Journal--my stages from freedom and beyond

This journal goes through my journey of going to the cops for help and carries my daily occurances and such...

>> If under the age of 18, some parts may be hard to understand or be too much to handle.  It's sometimes too much for me to handle as is.

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8/12/2008 7:50 AM

This is my first journal for after leaving home. Today is day six of being “free” from fearing him. For six days, I have stayed in a safe house thanks to the cops—thank you Terry and Shannon. Since a little after my adoption, he—my step-dad—has touched me inappropriately. It started with a kiss, and him placing his hands on my stomach as a form of punishment. I hated it, but I knew what I had to do to keep him from upsetting my mom. I couldn’t let her get hurt anymore. He escalated a little bit by sliding his hands down the back of my pants and touching my breasts. (Oh, how I hated that, I always felt so… filthy). He would only do that for a while, while every now and then kissing my neck, “You taste so good”; holding me “You feel so good”; I hated hearing that. He even did it at Grandma’s. Why doesn’t anyone ever notice this? Why does it seem everyone seemed to not see it or just ignore it? That I will never understand. 

Every time he touched me, I would make him mad and shove him away, but I was becoming confused. He seemed too really care for me, so I thought to myself, am I wrong for pushing away? What was/is wrong with me? I can deal with a little touching, after all mom faced a gun for me and Trampus so of course I can keep quiet and try to make sure mom has a happy marriage, maybe one day I would be free. I learned to take, at first, a few sleeping pills to sleep so I could forget what was happening for a short time and not remember any dreams. Soon, sleeping pills were a thing of normalcy for me. And trust me; they do not go well with an energy drink!

I learned that if I go to the bathroom at night, he will call me to him on my way or on my way back to mine and my little brother’s room. I have learned how to hold my pee for many hours if necessary, but it hurts in the morning and sometimes all the next day I’ll have sharp pains lower in my stomach on the side. I hated the pain because it sometimes made laughing hurt and rough, a few times in Wal-Mart after a day of these pains, I would go where no one would see me and crouch in the floor, and massage the pain trying to relieve my pain. Now and then, in the present, I’m learning to deal with occasional tear jerking pain from my bladder when I pee.

A short hand of the things he has done to me, with the exception of what is already listed, is he has made me lay on my stomach on my bed while he kissed down my back to the small of my back, while telling me he is not kissing me on my lips. Which I begged him not to do, I mean begging him to not kiss my lips. He put his hand on my V. while I was wearing a new pair of pajamas that my best friend gave me—I will never wear them again. 

 Multiple times I have heard him telling me if I told mom, then I would be the one to hurt her. I couldn’t do that, I cannot hurt her; therefore I knew I must, must protect her with all I had.

Life has to be better than all this. I had to get out. 6 days after leaving, I’m still suffering, but I’m free. I refuse to return while he is still there. I’ll kill him.

7:05 PM

        I learned today that possibly mom is not leaving dad, that is her decision and I shall not influence her in any way or form; I will not return home to live there, therefore I must make living decisions elsewhere than at Shannon’s and home.

9:05 PM

Never mind about living somewhere other than Shannon’s, we have talked and agreed on me paying her rent for my room in the back, my share of the water, the food, the internet use and such. I have decided to talk with her about her being gone so much that she just place her clothes in a hamper I can put in my bathroom and she just drop her dirty clothes in there and I’ll wash them to remove her burden of some of the house chores.

Today may have started off rough, got difficult, but the day became better and easier to deal with. 

All in all, at the end of the day… today was a nice day—and the first of my first rent month!!! I am now paying rent!!! J

 

8/13/2008 12:57 PM

 

Today, I got up and threw up again, and yet it was twice that I threw up like yesterday. I tried to eat, I   had about three small spoonfuls of grits, but at least they didn’t come back up. Things between mom and I are turning out nicely, she is agreeable with the living arrangements b/t Shannon and myself. For that, I am absolutely thrilled!! J I was disheartened today though due to the rain, but it did let up at least. I walked to the library after I had lunch with mom and put a resume on Monster Jobs.com and also am looking at an ad in the paper: Work at home, $500/wk go to angelpins.net; I went to the website and it costs approx 17.99 to get started. I’m going to have to take that out of the bank to try this thing out. $500 per week will definitely help me on my feet, shoot, who am I kidding? 500/month will be a blessing as well!!

Returning home, my new home at Shannon’s, I spoke with Trampus, my older brother, and he has hired me to babysit my baby nephew about every other Tuesday, how wonderful! Not only do I begin to receive an income, I also get to form a bond with my nephew!! I am more than excited and thrilled about that.

Expenses, all of them, are something I have not thought about. I forgot to think about the payment for life insurance, car insurance…car upkeep. I mean, Geeze! How many expenses are there just to live???!!! I’m beginning to worry if I can do this. I do know Shannon will guide me in this, esp. since this is such a new experience for me. Well, I’m still excited to be on my own and I know nothing in life is worth having if it is easy to obtain… therefore I will def. continue with earning my bachelor of Arts and masters in Psychology. I may even go so far as to receive some sort of dr’s degree in it. That will be cool.

