The New Bathroom

Humour

It was one of those August nights in Sicily when the air was dead still. The sun was beating on the outer walls of the row houses, chasing people out of their homes even at night when the bricks release their baking heat into buildings and streets. On those occasions, common in August, night life is livened by the chatter of people who wait in vain for a comfortable sleep in their beds. They fight the stifling heat by sitting in front of their houses or going for a walk, often trying to create a breeze with the rhythmic movements of their arms.

At two in the morning, Miciu finally had the courage to go back inside the small house he rented for the summer. He was not sleepy yet, but even the fleeting company of people passing by during their ritual stroll through the village had ended and he felt uncomfortably alone. He rose from his chair, took a deep breath, and walked into the house with the chair held by his right hand. He locked the door and walked towards the kitchen in a deliberate slow motion aimed at killing time with each step. He was reluctant to go to the bedroom, which he knew would have become a sauna, because his mind did not want to shut down, and he would be lying in bed awake and drenched in sweat. He could not stop creating images of the new bathroom in his new house that would be completed the next day.

At five in the morning, he finally capitulated and threw himself on top of the bed, taking off his shoes, shirt and pants and lying there uncovered. Two hours later, he was woken up by the sound of the alarm clock he had set earlier for fear of oversleeping. He got up immediately, put back on shoes, pants and shirt, and marched directly towards the house of Peppino the plumber, skipping breakfast and the ritual daily washing and shaving. It was the day of the installation of the toilet and sink in his new house, and Miciu wanted to make sure that Peppino started working early and completed the job before lunch time.

"You can never trust these masons or plumbers," he said to himself, "they come and go as they please, as if they own the world. We just wait and pay." Then he added as an afterthought, "I will pay, but I will have this job done on time."

Miciu had waited long for this moment. As a small child, he used to visit the building site with his uncle Placido, who owned the plot of land. He loved to pick cherries in the spring, grapes in the fall and tangerines in the winter, but most of all, he loved the view of the mountains which reflected the passing of the seasons with the changing colors of their mild slopes. The wet green of springtime turned slowly into a tawny brown as summer approached and progressed and maintained that color throughout fall before it was covered by a shining white when snow made its occasional visits to the top of the mountains in winter. He dared not dream of owning that piece of land as he had no money to buy it from his uncle. When, in his early twenties, he decided to emigrate to Germany, he took courage and asked his uncle to give him first choice if he decided to sell the land.

 "Don't worry Miciu", replied Placido, " I know how much you love this piece of land, and I will not give it to anyone else. When you are ready to buy it, let me know and it will be yours."

The land was bought and fully paid for. Then came the time to build a house. Now the house had been built and was almost ready for occupation. Miciu did not want to waste a single minute as he walked earnestly towards Peppino's house.

"Three years to build a small house! Three bloody years!" he complained to Peppino as they walked at a crisp pace towards the building site. "In Germany I could have built a castle in the same time."

"Don't get your blood pressure up, Miciu," Peppino replied. "We are in Sicily; we do things at the proper pace here. All this rush is for crazy people who have no appreciation for the proper order of things in life. Anyway, your house is almost finished, and today you can take possession as soon as I install the toilet and sink."

The rest of the trip was done in silence as if talking would have slowed the pace. Peppino worked steadily under Miciu's watchful eyes, who kept exclaiming at regular intervals: "What a beautiful bathroom! I can't wait to use it."

When Peppino completed the installation of the toilet and the sink, he turned to Miciu and exclaimed with pride: "It's all done. Now you can take possession of your house."

Miciu beamed with pride.

"I will do that right away," he replied joyfully, "and I will take possession with a full charge, not with a sprinkling of holy water as the priest does when he blesses a new house. I didn't go at all to the bathroom this morning to ensure that I was fully ready for baptizing my new toilet."

Miciu walked directly to the toilet, dropped his pants and underpants, and set on it to perform the rite of possession, oblivious of the fact that the bathroom still lacked a door. He was in the privacy of his home, and he did not care if there were witnesses to his act.

Peppino started to gather his tools and return home when he noticed a man in a police uniform accompanied by a civilian entering through the gate that had been left open. It was brigadiere Moretti with inspector Maniero.

"Good morning brigadiere, good morning inspector," Peppino uttered loudly. "Did you come to see Miciu and his new house? He is in the bathroom taking possession of the house."

Brigadiere Moretti's reply was formal. "Would you please show me where the bathroom is located?"

