Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry

A woman believes her sister has been brainwashed by a cult. There is now only one way for her to break her free: she must join the cult herself.

Amy sits on a park bench across the street from The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry, a diet group that her sister joined more than six months ago. Amy gets suspicious when she sees people coming and going with prescriptions. The problem is that her sister, Kerri, joined the organization and then dedicated her entire life to it.

Kerri had cut herself off from her previous life, disowning her family, abandoning her friends, and devoting significant amounts of time to the Sisterhood. Amy had an uneasy feeling the Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry was a cult.

Kerri was strolling down the street a few weeks ago when Amy saw her sister and approached her; when Amy touched her, Kerri shrugged her off, calling her a "saboteur." Kerri looks amazing, thanks to the group; she's lost roughly 50 pounds, is healthy, and even appears younger!

Amy, on the other hand, can't shake the notion that something isn't quite right with that organization. During her research, she came across other stories similar to her sister's: people who wanted to lose weight but ended up disowning everyone in their lives and now work for a diet organization that helped them lose the weight.

Amy devised a plan and spent the last few weeks bingeing on cheesecake, burgers, and pizza, gaining over ten pounds in the process. She was going to join The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry, gather evidence that it was a cult and persuade her sister to leave.

Amy enters the facility, hears relaxing music, and is greeted by a young, slim, supermodel-looking woman.

"Greetings from The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry; how may we assist you today?" 

"I'd like to join your weight loss program," Amy says, looking around for Kerri, who isn't there.

"Of course, we offer a complimentary evaluation of your mental, physical, and metaphysical wellness. I'll have one of our sisters accompany you into the back for a closer look."

Two more supermodels come out and accompany Amy into the back.

Amy is waiting in one of the most luxurious exam rooms she's ever seen. Another supermodel, this time a doctor, appears.

Amy was put through a battery of tests, including a physical exam, a psychiatric evaluation, and, for some reason, an algebra exam. At the end of the test, they give her a free bottle of their vitamins; this is the prescription she saw people leave the facility with the day before.

She ponders whether she should take the vitamins as she walks back to her apartment. All she could think about was Kerri; she needed to join the cult if she wanted to figure out what was really going on. Amy took the vitamins as directed, and they tasted just like her favorite foods. Amy started losing weight, getting rid of wrinkles and other signs of aging, she was even developing abs! This was especially astonishing given that she hadn't exercised since the Clinton administration.

Amy remained determined, and the moment had come to gather some dirt on this cult. She needed to return to the office to get her prescription refills.

This time, in order to refill her prescription, she had to participate in a group discussion with other members of the organization. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, members had to resign themselves to a higher power; in this case, The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry was that higher power.

Amy's suspicions were confirmed at the group discussion, when she saw professional, sane women start to empty their pocketbooks for another prescription.  

"I'm starving!" One woman said as the doctor took out her prescription pad.

Amy pretended to need to use the bathroom before running out into the on-site dormitories, where she suspected her sister was.

She opens the doors one by one. There is a supermodel in every room, but none of them is Kerri. As Amy goes on a rampage, an alarm sounds, but she isn't getting anywhere. As security closes in, Amy resorts to her last choice and pulls out a gun.

"I need to see my sister right now! Kerri, where are you!"

Three supermodel doctors appear and try to calm her down.

"Of course, we'll get your sister Kerri right away." 

"...and, please, give me some more of those vitamins; they made my underarm fat go and were delicious."

"I'll get you some right away."

Amy needed to verify her concerns; she knew this was a cult and that brainwashing took place, but she didn't have enough evidence to convince her sister.

"Hey, Brooklyn Decker's twin sister doctor; show me where you keep the files."

"Of course," the supermodel doctor responds as she guides Amy to the main office.

Amy sifts through their files, hoping for anything that will persuade her sister to leave this place for forever.

Unfortunately for Amy, all she discovered was that The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry was a very charitable group. They created a fitness schedule for orphans, gave celluloid cream to veterans, and provided exercise equipment for overweight elephants in Africa.

Amy had finished going through every file in the office and had found nothing when her sister Kerri arrived.

"What are you doing, Amy?"

"This is a cult, and you must escape. I know that evil is going on here."

"What are you talking about? It's just a weight-loss clinic; everyone here is courteous, friendly, and they all look like they belong on the cover of a swimsuit magazine."

"Kerri, I miss you; why did you abandon me?"

"Every time I came over to your place, you just offered me junk food, sugary drinks, or sweets. I couldn't be around you any longer; you're a saboteur; at least according to the Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry."

"But I miss you; I'm always sad because you're not around."

"Why don't you join us? You can work on my crew, we stand outside TGI Fridays, Applebee's, and Denny's and give out cards to those who order too much food."

"Do they really want me?"

"Definitely, if you're willing to go to these lengths to help your sister, just think what you can do for other women.  Not to mention that if you work here, you get free prescription refills. We're all going to have six-pack abs!"

Amy and her sister embrace as the supermodels around them applaud the tender moment.

Two supermodels are concealed behind one-way glass on the opposite side of the main office mirror.

"Look at that, another soldier in our army."

"Yes, it's only a matter of time before we take over the world. Hail Satan."

"Yes, sister, Hail Satan!"