5:26 PM

Mom and Jamie came by earlier to visit me, which was awesome. Jamie told me he is ok with me having left. He is not upset, I’m glad of that. I loved him being there so much, I miss him, but then I don’t miss his no respect attitude he likes to throw around. I’ve noticed today that I need some picture frames to put on my window; I have three pictures that are just laying around. I picked up my memories box until I can easily afford a scrapbook without worrying about how much money I have left. I no longer can afford to toss money on just anything… I wonder if Dollar General takes an American Express. I’m sure it won’t hurt to find out. I think I’ll walk up there and that will possible cure my stomach ache as well—I don’t think I cooked my chicken good enough, I took two nausea pills. Maybe some fresh air will help out. I’m really glad I saw Jamie today, which helped make my day even better. I have been thinking today about a pet, such as a fish or maybe just a plant, I don’t know quite yet. I think I need to feel financially stable before I try taking care of something else besides myself—hmm, am I being selfish?

 

8/14/2008 6:32 AM

 

This is the first morning in approximately three days, I think, that I woke up and did not need to throw up!! I keep going over my schedule as if to try to mold it into my mind so I know what I need to do today. I’m thinking of applying for a job at Wal-Mart on weekends, I realize that people say that Wal-Mart works a person crazy, but it’s a cash flow and my chance to make payments. I think I can do it, but only on weekends so I can be in school during the week and be able to study, do home work, relax and then work. Today, I may go by Wal-Mart and fill in an electronic application. One of my questions and concerns for today is this: How do I write an address with a P.O. Box?

I am going to try to speak to mom every morning, except weekends, at about 7am. She may be at work, but her boss understands out situation and she is allowed a few minutes time of talking, but not long, so I keep it short, but lovingly sweet.

2:42 PM

Just met with mom to have the title of my car changed to my name; it was great seeing her, but it truly bothers me that she believes that her opinion does not matter to me since I’m on my own. I does and I hope she believes me on that.

8:30 PM

Earlier this evening, I went out to eat with Catherine, I had checked my envelopes and I had $4 in my food envelope and a $5 in my pocket. She and I went to China Wok, then we went to the track. Mom and I talked on the phone while I was driving to the track, she sounded in a much better mood.

Mom helped me move my drawer stand and my desk into my room at my place. I’m really glad she helped because that always helps keep a bond between the parent and the child—helping them move. She and I enjoyed ourselves in the process, I think she enjoyed it thoroughly. I noticed that her laughter and happiness left her, but only for a short time, while I told her I wanted to be the one to tell her about the P.O. Box, and I was sorry but mad with the woman who changed my car title because she blurted it to mom. Mom was in a numb/shocked sense of self for a time afterwards.

 

 

 

8/15/2008 5:23 AM

 

Last night at about 8pmish, Shannon and her friends picked me up from home (Shannon’s) we went to a country club. I was excited, scared, nervous, shy, and ecstatic all at the same time!!! We got there and there were already some people there at “our table”, those people were joining us as well. We all sat down. The girls and Tommy got up frequently to dance, I wanted to but I was way too scared to get up and dance on the floor: there were a couple of drunks; so I sat there and enjoyed watching them dance. Apparently there is no wrong way to dancing. Anyway, Tommy talked me into dancing hours later into the night. I think I danced for about an hr. The ladies became very angry at Tommy b/c he went up to me and danced against me. I squealed because I had my eyes closed dancing, imagining myself in my own little world so I could feel more comfortable at dancing in public. I just didn’t expect Tommy to do that, but as his wife told me, he was drunk. Anyway, I finally sat back down and Tommy moved and sat at the table as well; but across from me. He then worked out the words, “Penny, you’re alright. You’re alright.” I merely thanked him b/c I’m more than sure it was the alcohol talking. Anyway, we left and though I told Shannon I’d drive she drove b/c I was falling asleep at the table. She mentioned that she had sweated out her alcohol anyway and she was good to drive. I spoke seriously with her about this, for I was quite concerned. Apparently she knew what she was talking about. She dropped me off at home and she and the others went to someone’s house for Karaoke. Needless to say, I had a blast!!!

 

8/18/2008 4:49 AM

 

Saturday and Sunday were such a blast that I completely forgot to write! Saturday, I had planned to go   to my brother’s cook out, but I apparently slept through it, I’ll find out later. Anyway, that night I invited my cousin Tia over for a visit. She stayed for a little over an hour because I asked her if we could call it a night due to my tired state. She agreed, but while she was over—we had a blast. First, we sat in the patio chairs and chatted, then stepped inside, then went back outside and we danced to… I think it was Low by Flo’ rider. Anyway, it was good times!

Sunday, mom came and picked me up for church. Before I stepped outside the house with her, she gave me a plastic store bag and told me there was some chicken and rice in it. I was like, cool, so as I went to put it in the fridge, I felt something odd on top of the container, so I looked inside the bag…

It Was Chicken!!!!!! OMG I haven’t had good, real, non-processed chicken in days! Mmmm—mm I love mom’s chicken!

