Overwhelmed with Grief

First poem of a series of poems about my mom's death. She died September 25, 2013 of an asthma attack (without any warning) and was my best friend, always my hero, single mom of my sister and I.

I lay in bed at night,

Staring at the ceiling,

My last conversation with my mom on replay,

My phone call with her,

When in the middle of it,

It changed from conversing

To listening to her gasp for air and her being helpless,

Although, 

The doctors said that if I was home and got the inhaler for her,

It would not have been enough to save her.

That phone call is burned into my memory forever,

Caustic,

And everything reminds me of her,

Because I am 17,

Most of my friends do not understand,

Lost in my words of grief,

Digging deep into their hearts,

But never truly understanding,

Offering the best support they can give,

Some adults cannot even relate to what I am going through,

How is it that I was always afraid of living?

And she was the one who told me,

"If you worry about dying every second of the day,

then you are not living life to the fullest",

Which she did every day,

So why her?

I miss her too much to ever put in words,

I feel anger from her being stolen from me,

Depressed because she meant the world to me,

Lonely because we were the perfect duo,

Confused because everything was finally going well in our lives,

Resentful towards religion and God,

A million emotions incased in one heart,

Why did this happen to her?

I will never know, will I?

Where has she gone?

I am searching for an answer I may never find,

And where does this leave me?

Heartbroken and full of grief. 

Reviews

[Tennessee]

Wow. I'm so sorry for you losing your mom. This was powerful and full of emotion. I really liked the ending of the cocktail you feel. Damn girl, and "If you worry about dying every second of the day then you are not living life to the fullest". Good advice. One song from my favorite band is called you only live once. "You only live one life for a very short time so make every second divine". "You only live once so just go f*****g nuts". "live life hard". I love that song and it's true. But if I might and this is just something I believe, Your mother didn't really die, it's not over for her. Her soul just couldn't breathe in her body anymore and her soul decided it was time for her to move back home. I'd like to think that we are immortal but our bodies are not, yes we will all die at some point but once we do we move on to something greater. A second chance or part 2 of life so to speak. Don't worry kid, I know it scary but everything will be alright. Good write, good read.

[Listmaker]

So, so sorry that you lost your mother -- and so young. "Where has she gone?" I 've asked myself that question sometimes when I lose someone close to me. But now I believe that their essence, spirit, or whatever you want to call it never leaves us. Sometimes, I almost "feel" the presence of my deceased family members, especially when I'm alone in my writing cabin in my woods. Though they no longer walk the earth, they are still with me -- I just wish I could have a conversation with them now and then. Anyway, you write very well. Thanks for sharing.

[Alia ZJ.]

May God give you the strength to obtain composure. I've been where you are, Paige; its been ten years and I still haven't gotten over the loss. The truth is, no body will ever understand. You just have to get by this.
Put yourself into something productive, something you love doing, maybe writing?
You have my best wishes. :)

[Laura Harrison]

This is so sad and heart-wrenching. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[ayele marie dalmeida]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your many emotions in this piece and its really a hard thing for somebody to go through . LOve how it capture every emotion very well and it is really powerful and Amazing. I enjoyed reading it . I Also feel connected to this piece because i went through the same thing but it was my little brother. Nicely written . keep it up :)

[annabellee]

I'm very sorry for your loss...
I could totally feel your grief and emotions in this piece.
well done :)

[zainul]

I understand your heartfelt write.
I experienced such feelings too.
The place of mom or any other dear one in the heart is unique.
When one leaves the world that place becomes vacuum.
Nothing can fill that vacuum.