The two officers followed Peppino towards the house. Miciu was still seated on his throne when he saw the brigadiere standing in front of the doorless bathroom with Peppino and the inspector partly hiding behind him.

"Good morning brigadiere and inspector," Micu said jovially. “As you can see, I am taking possession of my new house. Please go upstairs and wait for me. I will be up in a few minutes, and we can celebrate together with a glass of wine."

"Don't you dare move." Brigadiere Moretti responded with a stern voice. "You are charged with breaking article 17.6 of the building code, and this bathroom is part of the evidence. Nothing and nobody can be moved from this bathroom. Please stay still because I need to take a photo."

Miciu was speechless. His most valuable part of the new house was illegal? He had taken possession of an illegal bathroom? All that waiting and preparing for nothing? It could not be possible.

"You must be kidding, right?" he responded while trying to stand up.

"Don't move," repeated the brigadiere with an imperious tone. Then he changed his demeanour. "Mister Catalfamo, please don't be offended; I am just doing my job. Somebody sent an anonymous letter to the office of the building inspector, and we are here to verify the accusation."

"O.K., but at least let me get up, wipe my a*s, and get dressed."

The brigadiere, the inspector and Peppino turned around to form a wall that gave Miciu some privacy. When Miciu yelled "you can turn now," Peppino filled a small container with water from the sink that was located in the legal part of the bathroom and gave it to him to wash his hands. Then, closing his nose with the thumb and index fingers, he implored Miciu to open the window.

"Miciu what did you eat last night? If you do not open the window we will die of asphyxiation."

Micu extended his arm to open the window but was stopped again by the brigadiere.

"You cannot do that," he intimated to Miciu. "By law, that window should not be there. You cannot open a window that legally does not exist."

While Miciu and the brigadiere were discussing the matter of the window, Peppino and the inspector stepped towards the front door to inhale some breathable air. The brigadiere started to press his hands against his stomach.

"Mr. Catalfamo, do you have another bathroom in the house?" he asked Miciu.

“No, this is the only bathroom. I am a single man. I only need one bathroom. Why do you ask? Do you have to check whether it is legal?" Miciu mocked the brigadiere.

"No," replied the brigadiere, "this morning I had a cup of coffee and a cream-filled pastry that I bought at the bar. I think the pasty was not fresh."

The intestinal pressure could no longer be kept under control.

"You must have some trees in your garden," the brigadier blurted out. He could no longer hide his pain. "I will go behind one of the trees."

"I don't think you can do that," interjected the inspector. "You would contravene article 25 of the environmental law. There will be witnesses to that."

Miciu realized that this was his chance to fix the issue of the bathroom and addressed the brigadiere with a soothing voice.

"Caro brigadiere, we are all friends here and should help each other. You can use this bathroom."

Miciu left the alcove to make room for the brigadiere, who jumped in without considering the consequences, almost colliding with Miciu.

When the brigadiere was sitting comfortably on the toilet, concentrating on releasing the bodily pressure, Miciu took a photo of him. The startled brigadiere was reassured by Miciu that he wanted to keep a record of this memorable day when his new bathroom had been honored by a double blessing. Peppino and the inspector remained on guard with their backs to the brigadiere, but occasionally turned their heads to check on his progress.

When they saw he was dressed and standing, Miciu asked politely, "Brigadiere, would you please open the window? This stench is killing us.”

After opening the window, the brigadiere turned to leave the alcove and step to the sink to wash his hands but was stopped by Giacomo.

"Please stop, my friend," said Miciu, "you are in an illegal area; you cannot leave it."

The brigadiere was speechless, but he realized that Miciu was correct.

"You know what article 25.7 of the building code says," the inspector interjected. "Any object, animal, or person found in an illegal part of a building must remain there until the official release is signed by the proper authorities."

"I know, I know." The brigadiere was annoyed. "But this is different. I just used the place temporarily. Moreover, I am the authority."

"You are the investigating authority, not the signing authority," the inspector clarified.

"Va bene, I understand," the brigadier replied, now fuming with anger. "Please go quickly and get the release."

"Yes, I will go right away." The inspector added a warning. “But do not expect miracles. First I have to go to my office and find the proper form, then I must find the village engineer who has signing authority, and then I must go to the police office to get the signature of the commander."

"Get going then," yelled the brigadiere in exasperation. "I can't stay here forever!"

"Dear brigadiere, these matters take time. We are not in the North. We do things properly in Sicily, you know," the inspector responded with calm.

