Bill meets the Duke

A man with many a tale ... though the only person he dupes is himself

A Paul F Clayton Tea-break Tale

Bill meets the Duke

 

(Tea-break / Engineering factory / in a clear space between the machines, the workers are sitting in a circle wearing boiler suits drinking tea / Bill is a renowned story teller, usually tales that enhance his life / Most of the workers resented Bill’s tales as lies / Young Steve was the only one who seemed fascinated by Bill’s Stories)

 

 ROB: I was talking to a bloke in the Fox last night … he gets double time from Friday afternoon … when I told him we get time and a third at all times he pissed himself

 

TERRY: Most firms do … it’s only these tight arses I know that don’t

 

BILL: I always paid my blokes double time when I was manager up in Hull

 

TERRY: Where was that then Bill?

 

BILL: Seymour and Stokes general engineering on Kings Lane industrial estate … I was manager there for four years

 

ROB: I never knew you were a manager Bill

 

BILL: oh aye … I’ve been manager at a few places me … and not just engineering

 

TERRY: Such as?

 

BILL: Pubs, clubs … a few pubs around Yorkshire … a nightclub in Jersey

 

STEVE: A nightclub?

 

BILL: oh aye … Polka dots it was called … well, when I say night club, it was an old liner that had been converted … it was gorgeous inside … it was the place to go back in the seventies

 

(At this point Terry and Rob looked at one another rolling their eyes … Terry motioned to Rob that his mug needed rinsing and got up … Rob followed)

 

STEVE: So it was a boat?

 

BILL: oh aye … a bloody big boat too

 

STEVE: What a brilliant idea … turning a boat into a night club

 

BILL: My feet hardly touched dry land the whole time I was there … I lived on a house boat across the water from the club and used to go to and from work in my speedboat

 

STEVE: You had a speed boat?

 

BILL:  Aye... I did … it was a lovely little craft too

 

STEVE: That’s amazing … what a life style

 

BILL: You think that’s a life style mate … let me tell you … there was some money on that Island … I came home from work one morning and there was this huge luxury yacht moored at the house boat next door … A big American flag flying aft … the flag was bigger than my speedboat … my new neighbour put my boat to shame

 

STEVE: Was he a rich business man or something?

 

BILL: No … it was the Duke … John Wayne

 

STEVE: John Wayne? You mean the Hollywood film star, John Wayne?

 

BILL: Aye … The one and only … I passed by one day and he was swabbing the decks … so I said to him “Ay up John … give us a go on your boat”

Just jokingly like and do you know what he said to me?

 

STEVE: No … what did he say?

 

(Bill stood up and moved the chair from behind him … he then started bending his knees moving his hips and swinging his hands in front of him … a poor visual impression of John Wayne’s stance)

 

BILL: Well … he took his keys from his pocket and tossed them at me and he said “Bring her back in one piece partner”

 

STEVE: Wow … that’s brilliant Bill … What did you do with the speedboat when you left there?

 

BILL: I claimed on the insurance

 

STEVE: Why? Did you crash it or something?

 

BILL: Not quite … had it scuttled

 

STEVE: Scuttled?

 

BILL: Yeah … A few people on the island did … it means sunk … on purpose … John Wayne used to do it … give him fifty quid and he’d take your boat out and sink it … then swim back

 

STEVE: What? A Hollywood movie star would help deceive insurers for a mere fifty quid?

 

BILL: It wasn’t just fifty quid though … loads of people went to him … and he enjoyed it … it was his hobby … that and swimming

 

THE END (Thank goodness)

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

This is what I call a YARN. A good one, too. I grinned lop-sided like the Duke all the way through.