flashbacks

A Story by inthe-shallows

do you love me?”

“of course i do,” I said, “you know i do.”

she shook her head, still examining her hands.

“no… no…. i don’t think you do,” she mumbled.

she started to move away from me, her body going inches and inches away until she was finally off the bed and onto the chair right beside it.

“Nia, whats wrong?”

she was still looking at her hands, twirling them around, inspecting them as if they weren’t hers.

“Nia,” I said again moving across the bed so i could be closer to her.

she noticed and stood up so quickly. her back against the wall, she cut me off before i could say anything, “no, I don’t think anyone could. I don’t think even u could. no one has…”

she kept taking these long pauses between her short sentences like she was trying to fight whatever was in her head telling her to say these heartbreaking things.

“no one could…. they tried. ya they tried but i wouldn’t let them…. cause this thing, it told me it’d be bad, it’d be messy and like knives.”

Her eyes weren’t glossy like they’d been this whole time since she’s been back. they’d gone dry and dark.

“Like knives? why are you saying that?” i asked.

I automatically looked to her wrists to make sure no new marks had appeared, but nothing.

“like knives,” she said again, staring blankly past me.

her eyes had gone distant. i was talking to the nia i had seen lying in the bathtub with her arms hanging lifeless. I was talking to my mom when she made her way up to the roof. I was talking to someone who was about to shut everything off.

“Nia!” i jumped off the bed and towards her. “Nia. Nia, hey, you’re okay.”

I held her face in my hands and brought her body close into me.I hugged her tight while talking her out of whatever ‘they’ were trying to make her do.

“I love you,” i said over and over, “I love you, okay?”

After a minute or two she finally wrapped her arms around me. It went from hugging a stranger to grasping me tighter like she had almost lost me. She pulled away and brought my face towards hers and kissed me hard.

I experienced so many flashbacks in those past few minutes, while I remembered how desperate the kiss was before I had found her in my shower a year ago.

© 2014 inthe-shallows

Author's Note

ignore capatilization

My Review

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Featured Review

Raven's Soul

It's a good beginning to what could be a very interesting story, but right now it seems to need a little work. For example, the story drops the reader directly into the center of the action without letting the reader see what happened to bring them to the point where this piece starts. It's also lacking in description, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes. In my own opinion, and with the way I tend write, I'd put an actual space between each of the speakers' line, instead of grouping everything together as it is now, because it would make it easier to read and keep track of where one's location is while reading a sentence. For example, instead of writing it like this:

do you love me?”
“of course i do,” I said, “you know i do.”
she shook her head, still examining her hands.
“no… no…. i don’t think you do,” she mumbled.
she started to move away from me, her body going inches and inches away until she was finally off the bed and onto the chair right beside it.

I'd make it look something like this:

"do you love me?”

“of course i do,” I said, “you know i do.”

she shook her head, still examining her hands.

“no… no…. i don’t think you do,” she mumbled. She started to move away from me, her body going inches and inches away until she was finally off the bed and onto the chair right beside it.

In the way I've organized the piece, it seems to flow much more smoothly and tends to read more like a book rather than a film script. Though, to be honest, I am not certain simply from reading this piece if you were going for one or the other. Other than the changes I'd suggest, you've done a relatively good job on this. With a little more polishing here and there, I'm sure it'll turn out awesome. Have a good day and happy writing.