Anyway, after church, Mom, Granny, and I went to Checkers to get us and my uncle some sandwiches. I picked out a fish sandwich b/c I was really tired of processed chicken. However, processed fish really isn’t any better! J

Today is the first day back into classes; I have Health and Wellness at 8am and then a philosophy class.   I, like Tia, am sooo very excited to be back in class. 

This week, I am hoping to obtain a job that is more than just babysitting. I cannot wait to babysit my little nephew, but I still need a real paying job.   I just hope something comes through.

8/23/2008 6:15 AM

 These past few days have been filled with stress from classes. For example, on the 21^st, I

 

had a rough day, not specifically from class, but from trying to find a job. Not being able to find anything had me so depressed. I had a lot on my mind that day, such as how to pay rent without taking more money out of the bank, what to do about my car—kept telling myself that I didn’t necessarily need a new car, mine would be fine for a little longer—and trying to figure out how to stay up in Spanish.

As for the car, my problems were answered. John provided me a car on Wednesday and I didn’t know how to pay him back for it so he said it was an early birthday gift—that was a blessing because I now had one less thing on my mind worrying me.

I also decided to ask John to help me pay rent until I found a job, he provided me with a check yesterday for $300. Rent is taken care of until next week; another problem off of my mind for the time being.

My Spanish… just isn’t worth talking about because I completely suck in that class. That one class is worrying my like crazy. I am already failing b/c I know I failed the test on the second day of class. I decided this morning, while attempting the homework and not having a clue on parts of what I was reading and couldn’t translate it, that I needed to drop Spanish II and take on Spanish 1 again. I failed it at GMC, but if you make a D you are placed into the next class, well I’m going to try to retake the first Spanish class to familiarize myself with the work. I feel like that will be my best option.

To top everything off, I learned the hard way to be careful with what I flush, or pour, down the toilet/drain.   This past week, I and Shannon have been dealing with me learning that no two sets of pipes are alike. Whereas at Mom’s I can pour anything down the drains, flush anything down the toilet, I cannot at Shannon’s because her pipes are totally different—plus there are roots growing in the pipes.

My other classes are great, I love my argumentation and logic class, it is challenging yet easy and at the same time very intriguiging!   This class feels like one of those puzzles in a child’s puzzle books that even takes an adult hours to figure out. 

My health and wellness class is something on the boring side, but on the other end of the spectrum, my Philosophy/religion class is very, very exciting. It seems there is always a class discussion and that is great because I usually always have my views about things as far as religion goes…

Finally, the Karma class is ok; it’s kind of boring because I do truly not want to be there, the consular thinks it will be great for me, so I guess I need to suck it up, perk up a bit and enjoy the class—which will be an easy A.

With the exception of my Spanish, this semester is going to Rock!

 

 

8/26/2008 5:12 AM

 

I checked my email yesterday morning, and it was weird that I didn’t have an email from mom, because every morning she has sent me an email up until yesterday. I figured she was just busy, but instead, she found a printed out email I had between Melissa and I about this dream I had. In this dream, I went to visit Jermaine, and we were being pretty cool. Then as things between him and I began to get heavy, in the dream, he forced me to have sex with him. The other thing about the dream is there was some dialogue that mom didn’t like. Well, I tried to explain that all it was was just a dream. Then she stated that she didn’t know what to believe about what I say, between what was done to me and with me and Jermaine. What dad did to me was very real, he is being a low down b***h to not mention anything and keep himself quite. He talks about not wanting to split mom and I, and yet he is doing just f*****g that!!! I hate his damn guts for what he has done and what he is doing. I might as well still be there taking the abuse and the s**t still because I should have known mom would have never believed me. It makes me so damn mad that she would allow someone like this come between us. LIKE I F*****G MATTER!!! I’m her child for godsakes, how can she not believe her own child??!! If I lose her, nothing will matter to me anymore… why should it?

While I was retrieving some more of my stuff from moms, I found a two pack of Tylenol pm. I was so glad to finally have some in my possession because that is just how I deal… I don’t know what to do without it. Yes, I’ll admit it, I’m completely addicted… I need to find a way to get help for this. But how can I get help if I take them once I find them and then I’m feeling the slightest happiest because the Tylenol pm dulls the senses and your just… there.

 

WHAT THE F**K AM I TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SHE WANTS SPACE, I’LL GIVE HER SPACE.

 

 

Shannon has asked me to read this book, Your Best Life Now, by Joel Osteen. I’ve began reading it, I’m going to have to do it slowly because I also have to read for my other classes.

8/26/2008 10:09 AM

Today, I went to get help for my addition and dependency to sleep aids. I found it was a complete necessity after seeing the disappointment on Shannon’s face yesterday. She has been there and done so much for me that I couldn’t stand to see her disappointed in me. I guess this is just another stepping stone to recovery. So, Mr. or Dr. Williams, however he is to be called, gave me some insight and pointers for helping end my dependency and what to do about anxiety and stress since I am going to be dealing with it without the help of sleep aids, or downers as he put them.

 

Author's Note

ignor the grammar and such... its not written for critique, merely to have something to vent on, but I decided to share with people.