In Your Eyes

I honestly don't know what this is. Just popped into my head.

In your eyes

I see

A valley

That's Green

And Blue

And sprinkled with gold

 

In your eyes

I see

The moon

With craters

Of maroon

And tears of the world

 

In your tears

I see a face

That is mine

Of utter treachery

Of disgrace

And you say to me

 

"In your lies

I cannot find truth

I only find myself

Trapped within them

Because for so long

I have been chained."

 

 

Author's Note

So yeah, what do you think?

Reviews

[Shawn M]

I really like this. First stanza, boom. That's a pretty eye. But I think it could be a little more effective if, like in the other stanzas, you could switch to a different subject. So instead of using "In your eyes" for both, change the second one to something a little further in, or a little more specific. Because then it flows even better into stanza 3 when you get into the tears. Great, great imagery though, even if it is unconventional. I'm not sure I've ever seen a face of utter treachery, but I sure am enjoying imagining it. Definitely gonna go read some more of your stuff! Hope this helps! -Shawn

[Moebia]

Thank you! I love constructive criticism, so I will definitely consider your comments. I will probably go back to edit this poem later. And yes, I used that phrase "of utter treachery" on purpose. :P There's a person meaning behind this poem.

[Shawn M]

I assumed there was. Had to be! I was looking at some of your other stuff and saw it was from two years ago, so I stopped. It was...lacking the greatness I was seeing here. Haha. I look forward to more from you! If you get the chance, please stop by and review one of mine, or both, or however many I post tonight! :D

[Moebia]

Definitely will. :)

[SOUL LESS]

This is probably one of your best. Simple, slightly imaginative. Very good, on the whole. Cheers!

[Moebia]

Thank you! Glad to see you're still around! I was gone for some time.

[Bob Sherunkle]

I liked it ! Great write .

[Moebia]

Thank you!