Moment from my diary (Part 2): I don't want to be alone

When you miss your friends and family terribly on a long lost land and wish they were with you here celebrating your success story

Yes, everyone needs some personal time, but how long? For someone like me, who has always loved to have company around, loneliness is a curse, a punishment which is hard to deal with. It is painful to realise that there won't be any familiar voices echoing through those corridors, neither will there be any chase and runs. Lunch and dinner would only comprise of the stale chapati, rice and daal and there wouldn't be anyone criticising the quality of the mess food, or giggles about the couple sitting far across the table, or to show concerns of the consequences if Donald Trump becomes the next US President, or perhaps simply enjoying the cool breeze caressing our faces..its all hollow now. Because there are no voices or laughs. The chairs are empty. I sit there looking at people: they are like glimpses of my happy past. All I can do now is stare and forcefully eat the same old, stale food everyday. I miss those outings, which were usually unplanned and uncalled for; the taste of the exotic cuisines and the expressions on receiving the bill, on fidgeting about the expenditure and increasing body weight. I don't even go out now. My life revolves around a set path with no deviations. I miss the good old days.
I miss the late night studies before the semesters and the crackling jokes that followed from time to time to lower the intensity of seriousness. I try to open the books to study for the interviews and exams that are lined up, but cannot study a word because this loneliness keeps haunting me, the memories keep dragging me to the past. I stand there still and keep wandering in my thoughts. I miss those talks, which were never-ending, covering almost all topics under the Sun and not getting bored for a second. Now, there's no one I have to talk to even for a minute. I stare blankly at the ceiling, looking at the fan and the wall posters around. Those posters carry so many emotions  which seem lost now in the tide of time. Even the city lies there dry, barren and lifeless just like me. 

Its such an important day for me today, the day I have been waiting for, the day for which I had worked so hard for, prayed so deeply and wanted so desperately. The day has come and all I have with me is just the letter and a couple of phone calls of showering blessings. There is no one to whom I can go running and give the news, there is no one to pat my back and ask me for a treat which I can completely ignore. There is no one to hug me and say, "you did it". I have no one to share this happiness with, and I feel terrible, terrible beyond words. I try dialling numbers but before they ring, I disconnect the calls thinking there are better and more important things they are engaged in. I try going to the canteen to treat myself with a mere chocolate, but I stop halfway giving up and return to my room crying silently. I feel lost. I feel lifeless. I wish I could explain my feelings which people might consider meaningless. I wish I could tell them that I don't want to be alone, even though pragmatically I have to most of the times. I wish I could.

Author's Note

Might be a bit off sync, however, I tried putting down my feelings in words so as to lighten myself up.