7

memoir of what I experienced 10 years ago

A sea of people, waves of relatives and friends, people crying, people bringing food and plants and a ton of cards in the mail, me trying to get maybe a minute of sleep in my sister's room, but unable, due to this sea of people flowing all through the house and knowing no boundaries at all. There was no escape, this was real, my brother was dead.

I remember getting out of bed and opening the door, only to see my cousin, same age as my brother, on one knee, head down, hand on brother's door. He was sobbing. I looked away and walked into the living room, pushed my way through people, they all tried to hug me, they all had red swollen eyes and they all asked how I was doing, good night there was no escape at all, this was a nightmare, it was surreal, and again, the fact remained, my brother was dead.




My daughter had spent New Year's Eve with her dad, at his mom's house. She was 6 years old. We weren't sure how to tell her that her uncle was dead, how do you tell a child that? Would she get it? I had told her before about life and death and heaven. Her dad asked me how I wanted to do it, I said it should come from me. So they drove to my mom's house and he brought her in. I watched her little face as she came into the house and saw all the people there, yet it was strangely quiet. I took her into my sister's room and she and her dad sat on the bed, he put his loving arm around her and I knelt down in front of her. Took her little hand in mine and said, "honey, do you remember everything I told you about when people die? How we don't see them anymore, but we will see them again one day, when we go to heaven?" She nodded. I told her, "well, your uncle has gone to heaven."

She looked puzzled. I didn't know what to expect. Tears? Questions? Disbelief?

She sat there for a minute, then said, "ok", then hopped off the bed and went into the living room, with all the people. I knew right there and then that she would not process this until years later, and I was right. I was concerned but I let it go for the time being.

I thanked my ex and he hugged me and held me, and we stood there in my sister's room and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I lost two brothers to suicide. The small children at the funeral were stronger than the adults. I like the way you described the funeral. I tried to forget the funeral of my brothers. I like the description of the conversation with your daughter. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote