Dear _____,

Lessons Learned and Moving On. Learning to cope and realizing that sometimes your hurt is deeper than you thought and more impacting than you ever imagined.

Dear_____,

I don't write this letter to hurt you. I write it to inform you. I want to inform you of the hurt that you inflicted upon me. I want you to know the way in which I have suffered since I last saw your angry and tear streaked face outside what was once our apartment. You think that your pain was so great, that I was a monster who ruined your life. So quick you are to highlight and heighten all the bad that I supposedly did, and easily wipe away all the good. You turned your back on my love for you and pushed me away, propelling yourself into the arms of a man who simply used you to satisfy the sexual needs he wasn't having met at home. He saw you as a damaged woman, easily manipulated for what he wanted....a good lay. He fucked you and walked away, convincing you that his leaving was also my fault, and that maybe when you were "healed" he would be there for you. He walked out of the bedroom your friend lets you rent from them and into the warm home she shares with his wife and two children. And as the pain of his leaving hit you, again you turned your anger to me. 

If only I had been nicer. If only I hadn't had to be right about everything, if only I wasn't a selfish jerk, a*****e, fucked up b***h of a man with way to many female friends....right? Aren't those all the insults you and your conspicuously single and much younger than you friends hurled into the air in rage about me as you attempted to justify all that I had "done" to you?  and what had I done? I worked, I cared for you, I sacrificed a lot of myself in order to be with you. Your sense of complacency culled my ambitions and creativity; I allowed you to to change me. That was definitely my fault. I fought over little things that didn't mean anything and instead let pass by the moments when I truly should have dug in and tried to fight for myself. I let you accuse me of horrendous things and damage my character, I let you terrorize my friends and drive me away from them, I let you isolate me from my family and forced myself to hide my devastation at the loss of their support. I let you do all these things, and in the end I was the bad guy.

And now looking back, I see how much I was to blame.  For me to let someone do what you did over and over and to question my own self worth....that is a shame I will have to live with. I have always been a strong and independent person but in the course of nearly three years with you as your boyfriend I became a shell of the man I was before, I lost so much of the calming virtue that made me such an endearing person, and in the end I hated myself for it.  I let you convince me that I was truly a terrible person and that I not only deserved every bit of pain you inflicted on me, but that I was unworthy of your love or anyone else's.

Society doesn't like it when men fail. When we cannot do the job, fall short of the goal, or can't understand the task at hand, we are seen as a waste. Hardly ever is there a person waiting to hold our hand and console us and tell us that we are loved and wonderful and that everything will be alright. We grow up and become men who impart this knowledge to our children, continuing a cycle of repressed emotional miasma that plagues us until we wise up and break through it. And when we reach that pivotal breaking point, it can be earth shattering and life affirming at the same time.

That is what happened to me. Because of you, my life was thrown into turmoil. I lost my way, lost sight of what was truly important, and nearly ended my existence because of it. Some of us are stronger and handle breakups better than others, some of us have the ability to lean on others for the courage and support to get through. But because of you and what you did to me, how disconnected from my family and friends and even myself I was, I nearly thought ceasing this existence to be the only escape from the nearly insufferable pain that I was in.  I locked myself away and barely ate or slept; I merely existed from moment to moment in a haze of cheap liquor and shame as I forced myself to work everyday and to drink away the pain every night. I would push myself to the absolute limit at the gym and then at work, only to drag myself home fifteen exhaustive hours later and curl myself around a bottle of liquor I got on the way home. For a long time my home was never empty of liquor. The apartment we once shared and sparsely decorated soon filled with empty liquor bottles and sweat stained clothes. I forgot to shop for anything other than whiskey and I would stock pile it in the kitchen. The massive bottles, some half empty, would adorn my counters the way containers of flour and sugar and various other spices did in conventional homes.  I drank more in the first four months of our break up than I had in the years preceding it.

But in the time that has passed, years since I last saw your face, caressed your cheek, felt your warmth in my bed.... I have pushed myself to become better. I have taking risks with new career options, reconnected with friends and family, and stepped away from the crutch of the bottle. I realized that I am the one who has always been in control and that I alone decide my fate. My fault lies in the simple fact that I allowed you to take control of my life, and even when we broke up I let you maintain that control. I couldn't do that anymore. I had to let you go, let you and all that negative bitterness that I held onto and used to fuel my steps to the bottom of a bottle. I put all that behind me and I have worked hard to recover my life. 

I am now about to take another huge leap forward.....I am going to be a father. For a person who has struggled so much with so many things, I find myself at peace for the first time in a long time and actually looking forward to having a child. As I step forward in my life and begin to embrace all that it has to offer, I realize that I need to recognize what you meant for me, and how I must acknowledge that pain and how much I have grown from it.  You hurt me, changed me.....and ultimately I am made stronger because of it.

Please know.....I don't hate you.  I don't have that capacity anymore. I am just a man who has reclaimed his life and in doing so I realize that I cannot move forward without this distinction and understanding that I am passed all that hate and guilt and pain I felt because of you. I am a new man, with a new life and a child on the way. To accept that responsibility I have to be better than all this bitterness, and be the man that will make my son or daughter proud each and every day. I certainly couldn't be that when I was with you, and I certainly cannot be that if I am still dragging your baggage around. 

Goodbye,

_____

Author's Note

Moving on can be hard, but writing about it can be harder. Just trying to get it out and get it over with. Any insight or comments you have are welcome, just be respectful please!

Reviews

[bianca]

You wrote this letter years ago. I know how hard it is to write one after you lose the person you loved, cared about, talked to, dreamed of. I did that too and burned it because I didn't want anyone else to see my pain and the fact that I loved a person who was just using me for his needs and life. It was never about me and him, it was just about his desires. It made me hate myself and I changed because I wanted to show him that I was stronger than he thought. Two days ago, he texted me. He told me that he had found a new girl, a better one, and I told him, “I am happy for you. We both moved on. " and then I blocked him because I wanted to put it in the past forever.

So my question is ... Are you happy now and have you started a new chapter? It's amazing what you wrote there and thank you for showing us your feelings and memories. I'm sorry for my long story ... I just felt like telling you a little about mine.