19

memoir of what I experienced 10 years ago

I'm trying to recall what an average day was like during this time, in the trailer.

When school was still in, I'd do all that driving, then have a couple of hours alone, to myself, that is before my friend appeared on the scene. Sometime's I'd just sit inside on the couch and read my Bible. Sometimes I'd open the back door and sit on the steps, playing fetch with my dog. It was nothing but fields behind us, no houses or anything as far as the eye could see. That in itself was enough to satisfy me. I'd just sit and stare. And my dog, she'd run. I let her. I decided that this would be her "wide open spaces" time in her own life, as well.

What on earth else did I do? I don't remember. I think I prayed a lot. Took a lot of hot baths, then a shower. They used to make fun of me cause I'd take forever. My friend was like, "so, Amy, what do you do in there? Soak for an hour, then rinse off for 30 minutes?" Yes, I did. It felt good. I think, on occasion, I'd drive around this town, just to get a feel for where I was at. Not so bad, really. I liked it. My dad always said the only way a person can be satisfied and content in a place like that is if they grew up there; otherwise it doesn't work for long. He's right, for once. I looked around me at the people, especially the women at the grocery store. That's the strongest indicator, right there. Those women said it all- what becomes of you if you stay there too long. I knew it wasn't for me, forever. But, now my guy & I were talking marriage. On and off, we never could decide. There was a growing debate between us about the school issue, why did I still have her in her old school, what, am I too good for the schools out here? More accusations. I found myself not only pleading my own case to him but my daughter's case as well. Like a guilty criminal, begging for mercy and understanding from a harsh judge, that's what it did to me. See, over time, it gets inside your head when you are in a relationship like this. It messes with the way you think. Sometimes you even begin to think like the guy, and believe him when he says things.



When school let out, it got fun. As long as I didn't think too deep, or rather, think at all. If I stayed drunk, I had fun. We all spent a lot of time at the lake, did a lot of knee boarding and whatever else the guys tied to the back of the boat and said to us girls, here, get on. Even my daughter had fun. The guys usually got up early and came home in the late afternoon on weekdays, so us three girls just kept ourselves occupied. I stocked up on workbooks for my daughter, the fun kind, and we'd sit at the table and I'd give her a nickel a page. That's something we've always done, so it was comforting to her. Not so much good parenting, no, the fact is, I wanted her to have a head start on school so that I wouldn't ever have to help her with math. It paid off. We started doing workbooks together when she was 3, continued till she was about 8 or 9. I made sure it was fun, always lit a small candle and had snacks on the table & music going. So anyway, this is one good thing I managed to do during this time, thank goodness.


At her bedtime, I'd lay down beside her and tell her stories and pray with her. I was not a bad mom. Just compromised. I was in a broken state, grieving the loss of my brother, in a questionable relationship, newly divorced, basically my entire world had shattered. I had no strength and I had no idea what I was doing. I had no presence of mind to sit and evaluate my situation. I couldn't even think far enough into the future as the next day. It's as if, I was totally disabled. I want to say my brain was gone, but no, it was my emotions. I couldn't feel. I tried, but there was nothing there. My own daughter had to ask me for hugs, and when we'd lay together, she asked me to put my arm around her, like we used to. Again, what's happened, that my child has to request affection?


I was aware of all this stuff, I knew the whole thing was bad, on every level. Where to begin? That we divorced? That life as I had known it was over? I had been a stay-at-home mom since the day she was born, never set foot in a place of employment until we separated and my daughter started school. I had no clue how to operate in the world, alone. And this is why, upon meeting this guy, I clung to him.

Let me say, you think you're strong, you may believe you have it all together in your head and in your life, but just as sure as the sun sets and rises, you will be tested and challenged in those very areas of your life. The very areas that you have deemed stable. And you will be shocked when you see your house come tumbling down.

I have been broken and shattered so many times, it's unreal. I guess I needed it.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Good to spend time with your thoughts and relax. Also good to spend time with your kids. If i could go back in time. I would of worked less and spend time with my kids. Today I spend every free moment with my Grand kids and youngest daughter. I like the the description of time spend with daughter. The kids need attention. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter. Made me think this early morning.
Coyote