Abe Froman

We find out why Abe Froman never made his lunch reservation at Chez Quis during Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Abe Froman gets chauffeured every morning by Dino, his driver of 15 years, to his luxurious office in downtown Chicago. Chicago was his town, and he had ruled it like a king for more than 30 years. He was a king; he was the Sausage King of Chicago. Abe built his sausage empire from the ground up, and it now spans seven continents, with an Antarctic research outpost receiving his sausage directly since last month. He was one of Chicago's true untouchables.

On the morning of June 11th, 1986, Abe arrived at his office and was greeted by his long-time secretary, Paloma Lowry.

"Freddy Peterson called twice this morning, Abe."

"My nephew, the Prince of Sausage, call him back and patch it into my office."

"Of course, boss."

As Abe opened the door, Freddy was waiting for him; he looked back at Paloma.

"Didn't you say he called?"

"He did call twice, but then he also showed up; I got his machine. Should I leave a message?"

Abe closed the door.

As Abe entered his office, he grabbed his morning sausage.

"I could eat sausage all day and night."

"Don't you worry about heart disease?"

"Look, Freddy, life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop to eat a sausage once and a while, you could miss it."

Abe gestured with a sausage on a fork, and Freddy passed.

"Profits are down, sales are down, the stock price is down; everything is down except your blood pressure."

"What's the problem? What's changed about sausage?"

"People's tastes are changing; take turkey sausage, tofu sausage, and farm-raised sausage."

"Farm-raised? what do I look like over here, Ol' McDonald?"

"What are we going to do about this?"

"The question isn't 'What are we going to do?' The question is 'What aren't we going to do?"

"I would say that the Sausage Brothers from Oklahoma are your number one threat. They just built a sausage factory in South Chicago. They have all these new sausage varieties," Freddy said as he hit the play button and their commercial appeared on television.

On a farm, the sausage brothers are seen walking. One of the brothers leaned up against a hoe.

"We're the Sausage Brothers, and we've been cooking sausage in Oklahoma's heartland for over ten years. We've mastered our formula, and we guarantee that our sausage flavor will be both familiar and unique to you."

The other brother took a step forward and tipped his cowboy hat.

"Get some Sausage Brother's Sausage today; it's available in a grocery store near you. Sausage Brothers, you can't beat our meat."

Freddy presses stop and eject on the VCR.

"That's what we're up against?"

"Brothers? Aiming to take out the king, I don't think so; how close is it?"

"Let me put it this way: three years ago, you had them beat by 38% market share; it was down to 12% this week."

"I want to meet these guys, Paloma!"

"Yes," Paloma says over the intercom.

"Get these sausage cousins from Oklahoma on the phone; I want to have lunch with them today," Abe shouts even though he can use the intercom.

"Would you like your usual table at Arturo's?"

"No, I want to put these guys in their place; try finding me a table for three at the most upscale restaurant you can find."

Paloma rummages through her Rolodex.

"I could make a reservation at Chez Quis?"

"Call up the Sausage Siblings and make a reservation."

Abe checks his watch and dials onto a conference call with the Royalty of Meats. There was the Sheik of Salami, the Prince of Pastrami, the Viceroy of Veal, the Lord of Lamb Chops, and the Archduke of Prosciutto, to name a few. They helped each other; for example, during the 1982 vegetarian craze, they met twice a day for six months to ensure everyone survived the green wave of darkness.

When Abe told them about his Sausage Brother's predicament, they agreed to check into it.

"Paloma, have Dino bring the car around; I want to do a little recon before lunch with the Sausage Nephews."

"Sure thing, boss. By the way, that reservation at Chez Quis has been confirmed."

Dino took Abe and Freddy to the Sausage Brothers' South Chicago sausage factory. They parked across the street and watched people come and leave. Abe looked through binoculars despite being only fifty feet from the entrance, while Freddy appeared bored.

"It just appears to be a normal factory, nothing out of the ordinary," Freddy said.

"Remember, I cut my teeth on sausage factories, and I've never seen one that didn't have a few violations. We've got to get in there."

Every time a delivery arrives, the security guard returns to his office with the driver, leaving the front entrance unattended. They figure they have approximately 30 seconds to get into the factory. They wait for the next delivery, and they're in there.

Abe and Freddy sneak around the surprisingly tidy sausage factory. Nothing is bloodied, and it doesn't even smell like a sausage factory. Abe inhales deeply.

"Is this a slaughterhouse or a hospital? I can't even tell."

They made their way down to the production floor, where the sausage was being produced. Concerned, Abe picked one up.

"This sausage is longer and wider than mine."

"It's not about the size of the sausage, sir, and I must say, your sausage is excellent."

"You're just saying that. Flattery gets you... everywhere!"

They enter another area, where the cooked sausage is coming off the line. Abe can't stop himself from eating one of the sausages.

"Aw, the sausage melts on my tongue like butter; this is perhaps the greatest sausage I've ever tasted. We're screwed; it was a good run, but it's over."

Freddy pressed a button and revealed the start of the manufacturing line; they watched human bodies being poured into a vat on a conveyor belt; the Sausage Brothers made their sausage out of humans! Abe struggles to remove the taste from his mouth.

"I can’t puke up sausage; it's against my religion."

Freddy appeared to be ill.

"We need to warn the rest of the world that the Sausage Brothers are people!"

Just as they're about to run away from the factory, both of them are hit over the head.

When Freddy and Abe awaken, they find themselves in the Sausage Brothers' office, confronted by the brothers and some armed guards.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Abe Froman, The Sausage King of Chicago. Your sausage is beautiful to look at, but the taste is, may we say..."

"Past its expiration date," the other sausage brother said.

"Human sausage? You've gone too far!" Abe yelled.

"First of all, you can never go too far. Second of all, if we’re going to be caught, it's not gonna be by a guy like you!"

"What are you going to do, kill us?" Freddy asked.

"Good luck; I got lunch reservations, you know," Abe said.

"Lunch reservations with us."

"Well, people will look for us; you're not going to get away with turning us into sausage patties," Abe said.

"No, no, we've got a lovely kielbasa planned for the king, not a run-of-the-mill sausage patty."

Suddenly, the Royalty of Meats burst through the door; the Viceroy of Veal punched one of the sausage brothers in the face. Using two salami sticks as nunchucks, the Sheik of salami subdued the two security guards. The Archduke of Prosciutto arrived and knocked out the other sausage brother. Freddy and Abe are untied by the Lord of Lamb Chops and the Prince of Pastrami.

"How did you know we needed help?" Freddy asked.

"One royalty meat always knows when another is in danger," the Archduke of Prosciutto said.

"Go out, alert the world to the truth of the Sausage Brothers," the Lord of Lamb Chops said.

"We've got a couple more sausages to create ourselves," said the Viceroy of Veal, stacking one sausage brother on top of another.

Abe and Freddy raced back to Dino's car, where he was waiting. They sped away to alert the media, but traffic was heavy that day.

"What is going on? We haven't moved in a half-hour?" Freddy asked.

"There's a parade going on," Dino said.

"A parade in the middle of the week?" Abe asked.

"I don't know; I guess the script called for a parade," Dino continued to sing, "Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen…"

Abe sat back and reached into his jacket pocket for a sausage.

"It's been a hard day; I could use a day off," Abe said. Freddy agreed with a nod.

"It could be a lot worse. Have you heard of this Ferris kid? They say he might die."