Splatter

This poem has no rhythm to it. DEAL.

That day

I opened my eyes for

the last time,

heaved my body from bed

and walked with slumber,

to the room where

the breathing bodies were

talking and cackling,

amongst themselves.

 

When they saw me

the laughed.

Not with me, but at me...

And at first I tried

oh, I tried so very hard

to keep it all inside.

To fight it.

But I soon learned,

that didn't work.

 

Today was the day,

that I couldn't take any more.

Today was the day,

that my days would end.

And as I told myself these words

My eyes were spilling water

Because I knew my blood would splatter

And they still

kept

Laughing.

 

Author's Note

Idk...it's late and I'm loopy and something depressing decided to come out of me.

Reviews

[Shawn M]

Yummmmmmm. This is tasty. I think the middle stanza is weak though. Especially the last 6 lines. They lack that same...sinister quality, and are also devoid of any description really. I think if you can find a way to give it some stronger action, it would help a ton. And do away with that repetition line especially. "And at first I tried/oh, I tried so very hard" It feels like you're just kinda stalling to make up for lost space there. The poem would be much better served by something meaningful, rather than space-filling. But the first and third stanzas are GREAT! Those last 5 lines are killer. Hope this helps! -Shawn

[Shawn M]

P.S.- Sorry to post on all your stuff but you're the best writer I've come across so far so I enjoy the challenge of reading your work and commenting. Hopefully we can help each other a lot. I'll try to keep posting, so you do the same!