she was weak you must have thought her to be a disgrace.

now she wonders , was it worth the cost  

imprisoning her morals.hiding her true self 

a queen by the day but a bitter melancholy woman by night  

"beauty is subjective" that is what he  told her 

"you must learn to love yourself the way you are"

another line he told her 

now she lays  passively depressed 

not knowing what to do with herself.

Author's Note

be constructive i could use some help with this one :)

Reviews

[Baby Ricochet]

Well, you've read some of my work so you know how I write poetry. Short, tight with metered rhymes.
This is free verse prose style which isn't my shtick but I'll try. You did get your message across though I thought the piece could have been shorter and tighter. An example would be "Belligerent disdain and malice torture." "Belligerent disdain" said it all "malice torture" just read clumsy afterward. There's several lines like that in this. If you were to edit it and distill it down to more of an essence rather than than free verse rambling it would be much more effective. Really good poetry doesn't have to be all that long or lofty. Some of the best classic poetry ever written has been short and plain. An important thing to remember when writing poetry is the subject of the poem is secondary, how it's woven together is first. That makes the difference between a great poem and a bunch of words on paper. Thank you and I hope this helps

[Peter H]

thank you i usually just do three stanza's but i thought i would stretch this one somewhat :) you're kinda write i did force some of the lines :) thanks for the contructive review

[Baby Ricochet]

Your welcome. The WC is short on constructive criticism. My reviews are usually useless. Mostly I just acknowledge I read the poem. We're all a bunch of amateur writers on here so ripping apart each others work just seems mean spirited to me. Like I rip apart some s****y poem and it turns out to have been written by a 12 year old girl in India. Man would I ever feel like a prick.

[Tree]

Beauty is indeed subjective, though each society has its way of trying to define it for us. And some take it and make it the most important thing in their life; a sad phenomena, this type of superficiality. I liked the messages this piece conveys to the reader...

There are a few places that you can polish. But that is subjective too, so I can only offer this advice. Raise the bar for yourself, scrutinize every single word, every single punctuation. Read it out loud many times, if it does not sound right to your ear, keep manipulating it until it does. It is a vetting process that the conscientious poet Must do. I am still learning this myself, but I share it with you because you are smart and young with excellent ideas; now you must implement these ideas with perfectionism, and craftsmanship.

[Peter H]

thank you diego , i always respect the view's of my elder's i view them with great wisdom :) and i shalt do as you say :) because it makes sense thank you

[Rogue]

Your story comes across very clearly in your lines. A powerful message in what someone was and what they have now let themselves to become to be accepted.

"beauty is subjective" that what he told her

The word "that" should probably be that's or that is.

Very good work! :)

[Peter H]

thank you i shall correct it :) my friend your review is appreciated :)

[Rogue]

You are very welcome. :)

[Sami Khalil]

"now that your done , you smile because you won
contempt rains upon the ugly girl
feeling jubilant you have finally won the acceptance
of your company . a gleeful feeling encompasses you
euphoria takes over you feel complete ."
Wow. I just saw this write . I felt the pain and agony of trying to change someone and instead they brought lies and sorrow upon you...Bravo...:)

[Peter H]

thank you very much sami :)

[Sami Khalil]

MY pleasure...:)

[quinfinn]

i think you state your message quite profoundly, i am loathe to "improve" on your write because i feel that we each express ourselves in our own particular idiom. the bottom line is...."pretty is as pretty does" and i have known many very pretty people who where butt ugly when it comes down to realism...i could name a few right now, but that would not be "pretty" of me. well penned!

[Angi]

Peter, I see the message in this one. Victoria's Secret, media..all these masks we paint on , literally and figuratively. All to make ourselves appear to be...what? Something prettier, easier, more pleasant? Then, the ugly does shine through the beautiful mask, because all this falseness has tarnishered her. Who is she, anyway? Punish the good around her to make up for her own inadequacies. So much here! The last two lines, 'she lays in a passively depressed...' What does she lie in? The only stumbing place for me. Angi~

[Peter H]

perhaps just laying down i did say it needed some editing but i'm happy you got the message , btw its based on a true story of someone who was very dear to me :( but she fell into depravity i tried to change her ways but at every opportunity she choose to hurt me instead , until the day with that girl she proved me wrong that not everyone can change :'(

[The Girl That Let You G..]

Lol, in the first stanza i thought you were talking about victorian paintings....Bahahahahahahhaha
Being serious now, this is a great poem, its different, yet conveys a perfect message that I wish people would read and start putting into use. Truth is, people who bully others probably got bullied themselves. Wonderful work Peter :)

[The Daisy]

It's a good read. But I noticed a few grammatical errors, e.g. 'cannot excepted', 'now that your done', 'now she wonder's' and 'that what he told her'. You probably meant 'cannot be accepted', 'now that you are done', 'now she wonders' and 'that is/was he told her'.

Write some more, Peter. :)

[Peter H]

thank you for the constructive review :) my friend i will fix those errors :)

[Rhea752]

I wonder who the guy was.

The only thing I have to say criticism wise is to capitalize your words, and it really isn't a criticism, I didn't mind.

This was reminiscent of what I went through a few years back. Though I stopped trying to hide myself, people tell me I'm weird at school, but they're still my friends so they must like me. Lol. You can feel the regret for her life' s decisions in this work. Also you nailed another fact. There is a correlation between the those who were bullied and grew up to bully others. It's a cycle. I guess the moral is to be yourself.

This was a common message but a very unique poem. very well written. Keep it up!!!! :)

[Peter H]

thank you very much rhea :)