Broken - A Memoir

Written for a "broken" theme challenge, this is about my first stay in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital.

There are broken people everywhere, but in some places it’s just more concentrated. We all were broken there; even some of the nurses were broken, stitched together with staples that barely showed unless you knew what to look for.

It’s been too long now to remember how many pills it was that got me into it. I wasn’t drinking that night; perhaps I would not now be telling this tale if I had been. Later they said I did it to myself; refused the support I needed - withdrew the friendship I required; ignored completely the very knowledge that the pills were the symptom, and not the cause.

My eyes were wild as I stared around; I don’t know exactly what I had expected but this wasn’t it. What struck me first was the white. White walls, white counters, white floors, white uniforms - a couple of the nurses even sported white smiles. Once they determined my state of mind; I suppose they wrote me down as confused when I couldn’t tell them the prime minister’s name or the current date (though if I’m honest, those are two things I rarely know on a good day).

“Hello, Jessica, my name is Susie. If you’ll just sit down here, I’ll check your vitals.”

I lost track early on how many times my vitals were checked, but they must never have been a particular concern; nothing further ever happened. Then came the questions - so very, very many questions.

“How much do you weigh?”
“Do you have any other scars or injuries?”
“Do you drink? Do drugs?”

The list continued. My entire history dissolved in a barrage of empty questions, noted onto paper for the world to discover, should they try. Why they bothered, I never knew; I’d spent the day answering questions already, locked in a tiny cubicle and alone; nothing there with which to comfort or entertain myself. I seem to recall sleeping some, sprawled with my face on my arms, my arms draped across the single table.

After the questions they went through my backpack. You can’t keep anything they deem unsafe; I laughed when they took my grounding crystal and left the sharp-edged credit card in my care - and the safety pins holding up my pants. I cried when they threw away the container holding what I deemed to be my closest friends.

Dinner was a confusing affair; front up, get a plate, find a chair. I’d rather not be seen while I’m eating, not until I know the people - but I was rather hungry. After, it was time to dress my wounds; hide out in yet another closed room with people to stare and question.

“These are infected. Did you do this to yourself? You certainly did a good job...” Then all the hows and the whys and, of course, the ever expressed, “you know you need to stop”. As she gently and carefully tended to the wounds that marked my sorrow, Susie had a way of touching nerves and challenging my mindset. Despite it all, I found that I liked Susie. She wore, I might add, a bright pink shirt.

As for the other patients, aside from whitened faces, they, like myself, were the splashes of colour in a clinical universe. We wore smiles, frowns, fear; we shook and muttered; drew in and out of ourselves in quiet shades and shadows of the selves that should have been. They called me Giraffe Girl, a name I earned with the constant companionship of my soft giraffe; I started when they spoke at me, responded in whispers and softened tones.

People stayed or left, all on doctors’ orders, but we all were broken, even then. I guess by now, maybe some of us aren’t so broken anymore - and some of us just maybe broke ourselves a little more in the meantime.

Author's Note

All polite/relevant reviews are welcome - including constructive critique, grammar and spelling corrections. And thank you for reading/leaving a review!

Reviews

[Tegon Maus]

Hi Penulis... I was looking for a contest to enter and came across your entry. It's very good, I enjoyed reading it. So much so there's no point in my entering. I'm not much for poems but I enjoyed reading this very much... I loved the vulnerability you showed and hope you're not so broken anymore.

[LoveAlways,Kali♥]

This was extremely well written and I feel that it definetly tells a great story.