Red Tape, an Oakland Kalinski Story

Oakland tries once again has trouble picking up money at the Western Union desk of a grocery store.

Oakland felt too weak to lift the pen. Coughing, he fell too his knee and then began to laugh. He stood up and stumbled backward a bit, still tethered to the desk by the pen in his hand. He let it go and it flew against the wall, inking a poster advertising a new direct-to-bank money wiring service.

"S**t! I could just get a deposit slip at your bank and put your name on it- for free!"

Everyone was staring at Oakland, who hushed now, suffering from "the spins" along with a bad case of "the wah wahs". The money transfer form, which Oakland must complete before his master plan could proceed, started to blur and twist in front of his eyes. Standing in the front of a super market in the rich part of town, O.K.'s heart was beating not unlike that of a 17 year old high on cough syrup, he took a knee and put his face close to the paper once again.

Oakland decided he would deal with the red tape in private. He found his way across the store to the restroom, which he had all to himself. He locked himself into a handicap stall and splashed some water on his face. He looked at himself in the mirror.

"What have I become?"

Oakland began to cry.

He realized the toilet had no absolute cover, only the one you lift when you piss, the kind that have the front section cut out, which Oakland was very outspoken against lifting. He took a seat anyway and placed his head in his hands.

Oakland thought back to his childhood, where this whole ordeal began. Saturdays O.K. would lock his brother out of his bedroom and break out his hidden stash of teen pop magazines. He'd flip straight to the back- to the fan mail listings. He would write death threats to Jonathan Taylor Thomas, signing them as the Oleson twins and putting their fan mail address as the return. This became a Saturday tradition, imaginary celebrity murder threats involving Tia and Tamara, Joey Lawrence, and The Fresh Prince.

Oakland remembered the money transfer form he was hell bent on filling out. The official Western Union pen still dangling on a cord from a desk across the store. Oakland pulled a can of electronics duster from his jeans and put his mouth on the nozzle. The walls of the bathroom began to sway and O.K. fell to the floor, which he then noticed was pink.

Author's Note

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