He left right away, walking briskly to give the impression that he was in a hurry. As soon as he turned the corner, he slowed down and looked at his watch.

“How time flies,” he said to himself. “It’s lunch time. I have to go home because my wife is expecting me.”

After lunch, the inspector had intention of going straight to the office, but his wife reminded him that he needed to take care of his health first. She did not want to become a young widow. So he decided to take a short nap.

When he got to the office two hours later, the inspector gathered the necessary forms and prepared them for the engineer’s signature. But the engineer was not in the office that afternoon. He had left earlier to make a building inspection. The inspector returned to Miciu’s house to give the bad news to the brigadiere. Moretti could no longer restrain his anger. He got up from the toilet, where he been sitting for hours under Giacomo’s watchful eye and yelled in desperation.

“What am I supposed to do? Stay here nailed to this toilet until you get the certificate signed? I have an important commitment tonight. My wife has invited her aunt to celebrate her birthday. I can’t be away or I will be in real trouble with my wife and her entire family.”

“I think that must wait till tomorrow afternoon,” the inspector replied, holding back a pressing laugh. “Tomorrow morning, the engineer has to go to the justice building to present a report on a charge of a building code violation. “

The constable could no longer contain his anger and was ready to leave but was stopped by the inspector’s warning.

“I would advise you not to leave, dear brigadiere. Leaving the scene of a crime is not a small infraction of the law and carries serious consequences. You do not want to jeopardize your career.”

“But who knows about this infraction? Who is going to betray me?” yelled the constable in exasperation.

 “My dear brigadiere,” commented Miciu, “you do not expect that we all become a bunch of liars. A man sworn to enforce the law cannot expect this from us.”

“We also have the photo taken by Miciu while you were seated on the toilet. We cannot destroy this evidence. It would be a crime,” added the inspector, winking at Miciu.

Miciu understood that it was time to make his final move and, turning to Moretti, he said in a soothing voice, “My dear brigadiere, I am really sorry that we find ourselves in this dreadful situation. It seems to me that we should be able to find a reasonable solution to this problem, of course always respecting the law. If, just as an example, we could find a way of making the bathroom legal, then both you and I would be out of trouble and could go upstairs and enjoy a glass of wine.”

“I understand, signor Catalfamo,” the brigadier said, “but I cannot find such a solution.”

“I have been thinking that maybe there is a solution to this problem,” said the inspector. “It is true that according to article 17.6 the bathroom may be illegal. But it seems to me that this article may be superseded by article 32.3, which assigns certain rights of possession to the owner of a building. When we arrived, Miciu had already baptized the bathroom and, therefore, had already taken possession of his house. Your photo provides official evidence of that.

“You are right.” The brigadiere was starting to see a ray of hope.

“I think that Miciu had acquired the rights of possession before we entered his house. Therefore, article 32.3 becomes effective and article 17.6 is nullified because a bathroom that has been officially baptized can no longer be illegal.”

“You are a legal genius.” The brigadiere breathed a sigh of relief. “You are perfectly right. Please, go and get the form so I can sign it right away.”

“When I was in my office and I was thinking about a solution to this quandary, I prepared the form in case we were able to find a solution.” The inspector handed two copies of the form to the brigadier.

Brigadiere Moretti signed both copies immediately, gave one copy to Micu and offered congratulations for such a beautiful new house.

“Signor Catalfamo, now everything is in order, enjoy your new bathroom.”

The brigadiere and the inspector walked together towards the exit. Mici accompanied them to the gate.

Turning to the inspector, Miciu said, “Thanks for your services, dear inspector. I know how to do my duty. I will see you again shortly.”

Then he turned to the brigadiere and said smilingly:

“Caro brigadiere, you are always welcome in my house. If by chance you happen to pass by and must heed the call of nature, remember the door of my new bathroom is always open for you.”

When he was finally alone, Miciu went back inside to give a good look at his new house. He stopped in front of the bathroom to admire it again. He felt a real sense of satisfaction: such a beautiful bathroom, and baptized twice, once personally and the second time by a public official. What honor! He touched the toilet, sink, and bidet, and then walked toward the exit door, turning his head to have a final glimpse of the special room. Three years had gone by since the excavator dug the first scoop of soil. Three long years. But the pleasure of this unforgettable day erased all the tribulations. That evening, Miciu slept like a baby, and not even the stifling heat was able to disturb him.