the beautiful lie

tell me what you think of it , i can use some help i guess so be contstructive in your review :)

painting your impurities in a mask of colour, 

seeking to learn the secrets of Victoria

magazines and beauty scenes , living life now,

just to be accepted. the ugly truth hides behind

your illusion which cannot be exempted . 

during the sunrise those are the unholy hours

you hide from the world deep within your dark tower 

perfecting your mask takes all you have 

a magnificent attempt to hide your true colours.

treason would be the charge if the world knew

the very secret you harbour  .

you set out on an endeavoring  day of being a radiant fake

having all the boys grovel at your exquisite face.

an ugly girl is being tortured you pay no mind

instead you join the fray .

"its the prerogative of the better" ,you say .

now that your done , you smile because you won 

contempt rains upon the ugly girl 

feeling jubilant you have finally won the acceptance 

of your company . a gleeful feeling encompasses you

euphoria takes over you feel complete .you sit 

in front your mirror all alone dysphoria  awakens

an epiphany is manifested the mirror comes alive.

the story telling mirror conjures a memory 

one that is best forgotten. the memory of a girl

she was fourteen high on innocence."abomination" 

that is what they called her, "ugly cow" these chants

would feast. belligerent disdain and malice torture

that is what she went through . you're nineteen now

and she was weak you must have thought her to be a disgrace.

now she wonders , was it worth the cost  

imprisoning her morals.hiding her true self 

a queen by the day but a bitter melancholy woman by night  

"beauty is subjective" that is what he  told her 

"you must learn to love yourself the way you are"

another line he told her 

now she lays  passively depressed 

not knowing what to do with herself.

Author's Note

be constructive i could use some help with this one :)

Reviews

[Baby Ricochet]

Well, you've read some of my work so you know how I write poetry. Short, tight with metered rhymes.
This is free verse prose style which isn't my shtick but I'll try. You did get your message across though I thought the piece could have been shorter and tighter. An example would be "Belligerent disdain and malice torture." "Belligerent disdain" said it all "malice torture" just read clumsy afterward. There's several lines like that in this. If you were to edit it and distill it down to more of an essence rather than than free verse rambling it would be much more effective. Really good poetry doesn't have to be all that long or lofty. Some of the best classic poetry ever written has been short and plain. An important thing to remember when writing poetry is the subject of the poem is secondary, how it's woven together is first. That makes the difference between a great poem and a bunch of words on paper. Thank you and I hope this helps

[Peter H]

thank you i usually just do three stanza's but i thought i would stretch this one somewhat :) you're kinda write i did force some of the lines :) thanks for the contructive review

[Baby Ricochet]

Your welcome. The WC is short on constructive criticism. My reviews are usually useless. Mostly I just acknowledge I read the poem. We're all a bunch of amateur writers on here so ripping apart each others work just seems mean spirited to me. Like I rip apart some s****y poem and it turns out to have been written by a 12 year old girl in India. Man would I ever feel like a prick.

[TrimarcoRansome]

I like the emotive topic and enjoyed the poem, I felt the last 3 lines of the ending verse felt a little numb, blunt almost compared to the rest of it, an anti climax to the wonderful work in the rest of the poem, the rest I loved!
during the sunrise those are the unholy hours
you hide from the world deep within your dark tower
... Great use of words there, well done! your work is progressing all the time, keep going!

[Peter H]

thank you my friend :)

[J'Eliot]

Nicely written. Your emotions are being reflected through this poem. Good work.

[Peter H]

thank you :)

[J'Eliot]

:D

[Bre]

You do have to learn to love yourself. Nicely put.

[Peter H]

thank you very much bre :)

[Peter H]

thank you very much bre :)

[Prritiy]

nice message being conveyed through this creation, liked it.

[Peter H]

thank you

[Prritiy]

you are welcome :)

[lovejulez03]

Random review here, saw you online and stopped by to take a look. Glad that I did :) I see that this was a personal experience for you and you did a great job of conveying that and using strength and creativity in your writing .. I'm not big on advice because my poetry as grammatical errors and many of them don't flow correctly yet, but in MY opinion just go back through the poem and see how you can chop it up. Keep everything there, essentially but maybe add or take way a certain word.. and perhaps just lay it out out differently. It was easy to read for the most part, some of it just seemed thrown together. Again.. just my opinion , i'm NO expert. :) Nontheless I really loved this!

[Peter H]

thank you very much :) lovejulez03 ..... :) and thank you for the advice also

[lovejulez03]

Thank you for sharing it :)

[SHEEMA HUQ]

I think that you have very competently expressed the polarities of 'beauty/ugliness' in a torturously image obsessed, rigid, abusive setting, which enables the reader to think about the living circumstances and self images of both females, the vicious climate that they were bred and socialised in to, and their present circumstances.

I also felt that this was an astute, critique (and perhaps an assault if you like), on the crude superficiality of visual bombardments, the impact on young people, who have been vulnerable, reliant and influenced by such cultural manifestations, alone and susceptible to their most dangerous influences. Clever work, Peter.

[Onku Ghosh]

a lovely poem with deep feelings.Very well written .Mustn't we all love ourselves the way we are, instead of striving to be someone else?

[Peter H]

thank you my friend :) for the review :)

[Pax]

sorry my friend ~ i can't be much help because i am more of a reader response type... i may not be able to pin point the grammar errors(on which i am weak), but - i could say you did a great job on telling what you felt that this person should know... i am sure you have read my quote - how to love oneself... one of there is insecurities... that is why beauty now becomes subjective... and we can't help feel those insecurities... we see a lot of things around us to be insecure of... the thing is people forget how who we really are... we need a constant reminder.. or a self control... a balance between what we badly want to the just the few things we really want... that is why we need a friend who understand the balance between all those... a friend that will steak to us to remind us our wrong doings... because in the poem i see the lady becomes consume on how she looks or how to fit in... beauty is not all glamour...

i really like the message of the poem...
amazing job ~ 100

[Peter H]

i tried being her friend like that ,its based on a real story but her bitterness changed her and i could'nt change her back , i faild :(

[Pax]

you only fail when you stop being her friend.... for now i guess everything is not the same... give it time...